“I fell into a huge hole (not mine, it’s petite) & twisted my ankle.”
Toy With Me
Thanks to everyone who participated in the Assholes Finish First book giveaway. I’d also like to thank the panel of judges who ultimately decided the winner of the book. I brought these four in because they know what debauchery is and they all know how to bring the funny. When you’re done checking this out and subscribing to my blog, I highly suggest you check out the judges amazing blogs.
I picked the top four stories from those submitted and gave them to the judges. They each gave me their first and second choice, and from there I tallied the final order. Each of these stories was awesome and each of you deserve a copy. But there can only be one winner.
#4 Christmas Eve
This is the conversation from Christmas Eve between my father, his girlfriend, and myself shortly after a friend of mine unveiled some dirt. The girlfriend proceeded to choke me against the wall and ask me how it happened with my inability to respond because I couldn’t breathe she screamed:
Dad’s Girlfriend– “Say you didn’t put your tiny dick in my daughter!!”
Schnep– “ Y–or. Chok—n.”
Dad’s Girlfriend– “Tell me right now!”
She loosens her grip.
Schnep– “It’s NOT little!”
I look at my father to predict how bad this ass beating is going to be.
He walks over to me with a shitty look that ate down to my core, and with a pat on the back:
“That’s my boy.”
#3 The Parking Lot
I should have been swimming at a chicks house but there I was in the Long Beach Airport parking lot talking to my ex girlfriend.
“No I can’t do this anymore,” I told her. “Just one more chance? I promise it will work out. Come on lets get in the back seat, ” she urged with a wink and a smile.
As we sat there in the dark of the parking lot late at night some asshole decided to slowly roll up from across the parking lot headlights bearing down on us from the side. I turned and looked expecting it to be some kind of drug deal or maybe the Zodiac killer here to murder me and my ex.
The car, noticing we were there, slowly pulled past us, went to the other side of the parking lot and turned off its lights. “Weird,” I thought.
Not thinking anything of it I finished my conversation with my ex and dropped her off at home. The next night while having dinner with my best friend he stopped mid bite and asked, “Hey man, where were you last night?”
I immediately realized that the car of the asshole rolling down on me the night before was his and that while I was trying to tell some chick to back off he was sucking down on some big fat titties of a barely 18 night out. Some night out.
The fight for first and second was close. Very close. Keep reading and you’ll see why.
#2 Playboy Mansion
Went to the playboy mansion with my husband, long story. I decided we couldn’t be there without sneaking off & having some sexy time. Seriously, you can’t go to Hef’s & not have sex!!
Anyway I got so excited running down a path in his forest/woods I fell into a huge hole (not mine, it’s petite) & twisted my ankle. Thankfully I was drunk enough not to feel pain & we did manage to get a quickie in!
I was on a date with this ass*ole and we were at our favorite liquor establishment when a girl with huge tits walks in. He eyes her up, then says to me, “Damn, I’d like to motor boat those tits.” He leaves me at the bar and goes to talk to her….
Needless to say, I left him with the tab and went home…. actually I went to my dude on the side for some good action……
Thanks to The Rowing Chic for turning in our winning entry and Toy With Me for the second place entry. These four finalists are the reason I assembled a panel of judges instead of trying to do this myself.
Even if you didn’t win the autographed copy of Assholes Finish First, I urge you to go pick up a copy for yourself and check it out. It’s some good shit…