Recently, my relationship is going through a challenging time.
One year ago, my boyfriend, Jonathan, started a new job. Instead of going for a traditional corporate life, he decided to work for a startup. It is a job with a higher risk because anything can happen to the company, and they can go bankrupt overnight. However, it has more benefits: if the startup grows exponentially, Jonathan will grow with them.
It was a life-changing decision.
During the past year, Jonathan has worked like crazy. He works around 50 hours per week and rarely takes a holiday completely free of work. Besides, his job is highly demanding — he manages the sales process and deals with high-end customers directly. He also helps in other areas of the startup, such as growth strategies.
Overall, I learned that the challenging times are when the relationship shows if it’ll survive for the long term. Although Jonathan loves his job, he is constantly exhausted. In the end, he is struggling to keep a work-life balance.
And this struggle has changed our dynamic as a couple.
At first, it was overwhelming for me. I had to learn how to put my needs in second place and become a more supportive girlfriend. It has been a challenging road for Jonathan and me.
During this time, I have developed some strategies to support Jonathan and not absorb his stress. Here’s how to help your partner when they are struggling:
Practice Active Listening
Listening is one of the most underestimated skills in any type of relationship.
Many people assume that listening is simply hearing when someone talks. It is a passive task, leaving all the work to the other person. This belief is entirely wrong.
Active listening is when you listen in a participatory way.
It means you give your full attention to the other person and engage in their topic. You look them in the eyes and encourage them to open their heart. You make questions to demonstrate your genuine interest. Finally, if the other person is facing an issue, you can actively help by looking for a solution.
When your partner is struggling, one of the best things you can do is listen to them. Listen to the problem, how they feel about it, analyze solutions with them.
Active listening creates a deeper bond between a couple because it reinforces the idea that you are on the same team. It means you both want the same things and are willing to support each other in the process of achieving them.
Ultimately, active listening makes your partner feel like they are not alone.
Validate Their Feelings
We have no control over our feelings — whether they’re good or bad.
When people struggle with a problem, they are often overwhelmed with negative emotions: stress, anxiety, nervousness, and even sadness. Even when the feelings are irrational, there is not much we can do to get rid of them. They are simply a part of life.
In this scenario, the best thing to do is to validate your partner’s feelings.
Many people attempt to provide an escaping mechanism, such as gaming, watching a movie, or anything that keeps the partner’s mind out of the bad feelings.
However, identifying the negative feelings is the first step towards the solution. These feelings typically send us a message. Instead of avoiding them, try to understand what they mean. By doing this, you can reach the actual cause of the problem.
The best strategy is to accept that negative feelings are a natural part of life. You may as well use them to your — and your partner’s — advantage.
Respect Their Space
People deal with stress differently.
While some people need to discuss the issue extensively, others prefer to work on it alone. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to deal with problems in these scenarios.
But if you and your partner have different coping styles, it may become an issue.
Jonathan and I are a needy couple. We love to cuddle, kiss and hug. Since we have similar needs, we are a good match when it comes to our neediness. However, Jonathan feels uncomfortable sharing his problems and needs time alone to solve them. In these situations, he games much more than usual.
When this scenario happens, I respect his needs. Although it is challenging for me — I love spending time with him — I think it’s best to respect his space. When he feels better, we can spend more quality time together.
What matters most is to understand how your partner deals with stress and to respect it.
Sometimes, it means you’ll put their needs first. But the outcome in the long term is much better.
Ask How to Help
As much as you want to help your partner, it is not always a simple task. Help can come in various forms, depending on the situation and your partner’s preferences.
For instance, your partner may need help with work, an exercise buddy, help with the housework, or even monetary help.
Before you start acting, ask your partner what the best way to help is. Imagine this: your partner is stressed with work, and you genuinely want to help. You assume that exercising would help because it’s good to release the tension. However, your partner hates exercising. Instead, they’d prefer if you help more around the house.
In this example, both parties get frustrated. First, you don’t feel like they appreciate your help.
Second, they feel like you don’t listen to them. In the end, it causes more trouble for the relationship — even though the intentions were good.
By simply asking your partner how they want to be helped prevents all this trouble. It ensures that you are on the same page and working together towards the same issue.
It’s a simple communication change that can benefit both of you tremendously.
…
Since Jonathan started his new job, our dynamic as a couple changed completely. During this time, I realized that Jonathan and I grew a lot, but in different ways. While he grew professionally, I became a better partner. I learned how to become more selfless and develop a growth mindset — after all, his success benefits me.
But it’s not always easy to support your partner. I have learned the four strategies that worked for us: actively listening, understanding his feelings, respecting his space, and improving our communication. Although it’s challenging for us, these strategies make us a better couple.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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