I’m not a racist. Nor am I sexist, homophobic or anything else that would suggest I don’t like people based on their skin color, religion or any other shit like that. If I don’t like someone it has nothing to do with any of the above mentioned things. If I don’t like you it’s because you’re an asshole. Or a bitch. Probably both.
I know it’s highly likely that there are a lot of people who don’t like me and I would hope it’s because I’m a part-time dick and not because of my cracker-ness. I can readily admit that I’m an asshole. At times.
Lately those times have been most of the time, but I can honestly say that the increase in douchiness is a combination of fucked up neurology and a lack of medicine. But that’s not the point of this blog post. Not that this blog post has an actual point. One day I will tell you all the neurology story, but I can’t right now. What gave me the idea for this interesting bit of prose? I’m glad you asked.
This morning I was cruising up the street to grab a cup of coffee and I was listening to Kevin & Bean on KROQ. They were talking about how people are all up in arms about Chaz Bono appearing on Dancing With The Stars and how its no longer a “family show”.
I will admit that I’m not a fan of DWTS, but when was watching a show filled mainly with rejects trapsing around in short skirts and low cut dresses ever a family show? Now that I look at it from this perspective, maybe I DO need to watch it. It could make some awesome writing inspiration.
Didn’t Paul McCartney’s one legged ex appear on the show? If so, how the fuck did I miss that shit? I pride myself on the fact that I try to stay on top of the current train wrecks. Yeah. I’m sure she was on DWTS because I distinctly remember being on air and asking my then-radio co-host Niya, if her leg came off while she was dancing. But back to Chaz…
In case you don’t know who Chaz Bono is, let me give you the Cliff Notes version. Back in the day (sometime in mid 1968 to be exact) Sonny and Cher got freaky and conceived a little girl named Chastity Sun Bono. The early years were probably pretty OK, but I’m sure you can figure out how this went south pretty quickly.
Her mom has had something like 12 Farewell tours and her dad became mayor of Palm Springs, then a U.S. Congressmen and eventually skied into a tree and died. Chastity came out to her parents at 18, then to the public in 1995. To be fair, the public figured it out somewhere around 1988, but she came out in 1995. At age 39 she underwent transgender surgery and officially changed
her, his the name to Chaz Salvatore Bono.
Now that you have the background on all this (and it only took me 493 words to do it), let me tell you how this while blog post came about. As I pulled into It’s A Grind for some java (still listening to Kevin & Bean),I was struck by a thought.
“Why the hell do people give a shit about Dancing With The Fucking Stars?” I thought to myself. “Chaz is just some fat dude with a rack.” Right after that I parked my car and retrieved my phone from the passenger seat. I looked at the phone and paused for a moment. An idea popped into my head and I’m proud to say that I actually took a moment to ponder it before I went ahead and pulled the trigger. I did go ahead and pull the trigger, but the fact that I thought about it made me proud.
I opened the Tweetdeck app and promptly typed these words. “Chas Bono was a fugly chick, but now she’s just some fat dude with moobs. Yeah. I said it.” Yes I know I misspelled Chaz in the tweet. My bad. Should I have called Chaz ugly? Probably not. But I’m not the most attractive dude in town, so I think I’m allowed some leeway.
I guess it’s pretty obvious that I’m not a fan of the Chaz man, but it has nothing to do with his looks or his transgender-ness. I grew up in and around Long Beach and both Chastity and Chaz lived around the LBC. And she was in the local papers. A lot. Usually yapping her mouth about something.
I know enough to call Chaz a he, but I will admit that when it comes to writing about someone both before and after, that I’m not sure of it’s “him”, “her”, “he”, or”she”. So, for purposes of this blog post, I will refer to either her or she if the event happened to Chastity and he or him if it was Chaz. Fair enough? Cool.
I have no problem with people getting all political and shit, but why does the fact that she’s gay or transgender mean that I should listen to her? I don’t listen to her any less because she’s lesbian and he’s transgender, so why should I listen to him more because he is? Am I making any sense here?
What I mean to say is that I listen to people not because they’re black or white and not because they’re gay or straight. I pay attention to what someone says because they make sense. Or because they’re a fuckin loon. One of the two. Either way, race, religion or sexual orientation plays no part in how I feel about The Chaz Man.
So what if Chaz is gonna be on the show and he’s gonna be dancing with some chick? Who gives a shit. If your kids don’t know the whole Chastity/Chaz story, do you really think watching some stupid dancing reality show is gonna clue them in to the fact that some chicks get dicks?
Trust me, your daughter isn’t going to turn to you and say, “Mother. I do believe that man would look better in a dress.” It’s just not gonna happen. I actually think it would be worse if Chastity was on the show. Then your kids would probably ask, “Why is that guy wearing a dress.” That would totally happen. I’m just saying.
The bottom line is this. If I guy can enter you through the front door, you’re a chick. But if he has no choice but to use the back door, you’re a dude. Chastity Bono had her front door permanently sealed, which means Chaz Bono is a dude. Quit bitchin about this and watch him get booted the first couple weeks. How do I know that will happen? It has to. Chaz Bono is a white dude in his 40’s and everyone knows white men can’t dance.
P.S. If you like this blog post, hopefully this is a sign that I’m back in the groove I enjoy. If you did NOT like this blog post, be warned. I may be back in the groove I enjoy. Also, you ever wonder what Cher would change if she could turn back time?
P.S.S. Cher is MILF-a-licious in this video. Don’t try and tell me she didn’t nail a sailor after the video was shot, because you know she did. Maybe even two. Possibly at the same time.