Do you spend the majority of your time thinking about your partner and your relationship?
Do you feel like your goals and dreams have disappeared since you started dating your partner? Or maybe, you feel like you’ve lost your identity and aren’t even sure who you are anymore?
If these situations sound familiar, it’s likely you’re losing yourself in your relationship — which is very common.
You see, relationships are great things that can fill our lives with happiness and fun but, if we’re not careful, they can also consume us and make us lose our sense of self.
When you’re in love, it’s hard to know if you’re slowly losing yourself in your relationship. What follows are some signs that can help you identify whether you’re letting your relationship consume you and what you can do about it.
Let’s dive right in.
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#1. Your Hobbies and Interests Are Slowly Disappearing
Have you set your interests aside since you started your relationship? Have you lost your motivation to pursue your goals and continue your hobbies? Have you put your passions on the back burner?
We all have hobbies, interests, goals, and plans for our lives — some more than others. At the beginning of a relationship, when things are fresh and intense, it’s natural to put your hobbies or interests aside for a bit in order to spend more time with your partner.
However, if you notice a loss of interest in your hobbies, interests, and plans for an extended period of time, that could be a red flag that you’re starting to lose yourself in your relationship.
It usually happens slowly and without you realizing you’re spending every second of your free time with your partner. Before you know it, it’s been months since the last time you went to the gym, sat down to read a book, or went for a coffee with one of your best friends.
What to do about it: Try to remember how things were like for you before your relationship began. How much time did you use to spend on your interests and hobbies back then? How did they make you feel?
Then, start setting aside some time every week to do something you love — even for a short amount of time. Revive your old goals and plans. Start sharing them with your partner and see how they react to them. Remember that a relationship should be a support system, not an obstacle standing in the way of your dreams.
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#2. Your Relationships With Other People Have Faded Away
Another sign you’re losing yourself in your relationship is when you start noticing that all your other relationships with either friends or family have faded away.
For example, ask yourself whether:
- It’s been months since you spend quality time with your friends or your family.
- You’ve been canceling plans with people a lot lately.
- You feel like you no longer have time for forming new friendships or cultivating old ones.
Often, we get so wrapped up in our relationships and become so dependent on our partners that we forget about everything else — including people that were there for us before our relationship began.
A healthy relationship, however, should let us cultivate and sustain relationships with other people as well. Otherwise, we might unwillingly open a toxic cycle of codependency that will eventually hurt our self-esteem and take a toll on our emotional health.
What to do about it: I know that’s the last thing you want to think about right now, but you should keep in mind that relationships end. How would you feel if your partner left you and you woke up one day and realized you have pushed all your friends and family away?
Even if your significant other proves to be your lifetime partner or the person you’ll end up creating a family with, you’ll still need other people in your life to support you when your partner can’t be there for you. So, you should make an effort to revive your old friendships and reconnect with your family members.
Apologize for disappearing for so long, and stick to a plan to seeing them once a week or at least giving them a phone call. Hanging out with people you’ve known for years will help you reconnect with your true identity as well, and feel more independent and autonomous.
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#3. Your Partner’s Needs Always Take Priority Over Your Own
Do you catch yourself constantly making adjustments to your calendar and changing your plans for the sake of being with your partner? Do their needs somehow always take priority over your own?
If you answered yes, it’s likely you’re losing your sense of self and independence in your relationship, by putting your partner’s needs first. You might be doing it because they are asking you to, or because you’re so caught up in making them happy that you unwillingly forget you have your own needs to fulfill.
Although it’s important to always take your partner’s needs into consideration, when you get to the point of constantly neglecting your own needs and wants, it means you’re on a dangerous path of losing yourself.
What to do about it: If you don’t start to value, prioritize, and look after yourself, trust me, no one else will. Indulging in self-care will make you happier, boost your confidence, and put less pressure on your relationship.
You don’t even need to spend a lot of time looking after yourself — it’s the little things that make a difference. Spend your evening watching a movie with a glass of wine. Wake up earlier a couple of times a week to go for a run or grab a coffee and go for a walk. Start working out more. Commit to eating healthier. Whatever makes you happy — make sure you spend a couple of hours a week doing it.
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#4. Your Partner’s Beliefs Have Merged With Your Own
A red flag that can indicate you’ve lost your sense of self in your relationship is when you’ve given up all of your beliefs for the sake of adopting your partner’s.
By that, I don’t mean giving up a belief because your partner made you recognize it’s toxic or that it doesn’t suit your personality. It’s good to be able to listen to another person’s perspective and acknowledge that what we believe in isn’t always the right thing.
However, if you have a hard time understanding where your partner’s beliefs end and where your own begin, it means you’re in an unhealthy relationship pattern where you’re merging your personality with that of your partner’s — and consequently losing your identity.
What to do about it: For starters, if your partner tries to impose their beliefs on you, it might be time to have a serious conversation with them about it and rethink your role in your relationship as well as whether your partner truly makes you happy.
On the other hand, if you realize that you’re adopting your partner’s beliefs because you believe it will make them like you more, you might want to rethink that. Having different opinions and perspectives from your partner can actually make your relationship more interesting and refreshing (no one wants to be in a relationship with themselves)!
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#5. You’re Missing Great Opportunities
Sometimes, we might find ourselves turning down offers and missing great opportunities for the sake of remaining closer to our partners.
Of course, turning down, let’s say, a job that would require moving to the other side of the world and being away from your partner for years is understandable.
But continually saying “no” to exciting opportunities that could make a significant change in your life because your partner can’t be there with you is problematic — and can lead to a lot of frustration, resentment, as well loss of your sense of self.
What to do about it: Write down a list of things, goals, and activities that are important to you. Then, ask yourself if your relationship is the reason you’re missing out on them and why. Does your partner pressure you to give up exciting opportunities? Are you doing it for the sake of remaining closer to your partner?
If your partner is to blame, let them know how much every opportunity means to you, and that it is important they support you.
Try to make them understand that going after various opportunities won’t put distance between you two, but rather benefit your relationship since you’ll both feel more fulfilled by following your dreams.
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What Comes Next?
If you realized that you’re losing or have already lost yourself in your relationship, your following course of action depends on whether your partner is responsible or it’s a situation you’ve unwillingly put yourself into.
If your partner is the one whose insecurities have been encouraging you to give up on everything you love and lose yourself in the process, you should:
- Take a step back and reevaluate your relationship as well as your partner’s genuine feelings and intentions about you.
- Make your partner realize that their behavior is unhealthy and significantly damages your self-esteem and your relationship as a whole.
- Encourage and help your partner to work on their insecurities and change their behavior.
- Seriously consider ending your relationship if your partner is unwilling to work on themselves and change.
On the other hand, if you lost yourself because you were too caught up in your relationship and your #1 priority was to be with your partner and make them happy, you should:
- Reconnect with yourself and your identity by spending more time doing things you did before your relationship began.
- Try new things that can bring you more clarity about what makes you happy.
- Share your feelings with your partner, set some boundaries, and ask them to give you some time/space and support you in the process of finding yourself again.
- Remember that you’re the most important person in your life and, therefore, self-care should be your #1 priority. Wanting to take care of your partner is great, but learning to take care of yourself again will equally benefit your relationship.
- NOT worry too much, as losing ourselves in a relationship is something we all experience at some point or another. It’s nothing to feel ashamed of and it’s totally reversible.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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