Nothing limits our ability to love and be loved, and to find joy and fulfillment more than the beliefs that disconnect us from our hearts. And, nowhere do these beliefs cause more limitations than in our sex lives. Dr. Jordan Paul releases us from these false beliefs in this weekly series.
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SEX BEYOND BELIEF: 14 False Beliefs and Beyond
#1 GETTING MY SEXUAL NEEDS MET WILL SATISFY ME
#2. SEX NATURALLY BECAMES ROUTINE AND LESS FREQUENT
Nothing limits our ability to love and be loved, and to find joy and fulfillment more than the beliefs that disconnect us from our hearts. And, nowhere do these beliefs cause more limitations than in our sex lives.
Learning about my sexuality meant challenging a great deal of what conventional thinking had taught me. Although my experiences are from a heterosexual perspective, I know from nearly fifty years of teaching about relationships and practicing psychotherapy with people across the sexual identity spectrum that we all share both many limiting beliefs and the desire for meaningful intimate relationships.
For example, in 1993 I did an illuminating 25 minute interview with my dear friend Robert Eichberg, founder of National Coming Out Day, about his new book Coming Out An Act of Love. As we discussed his book, sometimes with humor and sometimes tearing up, we marveled over our common experiences. The information we shared is just as poingnant today as it was then. You can enjoy it by clicking here.
Some of the deeply engrained false sexual beliefs and fears that plagued my life will be addressed. The last blog in this series “Sex Beyond Belief” describes a different kind of sex, one that emerges when we are out of our heads and the sexual experience transcends false beliefs.
#1. GETTING MY SEXUAL NEEDS MET WILL SATISFY ME
Popular pursuits such as building sexual performance with artificially producing erections or orgasms, and pornography that encourages narcissism by making humans into sexual objects to be used and discarded, are not formulas that lead to sexual fulfillment.
Although sexual experiences focused on getting one’s own needs met are not wrong or bad, they never leave me feeling completely satisfied or fulfilled. When my focus is on getting something such as pleasure, power, or feeling manly, my heart is not in the experience. Such times might leave me feeling good in the moment but the feelings quickly fade.
As in all areas of life, I can never get enough of that which I do not need. It’s by giving that I receive lasting satisfaction and fulfillment because it meets one of our most basic needs – self-esteem. Sexual experiences that include the openness and honesty of heart connections create an emotional intimacy, creativity, passion and pleasure that fills me up and never grows old and boring. And, that puts to bed
#2. SEX NATURALLY BECAMES ROUTINE AND LESS FREQUENT
Heart-connected sex is an improvisational dance that doesn’t follow a set pattern but spontaneously winds through a never-ending variety of paths and possibilities. (The last blog in this series “Sex Beyond Belief” describes such a dance.)
Feeling fulfilled flows naturally from an emotional connection. Even in aging as the sex drive lessens, the desire for physical closeness and an emotional connection remain forever.
Although there is nothing wrong with sex as a purely physical act, it is hearts connecting that creates sexual fulfillment. Heart-connected sex is making love and that remains as one of the primary areas for nurturing and supporting the well-being of partners. And, Viagra is never needed to keep your heart on.
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What differences have you found between the times when the focus of your sexual experiences were in getting and those where the focus was on giving?
Look for discussion of the other 12 beliefs on Thursdays on The Good Men Project.
Photo: Flickr/Bryan Brennemen
if this was supposed o convince me of anything, you failed miserably. I wholeheartedly disagree with this post.
Jordan
How do we have access to the other beliefs?
Max, so then how do you propose to address a specific gender when you have information for them?? This is, after all, a site for men, about men. That’s not a box, it’s a branch on the tree no more or less important than any other. Speaking to men alone on a site for men is what a site for men is for, and as a woman who also sees the sense in speaking to women (or any other gender group) directly when sharing information meant for them, I see no perpetuating of hate here.
How is this about MEN rather than HUMANS?
You see the problem here? You’re still GENDER-BOXED. Classic GMP mistake and destroys 80% of what could be the value of this site…
And needlessly perpetuates the heterosexual gender wars.