There’s no way around it—the person you’re dating probably had sex with someone else before he or she had sex with you.
Maybe a lot of people. Maybe in wild, kinky ways that you thought only happened in the most secret clubs in Bangkok. Maybe they lived in Bangkok. In any case, if you want to be involved with this person, it’s your responsibility to get over it.
No one’s going to say that it’s easy to deal with your partner’s sexual past, especially if it’s more colorful than your own. If you’re finding it difficult to get past the jealousy, you’re not alone. The Frisky recently published a piece about a boyfriend who made his girlfriend feel ashamed of her sexual history. The Gloss had a post in which a variety of women explored whether or not they could be with a man who had slept with a prostitute. Though not everyone experiences debilitating rage when they think of a partner’s past, it would be safe to say that jealousy is something that most people have to deal with at one point or another.
The good news is, you can. We may be hard-wired to rid the world of sexual competitors, but it is an impulse that can be controlled and even used to our advantage in relationships. Here are a few things to keep in mind.
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1. The fact that they’re telling you about it at all says something
STDs aside, your partner’s sexual past is really their business. If they’re telling you about it, it’s probably because they care enough about you to be upfront. Remember that. They’re being honest, which gives you license to be honest about your feelings about it. Just try to be aware of when you’re sharing your feelings and when you’re irrationally blaming your partner for hurting you with their past behavior.
2. Experience = better sex
Dating someone who’s had lots of sex could mean they’re better at sex. Consider yourself lucky that someone else got the brunt of their awkward phase.
3. There’s nothing they can do about it now
What would you actually have your partner do about their sexual past? Go back in time and erase it? First of all, changing the past could do irreparable damage to the space/time continuum. Second, it’s impossible. If you need time to deal with it, take it. But make sure you’re not punishing someone for that happened before you met and can’t be undone.
4. They didn’t know you when it happened
Whoever else they had sex with, however many of them there were, IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.
5. They may have gotten it out of their system
Just because someone has a promiscuous past doesn’t necessarily mean you have to worry about their insatiable sexual appetite. They may have been sowing their wild oats. And now they’re all “sown” up. You don’t have to worry so much about them leaving you at 45 to go on a motorcycle tour of the nation’s brothels. Or seducing the pool boy, depending.
6. It’s how they treat you now that’s important, right?
Right. If everything else about them works for you, that’s what matters. Of course, if they’re not treating you how you think you deserve to be treated, that might be what you’re really upset about.
7. Their past has made them who they are
That sincere confidence? That may have come in part by having their attractiveness confirmed in the past. It may have also come from getting screwed over and healing. Remember that, if you like this person, it’s every experience they’ve ever had that made them into the person you like.
8. Remember, this is your issue
While your partner should be as sensitive as he can to your insecurities (we’re all human), he shouldn’t be made to feel guilty. Your jealousy is your own responsibility. Maybe you need to take a break and go have sex with a bunch of people. Maybe you just need to talk to a friend. But do something. Don’t just stew.
9. Jealousy can be your friend
Just because you’re jealous doesn’t mean you’re a psycho. Jealousy can be kind of hot. Feeling like someone wants you all to themselves can be a huge turn-on. Go ahead and tell the person you’re dating all about how you feel. Don’t whine, don’t apologize. You want to murder everyone she’s ever had sex with? Own that feeling. Just don’t actually do it.
10. Be the best they ever had
The best sex is not necessarily the kinkiest sex. It’s not necessarily with a “perfect 10.” The best sex is with the person who understands you the best. It’s with the person who is the most turned on by you. Pay attention, stay open, and rock that person’s world. You’ll be amazed at how little the past matters when you’re both having the best sex of your lives.
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
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 The Reality All Women Experience (that Men Don’t Know About) |
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Reposted from howaboutwe.com.
—photo: istock
My boyfriend, and I love each other so much, and he felt like he should finally let me know after 7 months of being together that he had a really messed up childhood, and he wished he could’ve just lived a normal childhood without always having sexual thoughts/fantasies/urges/actions. I knew he’s had sex in the past twice, and I knew he was young, but he never told me how young I just assumed he was in his teens. Well I was wrong he told me the first time he had sex was when he was 8 with his older sister,… Read more »
lol…so many insecure men commenting here. It’s like every one of the guys here has a complex about a woman having sex with someone else other than them.
Hey dudes, women like to fuck, too. And the reality is, they have even MORE libido in their mid to late 30s, so get used to it. You won’t be able to keep up.
My girlfriend and I met in 9th grade. I liked her a lot and my friend met her because of me. She ended up dating him instead of me (even said she liked us both). They ended up having sex and my friend would not stop talking about it to me and it really fucked with me for the longest time. years later this old crush of mine and I are talking again and I end up dating her and everything is going great, she is an amazing person, but it turns out she had sex with multiple of my… Read more »
I’ve been married for 33 years now and my wife (girlfriend in college) did basically the same thing to me with 6 or more of my fraternity brothers (none were my best friends, thankfully). It was basically because I rejected her and she went on a humping rampage of sorts- so it was my own doing. Your situation is different I realize, but I think if you truly love her you’ll be able to get past her former lovers. It’s not easy, but you two need to talk about it at great length and understand that these other guys aren’t… Read more »
My wife at 13 years old consented to sex with a 25 year old and then later at 13 drunk at her adult sister with a child of here own house had a threesome with her sister and her boyfriend the father of older sisters child She is 36 and my wife I can’t get it out of my head it’s destroying our marriage
She was 13 and in most states that is considered rape. She was a child. I hope you can be understanding that there is no way she could of consented because the children to adult mentality. She had no understanding and shame on her sister. As a woman, I would hope you find a way to help her through that traumatic experience and show empathy for her.
I wish there was a #mononormativity tag on this site. It would apply to half the posts :/
My fiancé is much more experienced than I am. I can still count my partners on one hand and he is likely at 50+. He occasionally mentions something generically about his past escapades, but never any details. I don’t want details! For example, he told me that women have told him he gives great massages. He’s never given me one, and when I ask why, he said he used this as a tactic to get laid. I know he didn’t know me then, but his comments like this bother me. We are in our fifties and with that comes a… Read more »
He is very lucky because you have relationship etiquette. I think he could use some lessons on what not to say. Maybe tell him that when he makes comments like that it bothers you. Obviously, he won’t be perfect but if he can try to do better than hopefully it will help your mental health.
Why can’t people just not bring it up? It seems like every woman I’ve tried to have a relationship with in the last 20 years brags about banging some guy with a huge cock. Jesus Christ I just don’t want to hear about it.
Just had an interesting discussion with my fiancee! We have know each other for over a decade and, have been together for over a year, getting married in a few months, even have a house and baby together. I thought we had both been completely open about our sexual pasts, until I mentioned in passing a gumbo know who works in our local pub….She went red and flustered….turns out shed had a one night stand with him and neglected to mention it. She knows of all of my sexual past, but I’m now left wondering what else she’s hiding from… Read more »
Am in the same situation, yet again and despite being 50. Been reading these type of blogs for virtually all of the 4 years of my current relationship, looking for the magic answer. There is one simple golden rule, NEVER, EVER, EVER give a new partner details about your past relationships & conquests, NO good ever comes from divulging such and the common denominator of all of my past relationships failing is the ‘Lady’ ? concerned blabbing about her past love interests. For anyone wondering, no, I’ve never asked and I have never told as I not only consider it… Read more »
Sound to me like your mind has been taken over with thoughts of inadequacy. Due to her telling stories in such a way that it was impossible for you not to compare yourself. I hate that this has happened to you friend. If you are not married than really challenege your relationship before you end up so. If she is perfect for you then it us worth testing and seeing if someone will respect you. In my experience respect is the most important thing for a man/husband. It is so defeating when you are not respected by the one you… Read more »
I really liked your response.
Hi all..I have issues that my chap had been with prostitutes while in RAF 20+ years ago.. we have been together 8. I can’t get my head around it and even seeing stuff on tv makes me feel bad especially if he is also watching as I visualize him with them. Sex is not great and it’s straight down to it, No kissing no touching. I feel it’s because I am not like the perfect prostitute..It kills me..have mentioned this in the past but he just rolls his eyes.. Help
I have no issue with my GF’s promiscuous past. It’s to be expected. Women will almost always have more partners. What’s bugging me is the fact that she did kinky things, including live sex chats, but won’t do those things with me. We’re not even a year in, and we’re down to sex every few weeks/month. I feel insulted. She felt the need to impress those men and get crazy with them, but I’m not worth that effort? She knows I never got to try these things and she doesn’t want me to experience them. It’d honestly feel better to… Read more »
Hello, I’m faced with a similar situation with my wife. Though I wasn’t quite promiscuous as the article mentions but I’ve had a few flings in my past. My wife now calls me a bad person because of my past behavior. This didn’t come out during our initial discussion which I should have brought up but now it’s starting to drive a wedge in our relationship. We’ve only been married for 3 months so far. I’ve been faithful to my wife ever since our engagement 5 months ago and now I always feel like I’m walking on eggshells. What should… Read more »
Tell her whatever she wants. That is how I keep my relationship going. Her views and ways to see things are different than yours. I like it raw, the bare truth. This way there is no room for your/her imagination to work, what can be really bad.
According to studies, number of sexual partners is negatively correlated with lasting relationships. If woman had no partner other than her husband, odds of marriage surviving 5+ years are around 80%. At 2 extra partners – just under 50%. At 20+ partners – 20%. So yeah, I will treat past as reasonable estimator of how seriously should a woman be taken.
My wife banged 9 guys before (and during) me, we’ve been married for going on 17 years. I recognize she has needs, and work with her on them. I don’t sit around fretting about those things, it’s part of being a mature man.
He did know me when he slept with other people, we started flirting with each other and started talking about going out and the next thing i know, he’s hooked up with 8 girls, slept with 3 of them including a friend of mine who knew we liked each other. But he slept with her the most. I know all this healing stuff and i am really trying, but man it hurts that i wasn’t worth him waiting a few months or weeks when he professed i am worth waiting for. And for him to do it with my friend…… Read more »
My wife lied about an affair with our lecturer whilst we were at Uni together. After marriage she carried on seeing him (brought me to his house, brought him to our house with his wife and kids, cooked him dinner, took a job off him). Then last year, after 11 years of marriage, she told me that at uni she had had ’69’ with him on his office floor. I’m devastated. We have three little kids. I see no way back.
Mate you should try some websites I know for healing it’s hard, Google Si (infidelity) could really help.
I’m with ya man. Just found out my wife let some dude go down on her when I thought I was the only one who had ever done it. Christ, I was ready to serve divorce papers today but the truth is she did it over 27 years ago and way before we met so i really don’t have a case. I’ll get over it (eventually) but there’s not much we can do.
Lies are a no-no. If a dog bites once, it can bite again. If you asked and she lied in the past, what else could she be holding ? Better leave IMO. The clock is ticking and you are not getting younger.
I have to say, it gets a bit old to hear “it has nothing to do with you”. Its a very trite and simple thing to say to someone hurting….and obviously if it finds its way into your present it has everything to do with you. From an STD to finding sex tapes, etc. Those things are painful regardless of all this common sense minimizing. And you know what? You actually don’t HAVE to deal with it. If its too much or incongruent with your morals, or if the pain doesn’t stop, its really not healthy to continue to deal… Read more »
Hi, I have had a difficult time dealing with my wife’s sexual past. I don’t think she regrets it. Last summer, she laughingly told me after 14 years of marriage that she had multiple sex partners going on at the same time….. I got tested and was diagnosed with Herpes 2. We got into a heated discussion and she said “Had you had known of my past, you would have been out of the relationship!”. She’s right! I NEVER would have married her. We have two kids and I am staying in the marriage. They have a wholesome environment to… Read more »
Never fought? RED FLAG Couples fight.. and if you’re not fighting your suppressing feelings. They’ll come out eventually. In the form of abuse, infidelity, depression, or recklessness.
Staying together for a ‘wholesome environment’ for the kids? RED FLAG. Is it really a wholesome environment if you two aren’t a loving couple? Or are you teaching your kids to that you need to lie and be something your not just to please someone else?
Do you and her and your kids a favour. Leave the marriage and find someone who’s past fits you better. Your just perpetuating your own misery otherwise.
Remember, she slept with assholes and alphas and chose you as the beta.
I’m, male, 34, and only had my sexual partner 12 months ago. She was 39 and had a number of partners, and was stunned to learn I had not been with anyone by my age. I did appreciate and learn from her as it was a whole new experience for me. We broke up a while ago, but I know that my next partner will likely have a sexual history, and she will learn that I’ve been with one other. It’s not the past that bothers me, it is that we chose each other and love each other to make… Read more »
I think one of the reasons there are so many unhappy and/or sexless marriages and so many divorces is that guys don’t see “slutty women” as marriage material. Sure they’ll fuck slutty women all day long, but when it comes to settling down with them? “Oh no no noooooo! My woman must be pure, and offer herself as a sacrifice only to meeeeee!” It’s fucking ridiculous. Yes, STIs are a concern (but that goes for both genders, doesn’t it?), and single women with kids can present an unpalatable situation for lots of guys, but ultimately isn’t it better to be… Read more »
you know, I understand what is said in this article but it does not change how I feel because feelings aren’t rational. I don’t want to feel how I do but there is nothing I can do about it. I am a virgin, he’s slept with five people. I’ve met people he’s slept with and it bothers me, but I don’t want it to bother me. What do I do?
Is it too late? Did you do it? You would most likely be okay if you did. I hope you were protected. Never thought it would be fun to get pregnant on your first try or worse an STI. If I were you I would aim for marriage. Read a couple of Karmasutra books, explore self, hell explore him, but once penetrated you can’t undo that. Five to none means nothing. If you were meant to do it then do it right.
I think it will always bother you to some extent. I think that’s normal. My husband has had at least ten partners in the past of at least five I know and have run into in public areas. He shares a child with one woman and had even slept with his baby mamas niece behind her back all of which his daughter to this day knows nothing about. I deal with his baby mama and adult daughter trying to break us up, and I even get glared at by another one of his sexual conquests when I see her in… Read more »
Gosh. That’s sad. Do you have children together? Sadly, my wife has had sex with a lot of men — She had three guys going at the same time.
Pray for a spouse who is also as pure as you are. My daughter and her now husband did just that and they only know each other. It’s not impossible. Your virginity is sacred and Holy and you should never give such a wonderful gift to just anyone. On the contrary, if you love him then you must accept his previous experience as well. It may not be who he is today because people change. But really consider this carefully. Because you have something very special with your virginity. I honestly wish I had never been with anyone but my… Read more »
Let things settle. Let your brain sort out all this hurricane of emotions. 5 is no big deal. Enjoy that 5 others can not have what you are having today. All the best !
Maybe some people lived different lifestyles and expect the same from their partner, summing it up to differences in outlook? Crazy idea I know! Then again, if this simple point was acknowledged, there would be no need for a ridiculous “10 reasons why blah blah” article. But let’s dive into this cesspit of “reasons” 1- It IS my business- they’re expecting me to have a LTR with them, right? 2- which can be gained from having sex with fewer partners 3- And? 4- Not necessarily true- then what? 5- Or they get a low sex drive or raised inhibitions. 6-… Read more »
My girlfriend had a very colourful past, so many one night stands, that she couldn’t remember how man. All unprotected sex Evan with married men. It didn’t bother me, I still fell in love with her. How ever she finished me when I revealed that I had been to a brothel 3 times while single, talk about double standards.
Thank you. This article made me see everything from a different perspective. I feel like everyone is getting pretty defensive in the comment section and I just want you to know (whoever wrote this) that I really enjoyed your humourous take on the whole thing. The whole issue has been eating me up inside for days and you just made me feel so much better about it.
This is a pretty heavy subject to think that some sort of 10 step recommendation list can cure everything. These are feeling’s that resognate deep in a man or woman’s psyche, and that can’t easily be fixed. First of all the idea that you “have to” get over something is ridiculous. Some folks can’t, it’s not in their makeup to do so. The notion that it’s “not about you” is wrong also. If you’re married or in a serious relationship and your partner chooses to divulge such info to you then it becomes your business as well. How many partner’s… Read more »
Fifty years of feminism has not changed thousands of years of evolution. Men and women are different and the perception of them that goes with it. For a man to sleep with 10 women, he has to have perseverance, charm, conversation and persuasion skills and must learn to deal with rejection. The 10 conquests is quite an accomplishment. For a woman to sleep with 10 men, it’s quite different. She has a vagina which is 90% of the prospect, with the remaining 10% being a smile and saying “yes.” That makes her “easy” and consequently most people, including most women… Read more »
Patrick is 100% right, everybody wants to do the easy girl but nobody wants to marry one. Women control sex, so they control the selection process. I have traveled a lot around the world, and this is pretty much the norm everywhere, and nobody wants to marry the slut. Sex for women it is more than just the physical, which is the norm for men, and promiscuity damages women in many ways, and most men do not want that. Now some men will marry those women, but it is usually men with limited options. That is why you can marry… Read more »
There are many things that both my partner and I have disclosed to one another about our sexual past. Both of us were deviants, both of us were promiscuous. We both participated in reckless sexual activity and have been able to heal from such by coming together and creating a healthy sexual relationship. Disclosing ones past doesn’t always have to be a negative thing. I truly believe that he and I have a stronger relationship because of it. We have learned how to be vulnerable and intimate, on a level that I’ve never experienced. I’m proud of both of us… Read more »
It’s unbelievable how defensive promiscuous people are.
Your situation worked because you’re BOTH SIMILAR
Don’t you see that if he had admitted to banging 100 prostitutes while you had had sex only in committed relationships with 4 different boyfriends you would NOT have been ok with that?
This made me laugh. My ex gf was promiscuous, she had lots of unprotected sex Evan with married men. She couldn’t remember how many. I’d only been in 4 relationships. But she couldn’t stand the fact that I’d been to a brothel 3 times while single and finished me, as she found it disgusting.
I find you’re comment really interesting. Because everyone is taking about not wanting to marry the ‘slut’. First of all, Thank you! I was quite naughty in my previous life, because I was sort of lost and alone, the sense of a warm body that just wanted me was fantastic, and I was too young to commit myself to the long term, so it worked for me.. My partner and I have disclosed parts of our past, because I know there are somethings we have both done that neither want to know. I have had a hard time coming to… Read more »