I started dating at 16, pretty early for someone from my geography.
Dating people from different ethnicities and personalities helped me understand a lot about human behavior and myself. I did meet some wonderful people, fell in love, and got my heart broken — not just once but multiple times.
As a rookie and underconfident girl, I ignored some red flags, which turned out to be why I never had a happy ending.
In retrospect, I could have saved significant time and saved myself from the pain if I had not ignored the prominent red flags from the beginning of my relationships.
Today, I am sharing four red flags that I won’t be ignored in the future.
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Comparison Is Fatal
Comparing yourself to their ex or vice versa can be fatal for your relationship. Most of the time, I compared myself to other amazing women my partners had in their lives, affecting me drastically.
My poor self-esteem was the driving force for the toxic comparison, which I worked on and managed to get past.
But what happens when your partner is comparing you with other people?
One of my exes had a colleague who was also a writer. She had her blog and was planning on working on a book someday. As a writer myself, I was happy to meet another writer and discussion my dreams about authoring a book. At that time, the only writing I was doing was on Quora with had no idea where I would take my writing fetish to. I had a couple of million views, and some of my work appeared in online magazines.
Then boyfriend decided to compare me with his writer colleague and told me how talented she was. It didn’t felt strange when it came out the first time. But then he kept saying it after every meeting we had with her.
The surprising part was he never said those things to me. Not even for the poems, I had written for me. It was a terrible blow, and I ignored it.
He then compared me with another friend of his who happened to be my senior in college. She had scored a total 10 CGPA in her final semester. And I was a sophomore trying to find my way. I had never compared myself with another person in college because I knew I’d be able to beat people who had been studying arts since school while I dropped out of engineering to be there.
“Comparison is an act of violence against the self.”
— Iyanla Vanzant
When someone compares you to other people, they put you in the mold of another person ignoring your identity and what you’re capable of.
When someone you love and trust puts you in a weighing machine with another person, you believe them and get into the constant cycle of putting yourself down.
It also reveals that they don’t value you and everything that you are.
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Trying To Take Control of Your Life
Imagine you’re creating a painting for eight months, and someone walks in and splashes some colors without asking you. All your effort and hard work go in vain. Your painting is spoilt.
That’s what happens when your partner tries to control you. The sad part is it’s not a painting. It’s your life. You’re planning to start a business or go abroad for a master’s, but they want you to do something convenient for them.
They tell you which friend to meet, which one to ditch. They inform you what to wear and how much to drink.
They will tell you never to tie your hair or wear that dress which you love the most. But, damn, it’s hard to believe that I was one of those people who let their partner control their lives. It took me a tremendous amount of time and reflection to learn what was happening.
Remember when Pam from The Office?
She couldn’t pursue her passion for graphic design while she was with Roy because it wasn’t convenient for him to stay alone while his girlfriend lives in New York, following her passion. She can’t even attend office parties because of her former boyfriend.
It always starts with small requests which you don’t even pay attention to, and then slow it turns into avalanches that have the potential to crush your life.
That’s the toxic behavior we all ignore initially, and then it starts to snowball into turmoils and heartbreaks.
“It’s your life. Don’t let others tell you how to live it.”
— Anonymous
We let our partners make decisions for us. We think that’s their way of showing care and affection. So we put them on a pedestal and ignore how the significant decisions of our lives are being taken by them.
For as long as I remember, I loved having the idea of moving to another city to be with my then partner, and I let him take the driver’s seat to decide how we should plan our lives together. It was romantic for a moment, but then it became unbearable.
No one can think better for you than your damn self.
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When we’re in love, we ignore all the red flags and think it’s part of who they are. We believe it’s their way to show love, and with time we’ll be able to change them.
When in reality, we can’t change a person. We can’t make love or unlove ourselves. These emotions are not in our control.
What you are ignoring now has the potential to change the course of your life.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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