Typically my birthday’s suck ass. I’m not whining about it. I’m simply telling you this as a statement of fact. Tomorrow is my birthday and I have no plans whatsoever. Once again—I’m not complaining.
After last year’s birthday I am completely content to plant my ass right on the couch and do nothing. What happened last year? Let me tell you a story…
Mid-November 2009 saw me poking around the ‘net a bit and perusing an online dating site. A girl sent me a message, so I looked at her profile. She was cute and seemed interesting, but there was a huge red flag. She lives in Canada.
I have nothing against Canadian chicks. I did some dating when I lived near Toronto. I simply have no desire to drive over the border every time I want to go on a date. I sent her a message back saying that she seemed cool, but I wasn’t interested in dating anyone in Canada right now.
She said she understood, but mentioned that she came to Buffalo fairly often, and I seemed cool, so she’d like to chat if I ever felt like it. Over the next week or so we chatted a couple times. Nothing heavy at all. Very light and friendly. At some point, birthdays came up and she noted that mine was only a week away.
She asked what I was doing to celebrate and I told her I was just staying home. She asked why. “I recently moved here and I really have no one to go and have a few drinks with. It’s cool, though. My birthdays normally suck anyway.”
She thought that sounded “fucked up” and said she wanted to take me out for my birthday. Her treat and just as friends. I told her I appreciated the offer, but I couldn’t let her take me out. I said I would pay for my meal, but she kept arguing. I finally shut up, figuring we could fight about it in person at the table.
Traffic was shitty at the border. I’d never been over the Rainbow Bridge from Niagara Falls before. Normally I would take the Lewiston-Queenston Bridge into Hamilton or Toronto. She lived near the Rainbow Bridge, so we met at a place in Clifton Hill.
She arrived moments after I did and we hugged hello. They had a table ready for us and as we sat down to order she reiterated that she was paying. We argued for a moment and I finally accepted, but said I was buying when she came to New York. She said it was a deal.
She ordered a bottle of wine. Then another. We enjoyed our food and chatted about our friends, crappy dates we’ve been on and stuff like that. There wasn’t an ounce of sexual tension and it was really fun.
After we ordered dessert, she ran to the ladies room for a moment. I looked at my watch and noticed she’d been gone about five minutes. I wasn’t worried. Around the eight minute mark, it smacked me right in the face.
This bitch ain’t coming back.
I found a waitress and explained that the girl I was with has been in the washroom for a while and I wanted to make sure she was OK. The waitress returned a couple moments later and informed me there was no one in there. Are you fucking kidding me?
I told the manager what was going on and he had someone look in the parking lots outside, but she wasn’t out there. This chick actually stuck me with a very sizeable dinner tab. All told, with dinner and tip I was out close to $200 CAD. Holy crap!
You might be saying to yourself, “Wow that is one jacked up story.” I’m about to jack it up a notch for you.
During dinner she mentioned her friend Dee. “Dee really likes Americans and she’s looking for a boyfriend. She comes to Buffalo all the time. If you have any cool friends, maybe they could meet,” she said.
She said it in passing and I didn’t give it much thought. Until I got home and found I had an e-mail from the online dating site. The e-mail was from a girl named Dee. Dee lives in Southern Ontario, just 2 kilometers away from the Rainbow Bridge. Hmmmmm. Seems too coincidental.
I opened the message and she said she was going to be in Buffalo the next night and that she’d love to meet for a drink. I told her it sounded fun, so we decided on 8 PM at a place on Chippewa. Before you start telling me what a dumbass I am, let me continue with the story.
I knew immediately this was a set up. Her friend boned me (figuratively speaking) out of around $180 USD and now it was her turn. Screw you sister. I figured I could have some fun and play along with her, but no way in hell was I going to meet her.
My guess is that she was going to show up, order outrageously over priced drinks, and then stick me with the bill. If not that, she would just plain not show up. My plan solved both those scenarios.
About 7:50 I got a text from her. “ I’m running about five min late,” it said. I told her it was no problem. I was standing right out front.
At 8:05 she texted, saying she was in the neighborhood and looking for parking. I again replied that I was right outside and that it was no problem. Exactly nine minutes later I received this text:
“Ha ha. We got you sucker. Canadian chicks rule.”
I replied that I was actually sitting on the couch watching TV with my daughter. She called bullshit and I told her to call my phone. When it rang, I told Drama Queen to answer it, then immediately hand it to me.
I took the phone from my daughter and said, “Hello?” “You’re a dick,” she screamed into the phone. “Yes I am,” I replied. “Please tell your friend thanks for dinner.”