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The terminology to terminate a marriage lends itself to satire, as exemplified by these words written 100 years ago.
The following excerpts from The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce, contain definitions pertaining to love and war; that is to say, matrimony and acrimony.
Altar, n. The place whereon the priest formerly raveled out the small intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divination and cooked its flesh for the gods. The word now seldom used, except with reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by a male and female fool.
Appeal, v.t. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.
Accuser, n. One’s former friend; particularly the person for whom one has performed some friendly service
Beauty, n. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
Belladonna, n. In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.
Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
Brute, n. See Husband.
Childhood, n. The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth – two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age.
Female, n. One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.
Fidelity, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
Hag, n. An elderly lady whom you do not happen to like; sometimes called, also, a hen, or cat.
Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
Harangue, n. A speech by an opponent, who is known as an harrangue-outang.
Helpmate, n. A wife, or bitter half.
Hers, pron. His.
Husband, n. One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the plate.
Impartial, adj. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions.
Intimacy, n. A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction.
Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.
Justice, n. A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition the state sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes, and personal service.
Kiss, n. A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for “bliss.” It is supposed to signify, in a general way, some kind of rite or ceremony appertaining to a good understanding; but the manner of its performance is unknown to this lexicographer.
Lawful, adj. Compatible with the will of a judge having jurisdiction.
Lawyer, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.
Liar, n. A lawyer with a roving commission.
Liberty, n. One of Imagination’s most precious possessions.
Litigant, n. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.
Litigation, n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.
Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder.
Maiden, n. A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and views that madden to crime.
Male, n. A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the human race is commonly known (to the female) as Mere Man. The genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.
Man, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be.
Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.
Mine, adj. Belonging to me if I can hold or seize it.
Mouth, n. In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of the heart.
Oath, n. In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon the conscience by a penalty for perjury.
Once, adv. Enough.
Oppose, v. To assist with obstructions and objections.
Pitiful, adj. The state of an enemy or opponent after an imaginary encounter with oneself.
Reconciliation, n. A suspension of hostilities. An armed truce for the purpose of digging up the dead.
Romance, n. Fiction that owes no allegiance to the God of Things as They Are.
Trial, n. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors. In order to effect this purpose it is necessary to supply a contrast in the person of one who is called the defendant, the prisoner, or the accused.
Ultimatum, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions.
Weaknesses, n.pl. Certain primal powers of Tyrant Woman wherewith she holds dominion over the male of her species, binding him to the service of her will and paralyzing his rebellious energies.
Wedding, n. A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable.
Witch, n. (1) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil.
Woman, n. An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man. The species is the most widely distributed of all beasts of prey.
Yoke, n. An implement, madam, to whose Latin name we owe one of the most illuminating words in our language – a word that defines the matrimonial situation with precision, point, and poignancy.
Zeal, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl.
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Ambrose Bierce (1842 – ca. 1914) is one of the most influential American journalists and authors of the 19thcentury. In addition to The Devil’s Dictionary, Bierce also penned An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge and many other short stories and comic verse. In his later life, he ventured into revolution-torn Mexico and was never heard from again. Bierce is The Old Gringo in the 1989 movie of Carlos Fuentes’ novel.
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