For the first time in my life, I feel truly happy with another person. I’ve also never put as much effort into a relationship as into this one. As you’ll see, this isn’t a mere coincidence.
That doesn’t mean you’ll never disagree and wake up every day with rose-colored glasses on.
Sometimes, I want to throw my girlfriend out the window and she wants to do the same to me (first floor, so no major harm done.) Luckily, I’m stronger than her, so she gets a lot more fresh air than I do.
Jokes aside, there’s a simple reason I wasn’t truly happy in my past relationships and why many people aren’t in their current ones. Good relationships require work not everyone is up for. Many people instead think true love should be effortless.
You grew up with Disney movies, knights in shining armor, and happily ever afters. But this isn’t reality — it’s a fairytale.
Once the honeymoon period is over, you quickly discover each other’s flaws. Your first major fight makes you doubt whether you’re meant to be. Other couples seem to be happy all the time, so you feel bad about yourself. Why do they get to be happy but I don’t? Is there something wrong with me?
There isn’t. But relationships are hard fucking work. Without effort, your undying love doesn’t matter. If that sounds unromantic to you it’s because life isn’t a fairytale — but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a happily ever after. You just have to work for it.
A good relationship is when someone accepts your past, supports your present, and encourages your future. — Zig Ziglar
What do happy couples do to make their relationships strong, supportive, and thriving?
While every relationship is different, the basic pillars the happy ones rest on are always the same.
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They Apply The Golden Rules Of Communication, Even When It’s Uncomfortable
Creating a strong relationship is like building a house and communication is the mortar that keeps it all together.
It’s everywhere, from the basement to the roof. If you neglect it, the whole building comes crashing down, burying you in a cloud of dust, debris, and pain. You’ll crawl out of the rubble wondering what went wrong.
The answer is simple: Everything.
You’re two human beings, so everything you do is an interaction and comes down to your communication, which is so much more than just talking and listening.
Good communication is about creating a safe space in which both parties can share their hopes and dreams, concerns and fears, and wants and needs without being judged, lectured, or attacked.
This isn’t always easy, especially if you have different communication styles or talk emotional topics. But if you do it right, you’ll have plenty of mortar to keep your house sturdy even in the biggest storm.
Stay calm & think before you speak
My girlfriend’s mind is fast — I’m slow and have to take my time to think. I make up for the lack of speed in the bedroom, but she doesn’t seem to appreciate that for some reason.
When I try to communicate faster than my brain works, I say things I don’t mean or forget important points.
This isn’t only harmful when you’re in the conversation, but also when you start it.
When my girlfriend gets upset about something I do, it’s often because she jumps to conclusions like a kangaroo on a trampoline. Yet, it often turns out there was nothing to worry about in the first place. Take your time and save yourself the stress.
Communication isn’t about speed but mutual understanding. Calm your emotions and think before you speak.
Once your words are out, they can’t be unsaid.
Be authentic, open, and vulnerable
In the past, the only opening up I knew was when I unlocked a door or plopped the cap of a beer bottle.
I was afraid to make myself vulnerable and admit what plagued and triggered me. I associated it with weakness — something men avoid like the plague. But in this relationship, things have been different — and it has improved our communication by a truckload.
Your partner can’t read your mind — you have to tell them what’s going on.
It isn’t easy to talk about your trauma or pain. It also isn’t easy to admit you feel jealous, unappreciated, or undesired. But if you want to make your relationship work, you have to have a few hard conversations from time to time.
Look at it this way: Your partner is the person you potentially want to spend the rest of your life with — so be honest with them, even if it makes you uncomfortable.
Listen carefully
You have two ears and one mouth — use them accordingly.
Listening doesn’t just mean shut up and let the other speak. It means to embrace what they’re saying without judgment or thinking about what you want to answer. When they talk, it’s about them, not you — and the other way around.
Pay attention and be 100% present when you listen — they’ll feel the difference.
Don’t stuff things down
Your relationship isn’t a toilet. You can’t just flush things and hope for them to resolve on their own and never see them again.
Everything you don’t deal with piles up. You won’t notice it in the beginning, but the bigger the pile gets, the more resentment it causes — and when it comes back up, the suppressed feelings explode like a shit volcano. Deal with disagreements instead of suppressing them.
This doesn’t mean you have to talk about everything in the very second it happens.
My girlfriend and I often say there’s something we’d like to talk about but we first have to make up our mind. Take your time but deal with it at one point.
Whatever you flush down will resurface, one way or the other.
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They Know What Quality Time Is And Make It A Priority
Many couples spend lots of time next to each other but not so much with each other. It’s a subtle, but crucial difference.
When you’ve been together for a while, routine knocks at the door. Novelty wears off and you get excited about other things. If you don’t pay attention, this will extinguish the flame like a garden hose a bonfire — slowly, but surely.
I’ve started my own business while my girlfriend works full time and finishes her studies. Even though we often work in the same place to at least have some time with each other, this isn’t quality time. It doesn’t count towards keeping the flame alive.
Quality time means being present with each other.
Talk instead of watching TV. Cook together instead of ordering. Trade massages instead of scrolling on your phone. Do what made you get together in the first place.
This can be hard when you’re busy, but time issues aren’t about time — they’re about priorities. If you can schedule time for work and friends, you can schedule quality time with your partner. Block a few hours, turn off your phone, and focus on each other.
You didn’t get together because you wanted someone to help you with the cleaning, share rent, or lie next to you while you watch Netflix. Spend quality time with each other instead.
Photo by Artem Beliaikin on pexels
They Work On Themselves As Much As On The Relationship
Nobody’s perfect — and neither is your relationship.
We all have our perks and quirks. In a relationship, yours multiply with theirs, which is like randomly dropping every third ingredient you find in your kitchen into a blender and hitting pulse.
Some things work well together, others make your eyes water like an onion in a fruit smoothie.
My girlfriend sometimes talks too much. I get very irritated when I’m hungry. This creates a very explosive combination when she’s excited about her day but I’m excited about dinner.
Just like you can improve a smoothie recipe, you can work on yourself and the relationship. This helps you become better human beings and strengthens your bond since you both invest time and effort into making it work.
Overcoming hardships together connects you like nothing else.
Recipes need structure — and so does the work on yourself and the relationship.
Write a relationship journal
For us, it’s a little booklet that contains our common values and what we’d like our relationship to be like.
Once a month, we talk about what we enjoyed and how we can learn from our mistakes. This helps us keep up good vibes and reduce bad ones. It has also helped her talk less when I’m not in the mood and me be less hangry when my stomach growls.
Start with your values — what’s important to both of you in the relationship. Then, check in once a month to see if you’re on track or have to adjust course. It requires consistent effort, but nothing works unless you do.
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They Handle Disagreements With Grace And Use Them To Grow
Disagreements are like Uranium-235. Great potential if handled right, devastating destruction if done wrong.
A few years ago, I was in a toxic relationship. When we disagreed, we fought and screamed until either our lungs gave up or the upstairs neighbors knocked on the door. We reconciled, got a good night’s rest, then started again the next day.
Needless to say, it didn’t last for long.
Disagreements aren’t always bad. If you do them right, they can be a great source of understanding, mutual support, and personal growth.
But like with radioactive material, handling it well isn’t always easy. Here’s a simple rule that you can live by to turn disastrous disagreements into supportive solutions.
“It’s you two against the problem, not against each other.”
This is the one sentence I always remember when shit’s about to get ugly. Your disagreements aren’t about who’s right — even if you are, you still lose if you approach them this way. Instead, they’re about solving a problem that affects both of you.
Look for solutions that improve the situation instead of blaming each other.
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Love Is A Choice, Not A Feeling
Every day, you decide how you act — and if your actions will uphold the love you have for each other.
You can choose to communicate well even though you feel like stonewalling, jumping to conclusions, or stuffing things down.
You can choose to spend quality time even though you feel like zoning out in front of the TV.
You can choose to work on yourself even though you feel like it’s a lot of effort.
You can choose to solve a problem even though you feel like proving you’re right.
Love is choosing to do the work every day.
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I help ambitious men to create an authentic vision for a fulfilled life and take action to achieve their dreams. Sign up for my free 5-minute newsletter and become part of the Authentic Men Tribe!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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