According to a survey, signs of cheating do exist, and one out of four married and/or dating adults admitted to cheating.
It’s easy to start overanalyzing your relationship when you feel like something is off, and while overanalyzing can be harmful, especially when you’re sitting and mulling over your thoughts instead of actively communicating to your partner to identify what’s wrong, sometimes your gut really is trying to tell you something.
A few years ago, I felt like I was dating someone who I thought I knew — until one day, after a huge fight, I sat down with myself and started questioning everything.
To cut a long story short, my partner was cheating at the time, and there were a few things that made me come to this realization.
The following indicators are things I have personally experienced and seen firsthand; while they can mean something negative, they can also have alternate explanations. However, if your gut is really trying to tell you something, they could be useful.
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They regularly accuse you of cheating.
Infidelity Coach Caroline Madden says when your partner regularly accuses you of cheating, it goes beyond classic projection.
First off, it puts you on defense, so you don’t have a chance to consider any other options, and it makes them look so anti-cheating it makes you think they couldn’t possibly do it to you.
Secondly, it could also be a genuine reaction to them realizing that since they got away with cheating, you probably could too if you wanted.
One afternoon after hanging out with friends, I met up with my ex for coffee, I was in the bathroom for less than five minutes, but I returned to accusations of spending time with another guy because he went through the texts on my laptop.
The texts were from a male-friend I often went to lunch with when I was in school, it was purely platonic, but he refused to believe that.
I’ve never been the type to get defensive, if you don’t believe what I’m saying, you must not know who I really am, or you’re trying to cover something up. This situation started giving me weird vibes instantly, and the fact that he looked through my laptop was a huge invasion of privacy.
I never gave him a reason to doubt my character, whereas he’d given me plenty.
If your partner is accusing you of cheating, you have to ask yourself why. Are you giving them reasons? Are they insecure? Or are they projecting?
This is probably one of the biggest signs of cheating because if the two of you respect one another and have established trust, why would they doubt you?
They’re suddenly criticizing everything you do.
“Cheaters will try to justify their actions by making their relationship out to be so bad that they had no choice.” — Caroline Madden.
It’s going to feel like all of a sudden, you can’t and don’t do anything right.
This usually happens because the cheating partner feels like whoever they’re cheating on you with is significantly better, and they make them happier, so of course, they’re going to pick and poke at you for everything and anything.
In an article written for Bustle, Mari Moss, founder of BOSS Inc, says,
“When someone is having an affair, they may begin to look for reasons to justify their actions, which is why cheaters tend to hold their partner’s every move under a magnifying glass. They want to be made so that they can feel less guilty. But they also may be rude because it’s stressful to live a secretive life.”
My best friend confided in me one night when she thought her partner was cheating on her; why do you feel this way? I asked.
After a lengthy conversation with multiple tears and several reasons, one in particular that stuck out to me was when she said,
I never feel good enough for him anymore. He used to love all these little things about me, my “quirks,” now it’s like he can’t get away from me soon enough. I can’t even tell you the last time we had sex.
A month later, her partner broke up with her and moved in with his new girlfriend, his co-worker who he’d been sleeping with for months.
Your relationship issues seem to disappear.
I was watching the new season of Dirty John: The Betty Broderick Story, and I found it odd that once Betty’s husband started having an affair with his secretary, all of a sudden, his relationship with his wife seemed to blossom.
They were having regular sex, going on trips together, buying a new family home, and all of Betty’s suspicions were placed on the back burner because he made her feel like everything was good between the two of them.
However, according to Caroline Madden, sometimes the reason things feel like they’re getting better is because someones needs that weren’t met in the relationship are being met elsewhere.
I had a lot of issues with my ex, but there was a point in our relationship where it felt like all our issues evaporated.
He wasn’t nagging me to spend time with his friends; there were no more how come you never do this or that, and it was because he found someone else to do those things for him.
They’re confiding in you less.
They used to talk to you about anything and everything. You knew their darkest secrets and deepest desires. You were their confidante, and they were yours.
However, now it seems like they’re less inclined to talk to you. They don’t even vent to you after work like they used to.
My ex once logged into his Facebook on my phone; a day later, I received a message from his ex (she obviously didn’t know he was logged in on my phone), I scrolled through their conversation, yes I know, invasion of privacy but the message was cryptic.
She asked how he was doing with everything going on. What was everything? I wondered.
He was talking to her for weeks, confiding in her about private matters between him and me, as well as his personal life. There were even apologetic messages from him for “choosing me over her.”
Emotional cheating is just as harmful as physical because it can often lead to the latter.
They didn’t sleep together throughout those few weeks, but those intimate conversations were behind my back, and they led to lies and deceit. What started off as a casual conversation turned into intimacy, coffee dates, and the two of them dating after I called it off.
There’s a huge difference between your partner having friends and talking to them and your partner confiding in others. Some people are comfortable with that type of relationship; I wasn’t and still wouldn’t appreciate my partner doing that, which leads to the fact that it’s something you should establish at the beginning of your relationship.
And if you feel like they’re growing distant, maybe there’s something else going on.
They get angry when you try to confront them.
People who are in the wrong and know they’re in the wrong but refuse to accept it will often get defensive.
“It’s very common for cheaters to deflect responsibility and get irritated by your questions. They will try and shut you down and even criticize you for being too controlling or suspicious.” — Rhonda Milrad, founder and chief relationship advisor of Relationup.
If your partner isn’t cheating, there will be a valid explanation for their behavior, and they’ll do whatever it takes to make you feel confident and secure in your relationship.
If they are doing something wrong, they’ll take your little suspicions and blow them out of proportion.
They’ll call you silly, or controlling, maybe even crazy. It’s important to stand your ground and trust your gut. At the end of the day, you’re feeling this type of way for a reason.
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Being cheated on is heartbreaking, it’s hard to accept that the person you’ve placed your trust into is deceiving you.
This is why it’s important to trust yourself, if you feel like something is wrong, communicate with your partner, don’t sweep it under the rug and live with the suspicions.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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