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Hi Doctor!
I am in my late twenties, and am in a long-term relationship with my first serious boyfriend, “D”. I grew up in a very conservative religious environment, so I was delayed when it came to dating/sex and have experienced a lot of sexual shame. While I had a few very short-lived and not very enjoyable sexual encounters before meeting D, he was the one who “took my virginity” (I hate that phrase but it’s most accurate I guess); I love him and I find our relationship very fulfilling.
I think it’s because of the unconditional love and support that he’s offered me that I was finally able to explore my sexuality, think critically about it, and finally accept that I am a bisexual woman. Unfortunately, being in a monogamous m/f relationship essentially makes this realization moot. When I told D that I am bisexual he was very supportive and said that if I needed to go out and kiss a woman to explore that side of my sexuality, he was okay with it, and I immediately rejected the offer, not wanting to jeopardize the relationship.
The issue is, now I wish I had taken him up on his offer; I love him so much and if I had to choose between exploring my sexuality with women and keeping him, I’d pick him. I’ve thought about bringing up the possibility of my having a short, casual fling or having a threesome with a woman so he can be involved, but I am really afraid that if he isn’t comfortable with it, he’ll feel guilty for taking that away from me (I’m not at all afraid of him being angry with me, but I’m afraid he might feel hurt/inadequate). I jokingly brought up the idea of having a threesome about six months ago, and while he wasn’t hostile towards the idea he didn’t seem interested, so I dropped it.
I am also concerned that maybe my desire to branch out is in part due to our sex life; the sex is frequent and intimate, but not terribly adventurous, though I do try to spice it up every once in a while. Maybe I should focus more on amping up our sex life as-is before trying to explore sex outside of the relationship? Or maybe I should be honest with D about how I’m feeling anyway?
Looking For Options
You’re presenting yourself with a false dichotomy here, LfO. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t – or couldn’t – pursue both options at the same time. In fact, it would probably be better for the two of you and your relationship if you did.
Opening up a relationship requires trust and communication. Going from a monogamous relationship to an open one has the potential to set off anxiety weasels in everybody’s brains. It’s understandable that someone might worry that this meant that they weren’t enough, that the sex wasn’t good enough or that this was just a delaying action before ending the relationship. Maintaining and working on the sexual connection in the relationship can be a huge part of keeping that relationship alive and healthy… as well as making everyone happier overall. And even if you weren’t thinking about opening things up, spicing up your sex-life together is an important part of a long-term relationship’s success. After all, sexual satisfaction is an important part of relationship maintenance. Getting in the habit of keeping things hot in the bedroom is how you and your partner tap into your inner Gomez and Morticia.
But you should also talk with your boyfriend about how you’re feeling, LfO. Even if you ultimately decide not to pursue something with a woman – either for now, or for the duration of your relationship with D – the other key to a relationship’s success is the ability to be open and honest with one another. Your sexuality is an important part of who you are, and that’s something that you should feel like you can discuss with your partner, without fear of judgement or recrimination. And just talking with him – how it’s part of who you are, what it means to you and your identity, etc. – can be an important way of reassuring him that no, he’s not inadequate or lacking.
It sounds to me like D was being sincere when he was being supportive and offering to let you off the leash. He sounds like a good guy who loves and trusts you, and that’s vital. And while it’s understandable to worry that he was just saying what he felt like he had to… sometimes you have to be willing to take “yes” for an answer and believe your snugglebunny when he tells you that he’s ok with things. I think you can feel safe to talk with him about what exactly it is that you want and need.
Now that having been said, open relationships and consensual non-monogamy are Dating 301. It can be tricky territory to navigate, especially when the two of you are new and inexperienced. You both want to make sure that you’re on the same page, that you both understand exactly what the other wants and needs and that you have the right vocabulary to express yourselves. This is why I would suggest that the two of you do your research, even if you don’t decide to open things up a smidge. I highly recommend checking out Building Open Relationships, More Than Two: An Ethical Guide to Polyamory and Opening Up: A Guide To Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. These are some of the best guides out there for making your way through the world of ethical non-monogamy and they can be a huge help to even just have the conversation. Just going through the books may be the best way to have the “I want to open things up” conversation, especially if you’re nervous at first. Treat it like a book-club; read one and compare notes and share your thoughts on what the authors had to say about the subject.
What I don’t suggest you do is use a threesome or something similar as your intro to bisexuality. That… is a bad idea in general and one that’s more likely to drop a drama bomb in your lap than it is to actually help. There’s nothing quite as alienating as having a threesome under false pretenses. When someone realizes that the real reason why their partner suggested it was so they could bang someone else – or worse, gets excluded entirely at one point – then you can pretty much see the moment their soul got kicked in the junk. Alternately, there’s the potential to feel like your sexuality is being used as a tool or a show for someone else’s pleasure? Well, that’s more soul-junk kicking.
And that’s before taking the feelings of the special guest star into account.
If the two of you decide you want to have a threesome because you want sexy adventure-times together, then hey, blessings on you both. But as a means of exploring your sexuality? That’s a bad idea.
But at the end of the day, the answer to all of this is what I tell people all the time: communicate, communicate, communicate. The more you can talk – about your sexuality and your sex life – with your lovebun, the happier you two will be over all.
Good luck.
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This article originally appeared on Doctor Nerd Love
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