Back when we were all kids, one of the most common fables talked about was the tale of the ugly duckling. For those not in the know, the Ugly Duckling is a story that is best summed up as follows:
- Duckling is found by a group of ducks. As the name suggests, the duckling doesn’t look like the other ducks. It’s ugly and weird-looking.
- Other ducks made fun of the ugly duckling. I mean, yeah, kids are cruel.
- Duckling turns out to be a swan among ducks. From here, it’s either said that the new swan finds other swans, or that the ducks accept him as one of their own.
Yep. It’s a fable that’s fairly old and popular among parents who have a kid that feels down on their looks. We’ve all heard it because it’s a reminder to be patient and grow into yourself.
And in many cases, there is a grain of truth to the story. Many socially awkward or awkward-looking kids turn into total smokeshows as adults.
Unfortunately, there is something wrong with the Tale of the Ugly Duckling…
Though there is some truth in the fable for people, there’s a snag no one discusses. Ducklings are not human, and the story never really talks about the long-term aftereffects of being told you’re ugly or unwanted for years on end.
If you think you can live normally for years while people around you tear you down and make fun of your looks, good luck. Studies show that repeated rejection and bullying have long-term consequences on their targets.
That’s why we need to talk about Ugly Duckling Syndrome and bring awareness to it. More importantly, we have to talk about what happens when it goes unchecked.
What is Ugly Duckling Syndrome?
Ugly Duckling Syndrome refers to a series of issues people get when they grew up being told they were ugly, but then become attractive. Suddenly getting sexy can be pretty difficult to deal with on an emotional level.
In many cases, it comes with a wide range of symptoms that trace their roots back to the way they were treated when they were unattractive. Some of the most common ways Ugly Duckling Syndrome manifests itself include:
- Being unable to believe you’re good-looking is a hallmark sign. A lot of former ugly ducklings have issues with self-worth and self-image. It’s not uncommon for people with Ugly Duckling Syndrome to be totally unable to take a compliment, unable to stop obsessing over looks, or to react with suspicion when someone calls them hot.
- You may develop body dysmorphia or an eating disorder. This is unusually common with people who have a major “glow up,” and it’s often caused by people who wore down their self-esteem as it started.
- Finding oneself in abusive relationships or tolerating cheating is common. This goes back to the whole “low self-esteem” issue. You’re willing to tolerate more because you don’t believe that you can get more. Ugly Ducklings are especially prone to being affected by negging — a method of priming people for abuse.
- In some cases, the ugly duckling may actually become the abuser. Many people (particularly men) may feel resentful when people treat them differently after they start getting hotter. This often leads them to putting others down and treating them poorly as “payback” for what they experienced before.
- Some with Ugly Duckling Syndrome may have a kinder heart towards people who aren’t traditionally attractive. In many situations, Ugly Duckling Syndrome may make people become more sympathetic to those who still don’t fit the mold. However, if people who aren’t conventionally attractive lash out at Ugly Ducklings, they may do a 180 and avoid anyone without a modelesque look.
- Others may end up “overdosing” on sex and dates. When you suddenly become attractive to everyone, there’s a tendency to want to go crazy with your options. You might find yourself unable to say no to sex or cheating when you thought you’d never do it. That’s because getting validation you never got before can be quite addictive. Sex addiction is common among Ugly Ducklings.
- Imposter Syndrome also tends to be a thing. You might question whether you really belong among hot people. This can make you feel undeserving of love and acceptance, to the point that you question yourself or push others away.
All of these point to a unique group of issues that can manifest post-makeover.
Ugly Duckling Syndrome basically occurs when someone with cripplingly low self-esteem due to rejection-based trauma becomes physically attractive. It’s like PTSD mixed with looksism.
While their looks may have improved, the truth is that they may be resentful, paranoid, or still uncertain about others due to the way they were treated before. They may be stuck on a different type of “fight, flight, freeze or faun” mode around people.
It’s mostly insecurity, too. Everyone gets insecure once in a while. The problem is, this type of long-term insecurity fucks up your life. It manifests in a lot of different ways. And let’s face it, drastic physical changes can feed into that insecurity pretty badly.
People tend to tear good-looking people apart, especially if they’re female. So, you go from being ignored or made fun of by others for being ugly to being paid attention to yet bullied for looking hot. It often compounds the trauma they got from being a reject.
Heck, it wouldn’t be a stretch to say that Ugly Duckling Syndrome has a lot in common with PTSD. Both are reactions to trauma that can seriously impact your world view. Both tend to make you acutely aware of things others may not notice or even think about.
How shallow people are becomes a very visible part of your day to day life. A lot of people who experience a major looks change become bitter as a result of seeing how differently they’re treated — and yet, how often they still get hurt due to their looks.
Having Ugly Duckling Syndrome is particularly rough when you’re just taking it all in.
I’ll be honest. When you go from “not” to “hot” in a matter of months or years, it’s very hard to cope with a lot of stuff — especially when it comes to how people’s treatment of you changes.
You start craving all the validation you’re missing out on. You get angry at times, saying stuff like, “So now that I’m hot, you suddenly want to date me?” You may feel resentful, or you may not be able to figure out what peoples’ intentions are.
At the crux of the matter, you just want to be wanted for you. And it might feel like they only like you for your body…which at times, may actually be sadly true.
If someone went through a “glow up,” be careful when dating them.
A person who has Ugly Duckling Syndrome rarely has what it takes to be a good partner. Because they often resent others for being attracted to them now rather than before they looked good, they tend to be extremely guarded or even disdainful of the people they date.
Even when someone with Ugly Duckling Syndrome doesn’t have that resentment, they still may end up being a bad match. Why? Because a lot of people who used to be unattractive have a very hard time turning down peoples’ advances.
When you’re single, having a hard time saying no to a fling doesn’t have to be a bad thing. When you’re taken or regularly “talking to” someone, this same trait often means you’re a cheater or a sex addict. The only time this isn’t true is if you’re in an ENM relationship, and let’s face it, those are rare.
Does every person who underwent a major looks upgrade get Ugly Duckling Syndrome?
Fuck no, and moreover, it’s not always a permanent issue. You can snap out of it as long as you’re aware of it and work on it. The truth is that looks will always matter, and that it’s what hooks people to you at first.
Looks matter because it’s a primal issue that shows you appear to be a healthy mate. Can you be resentful of that fact? Sure, but it won’t serve you well. Crude as it is to say, dating is a lot like a meat market. It’s best to be thankful when people want to buy your cut.
However, it’s important to realize that being good-looking is not the be-all, end-all of attraction. Having a great personality is what really makes or breaks your time on this planet — not to mention your time with other people.
Yes, good looks can get your foot in the door. But, everyone’s looks will fade and a bad personality can’t be hidden by good looks. At times, a person’s behavior is what makes them as appealing as a rockstar…and that type of attraction is way more permanent than a makeover.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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