I’m Ashley, and I have an anxious attachment style. Let me tell you what that can look like.
If you get upset with me, I’ll cry. If you compare me to someone else in any way, I’ll fear insecure and believe you don’t like me. I’ll ask you if you love me until you might not want to love me anymore. I mostly avoid conflicts at all costs. I hate feeling needy, but I often can’t help but act in ways that make me feel like I am.
Experiencing anxious attachment isn’t a fun experience for me, and it’s not a fun experience for my loved ones, either. I’ve had to learn to take a breath and reanalyze the situation to tell if someone is actually mad at me.
Anxious attachment is one of four attachment styles; the others are secure, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant, or disorganized. These describe the ways we relate to others, and it affects how our relationships go.
These styles usually originate in childhood, based on our experiences with our parents or caregivers, and they stick with us throughout life.
Knowing and respecting your partner’s attachment style is a great way to ensure they feel content and loved.
However, since these styles can be tricky, knowing why your partner is acting a certain way or how you should respond can be difficult to know, especially without further knowledge.
If your partner has an anxious attachment style like me, here’s what I want you to know, and how you can best support them.
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1. Your partner may often ask if you love them, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you haven’t done a good job showing it.
The Reason
Personally, I can say I’ve asked people if they love me even when I know (logically) that they do. This is mostly because I’m scared they’re upset with me or dislike me. I either want to gauge how they’re feeling, or I need a reminder of their love because I’m worried it could be diminishing.
So yes, I know in my head that people love me, especially when they show it. When I ask if they love me, I’m not doing so because they’re bad at expressing it by any means. I just need a little extra loving, and I appreciate when people understand and give me that.
What You Can Do
- Remind your partner you love them with authenticity and enthusiasm, especially by communicating through their love language.
- Respond positively when they ask you if you love them. Give reasons why, show excitement, and try to not get annoyed with them.
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2. Talking about your ex may be especially uncomfortable for your partner.
The Reason
Talking about an ex with a current partner is generally uncomfortable for most people, but it can be especially tough for people with an anxious attachment. Talking about an ex can raise a variety of concerns, like a sense of comparison or questions about if you want them back. What can start off as or feel like a nonchalant mention of your ex to you can turn into anxiety-ridden thoughts in your partner. They may fear you want to leave them, are missing your ex, or liked your ex better.
What You Can Do
- If you need to talk about your ex for a reason that doesn’t help your partner or your relationship, consider talking to someone else about it.
- Focus relationship conversations on your partner and your current relationship. Avoid comparing your partner to your ex.
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3. Trauma may be behind your partner’s needs.
The Reason
Some causes of an anxious attachment style include an emotionally neglectful parent or inconsistent behavior from close loved ones. When kids especially grow up in that environment, they may never feel fully stable or secure within a relationship. They may fear not being able to expect when you’ll respond positively or negatively, and they may be quick to believe you’ll leave or hate them. These serious emotions and experiences can cause long-lasting turmoil.
What You Can Do
- Let your partner know you’re there for them if they need to talk about their experiences. If they’d like to talk, listen nonjudgmentally and respond supportively.
- Research more into how trauma can lead to an attachment style and keep that in mind when you feel frustrated or confused by their behavior.
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4. Respond positively to your partner’s attempts to communicate.
The Reason
Speaking up about a concern may be a big deal for your partner, as they may worry you’ll get mad or break up with them. They may hate asking you to do something or saying they need attention out of fear they’ll come across as “needy;” however, they also have to handle their emotions and communicate effectively so your relationship can improve. Hearing them speak up is a positive behavior you want to encourage, so try to respond in a caring and considerate way.
What You Can Do
- When they start a conversation, be open to joining it actively and supportively. Respect their concerns and realize the intent of your words or actions may not match the impact they experienced.
- Work together to figure out solutions to challenges you two may experience as individuals or collectively.
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5. Ultimately, patience, gentleness, and compassion are crucial.
The Reason
As you can probably tell at this point, people with an anxious attachment style are experiencing many tough emotions and thoughts. They don’t want to feel those ways, and they don’t want to upset or need too much from you, but they also understandably have needs and want to feel better. In their moments of struggle, responding with patience, gentleness, and compassion is crucial. Show your love, be kind, and support them with this hard challenge.
What You Can Do
- Try to avoid snapping at your partner, guilt-tripping them, or showing irritation.
- Shower them with affection. Listen to their needs and be proactive.
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Takeaways
Keep in mind that your partner’s responses and reactions likely have more to do with their childhood and past experiences than they have to do with you. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t have an active role in the relationship and their well-being.
If your partner has an anxious attachment style, I encourage you to be understanding of what they’re going through, knowing they probably appreciate you more than you realize. Give them love, assure them, and be there for them.Support them, encourage them, and listen to them. Their love is worth it.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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