“You keep it classy, San Diego.” Ron Burgundy, Anchorman
This past July my esteemed colleague, Ozy from No, Seriously, What About Teh Menz? wrote about unsolicited penis pics. Zirs was a solid piece and started me thinking about solicited penis pictures.
My only complaint with Ozy’s piece (link below) is that zie didn’t write it sooner. If zie had maybe we wouldn’t know whether or not Congressman Weiner’s hot dog is kosher or how Brett Favre pulled out fourth and inches again and again.
If there are unsolicited pictures, then there must be solicited ones, right? Maybe “solicited” isn’t the right word to use. I mean, when people are roaming the seedy streets of this great country they’re soliciting something more physical than a photograph and they’re also probably contracting a permanent disease to remind them of the evening in question. How about we instead call them “Requests” for a crotch shot?
As technology advances so does our ability to move the proverbial line further and further away. The unsolicited penis picture crosses that line but fear not because I have some tips to keep you classy-ish with your photography.
With great power comes great responsibility, and if you wish to keep wielding that power you need to take a lot of responsibility when it comes to your downstairs neighbor.
You would think that this logic would translate to the ladies but the reality is that if a woman is sending you a picture of her hoo-ha and you haven’t asked for it you should take it and count it as a win. Also, don’t argue about the lighting, set or wardrobe she’s chosen. Do that and you’re virtually guaranteed to be taken off the VIP list.
Wanting a female perspective on this I contacted my Muse and after some pretty funny texts came to the conclusion that there are a few things to be considered if you’re planning on fulfilling that special request.
Please let me be clear and explain that I’m not advocating the sending of nude photos to someone else. On the other hand I’m not stopping you. This post is like a gun safety course. If you’re going to pull the trigger you need to know the basics of how to use the weapon without killing anyone.
“To trim or not to trim. That’s really the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the stings and arrows of the thicket growing around your tree or to take arms (razor) against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them.”
My personal opinion is that guys should take some pride in their appearance and give their friend some breathing room. I’m not saying you need to strip him naked, dress him up or put on a show but at least have him looking presentable. After all, he’s being paraded around in front of company.
I’m not entirely sure where I stand on props so let’s instead focus on the background. I guess it should be well lit and free of distractions. I haven’t really put a lot of thought into it. Sorry.
Also, while some angles definitely flatter your friend others clearly indicate you’re trying to overcompensate. If you’re going to send out pictures you need to be proud of what you have but also be realistic. No matter what you do, a worm on a hook will never look like an anaconda.
When you’re done rolling the dice on the future mental stability of the photograph’s recipient and on whether they may or may not get mad at you and show their friends your manhood, how about you delete it off your phone the moment sending is complete. That way no one else *cough* your kids *cough* accidentally sees it.
My Muse suggested sending a photograph to your special someone before going into her yearly OB/GYN exam. I think it was a joke. I can kind of see her logic but I’m not sure why the woman would need that in her possession at that moment.
I guess if the doctor asked, “How did this happen?” It would be good to have though I’m not sure how the doc would react. Or why he would ask in the first place.
Times to NOT send crotch shots, even if they have been requested, include:
- When the recipient is having dinner with their parents
- During church Bible Study
- During the yearly work eval
- While at a parent teacher conference
- While they get a haircut. (Unless you’re trying to send a message to the stylist that you’re skeezy.)
- While they lead an important work meeting with corporate honchos.
Let’s finish up with a talk about crotch shot etiquette. No one wants to be embarrassed, especially about the fact that co-workers saw a nudie pic on your phone or about the fact that your family now knows that the sender is swinging a little hammer.
If you’re going to text a picture of your penis you need to first send up a warning shot. Not the kind you’re probably imagining right now but rather a pre-text to the grand finale.
“The next text is for your eyes only” would probably work but “Brace yourself” not so much.
If you choose to use the ‘net to peddle your smut I suggest NSFW in the early part of the subject line. Don’t expect the recipient to read the whole subject and DO NOT. UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES use the recipients work e-mail. Especially if you’re not well endowed. Break this rule and by three PM everybody in the company will know what you’re working with.
My list is by no means exhaustive and us subject to change with technology. What are your rules or policies for intimate photography with your mobile phone, tablet or computer? I want to know. I think.
Photo of guy with computer courtesy Shutterstock