Let’s be real. Most people aren’t honest to themself, let alone with their partners. We’re more comfortable confide our feelings with a barista we just met, or with a stranger in a youtube comment column, or by blogging.
The greatest lie we tell is to our significant other. We pretend like we’re okay and everything is fine, while the fact is we felt unloved because he is too busy with work. We didn’t dare to speak our hearts because we feel unsafe.
We shove everything under the rug because we want “peace” and “safety” in our marriage. By doing so, we’re unconsciously starting an internal war within our psyche.
Some people make jokes about their marriage, smiling in agony, and spilling the bitterness juice everywhere.
Some people get defensive and using sarcasm as a mental shield.
Some people stay silent and choose not to engage with the outer world.
Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like I love you so much that I’m gonna get the government involved so you can’t leave.
—Is it Jim Carrey? —
For me, marriage and divorce is a label and lessons, like a game. Getting married is the same as getting a university degree. It is an option we chose that comes with consequences. There is no wrong option.
Like a game, the more difficult it gets, the more reward we will get from it. Every level requires a different set of new skills. Each level we’ve completed, we’ll have a “new weapon” to conquer the next level.
Marriage is a man-made institution infused by religion and government standards. Marriage is created as a way to manage property including women and children. It is about ownership, possessiveness, and control.
— Shefali Tsabary —
I couldn’t be more agree with her. Marriage is also a big industry. My wedding 13 years ago cost around USD 180,000. It is silly to spend that much money for justifications and ego fulfillment that lasted for 4 hours.
All the grandeur attributes were obscuring what the real thing in marriage is.
And now, for the divorce, we have to pay the lawyer extra money to get it done. Why “love” cost us a lot of money and leave us feeling empty?
We’re crippled by many myths that use guilt, shame, and fear around marriage. Here are the five famous myths that can help you shift into a new way of thinking.
Myth 1: “Till Death Do Us Part”
The baby boomers, like my parents, were ingrained with this belief. My father is glorifying the 41 years of marriage with my mother as “success,” ditching the actual feelings: anger, hatred, repulsion, and hostility. He even “force” us to do the family picture together as proof for him that his marriage was a success.
This denialism creates great suffering for all my siblings until now. Both are firing a missile almost in every moment (pork buns and fit flops too). Many still hold on to the marriage their whole life, not realizing that the marriage was already ended 30 years ago. What an irony!
Teal Swan changes it into “Till expansion do us part.” When the two leading roles aren’t compatible with each other, and deep down, they are in intense suffering, then they are allowed to take a different path.
You are under no obligation to stay in an unhappy marriage until the day you die.
Listen to your soul, inner voice, and feelings. Be your own captain and the creator of your life. No bible, religion, ancient wisdom, or external authority can tell you what to do with your life. It would not be easy, but it will lead you closer to the best version of yourself. And, of course, a more joyful life.
Myth 2: As long as they didn’t hit or cheat, it’s a good marriage — keep it on!
The people who said those were unhappy, and they want company. Misery likes company.
It is toxic when you’re not heard, not seen, and invalidated. It doesn’t have to be physical abuse. When they abandoned your true feelings and emotions, it is emotional abuse. The saddest thing in a marriage is when you always feel invisible, lonely, and not worthy even if your partner sits beside you.
Marriage should be a longevity nest where you can be yourself and grow together with your partner. Deep listening, openness, and loving acceptance should be available for both.
If the marriage also doesn’t perform honesty and equanimity, then maybe it needs reconstruction and readjustment.
Photo by iStockphoto.com
Myth 3: Divorce is a Failure
Hell no, honey. It is the opposite. It is a victory, especially for a woman who stands up for herself against the world, trusting her own soft heart to move forward. Yes, she is trembling and afraid, but she has a knowing inside.
A warm and sparkling little lighthouse is guiding her. It is her conscience, her soul, and she believes in herself. It’s a breakthrough from the rigidity of an institution.
Whenever you saw someone is divorcing, please don’t say that you’re sorry. Instead say, “Congratulations! You’ve completed a life phase. Let’s celebrate it!”
Marriage and divorce are like the changing of nature. It’s the natural cycle of life. Divorce is the completion of a process — a metamorphosis of life. Our feelings and emotions are our compasses, not the echo of the external worlds. Divorce should be celebrated because it is the beginning of a new cycle.
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Myth 4: The Children will suffer because of the divorce
Children will suffer because of the unconsciousness and unresolved trauma from the parents. Not because of the divorce. Read that again.
Children suffer more even if the parents didn’t divorce because how can the parents love the children when they didn’t get to love themself and miserable in the marriage. It is impossible and delusional.
By being in a toxic marriage, we’ll teach our children that love is painful and marriage means sacrificing and abandoning our true self. Children absorb everything from the parent’s initial state.
On the contrary, the divorce can save the children from further getting traumatized by both parents. Everything is energy; the children can felt everything that the parents are going through. So, please don’t hide the truth from the children. Talk to them, be open to them because honesty will always work best in the end.
Myth 5: Self Sacrificing will make the marriage works.
When you are compatible with your partner, there will be no “sacrificing.”
Sacrificing meaning that we have to prioritize our partner first over ourselves. Both are still separated and thus trying hard to pleased the other, which will lead to disconnection.
We’re wired to think that relationship is hard work and sacrificing is a highly valued virtue in society. Sacrificing also means that we’re abandoning our needs to get validations from others.
To love someone means to take their best interest as our own. When you truly love them, you will include your partner’s best interest as yours without even thinking about sacrificing.
It will feel like dancing. Our needs will be merging harmoniously because we are united. I am you, and you are me. Your needs are my needs too. I would love to do the things that pleased you because it brings so much happiness for me.
Wrapping Up
In a healthy marriage, all the terms and conditions should be discussed together, accommodating both best interests. If only one person is in charge and dominating everything, it’s human slavery and not a marriage.
I prefer spiritual partnership rather than marriage because it’s liberating. Anyway, it is just a label. It doesn’t matter what do you want to call it.
I hope these myths can help you navigate your marriage. One thing to be considered, please don’t keep the marriage just for the sake of the children. It’s a big NO because it’s like presenting our children a life-time drama full of unhappiness and fake love that will contribute to our children’s trauma and the next generation to come.
You have the choice to end the chain of generational trauma by bringing a light of awareness. And it starts with your intimate relationship.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: iStockphoto.com