The non-traditional relationship, clandestine, illicit, whichever you prefer to call it, has one thing in common… the third person always gets the short end of the stick.
Always, always, always.
I’ve been researching this topic for a while.
Why does the married person get to have their cake and eat it too?
What makes them so special?
…
‘Breanne’ was out with friends one night when she met ‘Andrew’ at a pub. She caught the eye of someone confidant, attractive and very, very huggable.. he had on a cozy dark sweater, perfect jeans and soft curly dark hair.
She was smitten from that first second and the mating game began.
As he made his way over, the first thing Breanne noticed was the ring… he’s safe… he’s married… but…maybe they have a bad relationship?
All the scenarios went through her mind. “That ring… he’s probably the perfect husband.. his wife probably doesn’t appreciate him”
…
Why is Andrew so alluring?
Because he belongs to someone else, he’s good relationship material because after all, someone married him.
Maybe, … just maybe… she could have that for herself.
Maybe he’s the one!
But rather than realizing it’s the symbol of marriage and commitment she wants, she thinks it’s Andrew.
The ring he wears represents what she doesn’t have.
“He must be experienced, he must know exactly how to treat a woman”
According to a research study highlighted by Dr. Valerie Golden in Psychology Today, 90% of single women were interested in a man if he were married, as opposed to 59% if they were told he was single.
…
Andrew isn’t so special, he’s an ordinary person, like every other one of us. He just looks good and he may smell amazing, but that’s all it is.
There is something about unavailability that makes someone alluring.
The wedding band on their left-hand shows they’re unavailable, yet there’s something special about that person. That something special is simply the fact that they represent what the interested party doesn’t have.
Further studies show that women were more likely to find a man more attractive when other women also found them attractive. Our human nature is to consider the opinions of others. A married man has already been vetted so to speak.
However, the married person isn’t that special. Honestly.
There are many self-preserving reasons why Breanne should downright ignore his advances.
Here are just a few;
Feeding Their Ego
Is Andrew really interested in her? Does he think she’s that irresistible and willing to uproot his entire way of life for her?
Probably not.
We all need an ego boost from time to time. Chances are he’s wanting to feel irresistible himself.
Perhaps he wants to know he’s still got it.
He sees her as conquest and she just so happens to be the only one who adhered to his advances.
He’s not hiding the fact he’s married.
Kills Your Self-Esteem
While he’s in an ego high, Breanne is in a constant state of insecurity. She worries when she’ll see him again, she worries about what he’s doing at home with his wife, she’s lonely all night, every night.
Holidays Alone
I remember when I was 16, I met a woman who lived in our building. We’ll call her Linda.
She had a closet full of sexy and expensive lingerie. She went out of her way to make each visit with him perfect. She was obsessed with keeping a perfect appearance for him.
The only thing that seemed to matter was her time with him.
I remember one night on Christmas Eve she was dressed nicely, with candles lit with hors d’oeuvres and champagne. He told her he would try to visit… he was married with children and it was Christmas Eve, obviously it was a very sad and lonely night for her. She sat there on the sofa with hors d’oeuvres and champagne for one.
I remember how sad I felt for her, but mostly I remember how sad I thought her way of life was. At 16 I couldn’t understand why someone would wait around for another who was so unavailable.
Eventually, my family and I moved away. She was still waiting for him when we left and lost contact.
Nothing Worse Than Waiting
Waiting for that phone call, waiting for the next time you can see them… it’s a perpetual waiting game. And then he texts you last minute saying he can’t make it.
How frustrating would that be? In my mind, it’s not worth it.
You’re Not the One
The one thing I’ve noticed is those who date someone married, wholeheartedly believe they’re the one. They tell themselves that their partner is madly in love with them… that they pine over their lover while at home with their family.
This couldn’t be further from the truth. If they wanted out of that situation, they would be out of it by now.
They like their lives at home. Otherwise, they wouldn’t be there, regardless of what they say.
They share friends, families and neighbours. They have a comfortable life together.
He’s not going to risk ending that, he’s not going to embarrass himself in front of said friends and family by being a stereotype that left his partner for another.
Divorce is Too Expensive
The married partner no doubt does not want to pay the steep fee that divorce accumulates.
They’ve worked hard to get what they have, they’re not about to lose it. Especially when they’re getting everything they want anyway. And if their lover were to leave… they’d just find a replacement.
Being replaceable is a total turn-off.
They love their spouse
Make no mistake, this is the truth. They have good laughs at home, they banter back and forth, they plan a future ‘together’.
Where does the other person fit into those plans?
The other person is a temporary distraction from life.
Who wants to be that?
You Can’t Share the Story of How You Met
So say the odds were with you and they left their partner/family for someone else.
You’re enjoying a fairy tale romance and then you’re invited out to a Bar-B-Que, and the age-old question comes along.
“So how did you two meet?”
Or even worse… the guests know exactly how you two met and they’re giving you the icy treatment because they’re still friends with the ex. From that point forward, you promise yourself never to go to another gathering like that again.
They Are Good Liars
So, how could Breanne ever trust Andrew? She would constantly worry about lies and deceit herself.
They Take Their Spouse to Nice Restaurants
For me, this would be a big one. While you’re at home on Friday night date-night, he’s at that new Italian restaurant you’ve been wanting to try, with his spouse. He’s wearing her favourite shirt and the cologne she bought him.
Will he take Breanne to that restaurant one day? Most definitely not. Who can she go to the restaurant with? She knows he loves Italian and knows he took his spouse. Suddenly Breanne no longer wants to try that amazing new restaurant.
She begins to realize ordinary day-to-day things in life that one would do with a partner leaves her frustrated and more alone than ever.
Life is Too Short to be Put on Hold
Breanne tells herself she doesn’t need all that relationship stuff. She tells herself she’s happy with what little she receives from her married partner.
She innately, with every fibre of her being, believes she is a martyr of sorts, loyally waiting for her partner.
The problem with that logic is that’s not how he sees her. He subconsciously sees her as an easy target for his morale boost.
These are just a few good reasons not to even start a relationship with someone married.
In fact, if the opportunity ever arises, spare yourself a whole lot of grief and don’t just walk away… run.
They’re not the ones for you, they’re someone else’s one.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Scott Warman on Unsplash