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Hey Doc,
A lot of discussions and articles about creepiness often say many things on what not to do. It starts to feel like “Here are 30,00 ways to not approach or flirt with women, don’t do any of them and you have a chance at not being evil”. And it also gets worse when there are also many things that just MIGHT be creepy, and that’s even worse when you’re not good at reading body language, and it makes any social anxiety or self-doubting you may have got even worse.
So what are some examples of ways to approach and flirt with women that are definitely not creepy?
Creep-Anxious Dude
Before we get to your specifics, CAD, I want to talk a little about creepers and the people who obsess about them.
It really shouldn’t be much of a surprise that this question is something that comes up a lot around here. And, to be quite honest, almost every time it comes up, there’re a few dozen people who want to argue about just what makes someone creepy. More often than not, they’re coming from a place of “it’s not fair that I get called creepy but this other person doesn’t.” This inevitably leads to the usual arguments about whether women are creep-shaming dudes, whether being creepy is just about being unattractive and general lamenting that men just “aren’t allowed to approach women anymore“.
The problem is that almost all of these focus on the wrong things. A lot of the complaints about the supposed stresses of avoiding being an accidental creeper tend to come from people who are complaining about how concerns about being creepy makes it harder for them to approach women. And while I am sympathetic, the reason for understanding what makes somebody creepy isn’t about “your not being evil”, it’s about understanding that men and women have radically different experiences when it comes to dating and meeting people. Men worry about harsh rejections. Women worry about getting raped or murdered.
Guys who display creepy behavior tend to be exhibiting behavior that sets off people’s Spidey-senses. The guy who stands too close, who ignores the signs that someone isn’t interested or doesn’t want to take “I have to go” for an answer all suggest that they may see boundaries and consent as things that happen to other people. Someone who makes sexual or inappropriate comments may not understand the social rules or may be testing to see what they can get away with. Even asking seemingly innocent “getting to know you” questions can, in the wrong context, seem like they’re gathering information.
Now, in fairness, there could be perfectly innocent and understandable reasons behind all of those examples, ranging from some basic social awkwardness to misreading the scene to just not getting why what’s normal for a guy may be threatening for a woman. But they might not be innocent or harmless. That ambiguity puts women into an incredibly awkward position: do they risk being rude? Or do they risk being dead?
This is why the primary key to not being a creeper is basic empathy. The problem is that for a lot of folks, this is just one burden too heavy to bear. It gets in the way of “BUT WE WANTS IT, PRECIOUS.” It creates more scenarios where they may not get what they want… even though practicing some empathy might improve their chances.
But it’s not that all guys who complain or obsess about creepers and creepiness are guys who don’t care about anything other than getting their piece of a**. There are also folks who are a little too empathetic. They’re the ones who have so much anxiety about it that they end up with a form of hypervigilance. Their anxiety makes them get too deep into their own heads. They overthink everything because they’ve convinced themselves that setting one toe wrong is going to end up with screams and a visit from the slap fairy.
And not even a big toe. Just a little one. A pinkie toe.
Which brings us back to your question, CAD. I can’t give you the answer you’re looking for because you’re coming at this from the wrong place. You’re not asking me about how to not be creepy so much as you’re asking me to relieve your anxieties about it. It’s in the way you describe the situation – from the 30,000 ways to be creepy and the things that might be creepy. You’re in that place where you’re going to overthink everything you do and read too much into everything. I mean, anything can be creepy if you approach it from the right angle. You just have to watch the fan edits that turn kid’s classics like Mary Poppins into a horror movie.
What you need to do, more than anything else, is take a deep breath and relax. Don’t look at this as your being on trial or women are looking for the tiniest thing to call you a creeper and kick you to the curb. Trust me: women are on your side. They want guys the guys they meet to be cool and worth talking to. The women who are looking for a potential boyfriend are hoping that you’re going to be the right one for them.
Taking a moment to look at things from someone else’s perspective – and accepting the validity of their fears and experiences – is really all it takes to avoid 99% of what makes someone creepy when you’re approaching them. This doesn’t mean that you have to be super-woke or so safe that you’re as exciting as white bread and mayo. It just means that you need to put a little thought into things. And even if you do make a mistake, you can pull things back. If you realize you’re pinging her creep radar, then stop. Apologize, take a step back (literally, if necessary) and show through your actions that it was a simple mistake.
Beyond that: learn your flirting style and finding the women you’re most compatible with. The more you are on the same page on the major issues, the easier and more effortless the flirting will be.
You got this, CAD.
Good luck.
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Previously published here and reprinted with permission from the author.
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