A formerly miserable man has found ten actions that really work.
1. First and foremost I appreciate – respect – accept myself. And I’ve (almost!)
become immune to the approval or disapproval, even the ‘love’ or hatred, of
others – as I realise these are mostly just projections of their own feelings about
2. I know the only kind of ‘romantic’ love I want is rooted in a sense of deeply
shared humanity, and a commitment to mutual kindness and respect with
someone who is attractive to me mentally and physically – rather being rooted in
(as it has been in the past for me!) a need to be validated by them.
3. I appreciate/respect/accept all other human beings as different – but-equal to
me. Because I feel ‘enough’ in myself, I don’t need to project my fears and
insecurities on to them to demean or ‘punish’ them in any way
4. I have clear boundaries in relation to other people. I refuse to feel threatened by
anyone, or allow them to harm me, or anyone else if I can prevent it. I don’t
blame or shame anyone for how they feel or behave.
5. I do what has meaning for me, from choice rather than from a sense of
obligation. So I don’t envy or resent anyone, because no-one is existentially
‘richer’ than me.
6. Other than after prior agreement, I don’t have expectations of anyone, and I am
not angry or disappointed when they don’t act/feel the way I think they ‘should’
(i.e. the way I might act/feel). I observe and accept people as they are. If anyone
lets me down, I forgive them but also make it clear that I won’t accept it a second
7. I speak my truth most of the time (except when it might cause unnecessary hurt).
8. I have reflected on the culture I grew up in, and have accepted or rejected
different parts of that, according to whether they fit my current sense of what is
right, rather than out of a wish to fit in. I know what I believe, and what is
important to me, and I don’t compromise on those.
9. I have worked through a lot of my childhood trauma – my buried father wounds
and mother wounds. I now mostly have a secure attachment style –and I can
recognise and do something about it when some part of my past tries to sabotage
10. I’m intrigued by other people’s views when they are different to mine, rather
than judging them; I let them know if I find them unacceptable (and why) but
don’t assume I am ‘right’ or that I can (or should) try to change them.
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