Actions speak louder than words.
There was something about the 1600s. They knew how to write a proverb that stood the test of time. It’s one of my favourites. It’s simple, easy to understand. What you do means more to people than what you say you will do.
The proverbs versatility astounds me. It applies to every type of relationship we have; work, friendship, love, divorce, family. Even the relationship we have with our appliances follows this simple expectation. When I hit the power button on my computer, I expect the computer to turn on.
Yet, the idea of intent versus reality becomes hotly debated with my friends. There is an ongoing argument about how true, or how loyal, we should be to this proverb.
Each one of my friends differs about this relationship expectation. Some think it’s genius, and others wonder if the proverbs are as outdated as yesterday’s newspaper.
Should we continue to hold people to these expectations?
‘Expectations’ my friend Julie would say. She became fixated on the way this proverb confined people to action when they ‘should be free to do as they please’. She reasoned that people already had enough expectations in their life, what they say shouldn’t matter. It was too much to expect of a world overloaded with expectation.
But what I question about Julie’s assertions is the idea of expectation. We are in charge of our own expectations. When we speak, we are setting our expectations with our words. When someone says they’re going to do something, they are establishing an expectation for their behaviour.
If we don’t want our actions held to a higher esteem than our words, perhaps we shouldn’t say anything at all. In the scenario of expectations, silence is golden?
Is it that big of a deal if the two don’t meet?
Weston, the master of romantic relationships, didn’t see the big deal if words and actions didn’t align. “Words are just words,” he said to me, “and we use them all the time. Often we get our words wrong, we stumble. And we do things all the time too. We’re only human and we’re bound to get the two wrong.”
I remember him saying this after receiving a tongue lashing from his new boss. The boss ordered Weston to deliver a parcel to a new client, a promise Weston made to complete by Friday evening. When Monday rolled around, and the parcel hadn’t left his desk, Weston’s boss didn’t hold back his dismay.
“I made a mistake.”
What people making the ‘mistakes’ don’t realise is the let down felt by everyone else. When someone makes a promise with their words, and their actions don’t meet, the letdown is enormous. It can feel like a deliberate attack, as it has for me in the past, or it can feel like a gesture of distrust.
Getting let down by someone’s actions that don’t meet their words can feel worse than a genuine mistake.
Is it that hard to get it right?
I broke up with my ex because of his promises. I remember the time he promised to come to a party with me, pick me up and drive me there. I was two hours late and arrived by taxi, and he didn’t see any issue standing me up.
He also said how much he loved me. How much he adored me, and how he wanted to spend his future with me. But when we were together, outside of the bedroom, he wouldn’t hold my hand, kiss me, even give me a hug when I asked.
His actions never showed me he cared. Or that he had any intentions of keeping promises to me. His actions didn’t meet his words.
From my failed relationship with him, I’ve subscribed to the policy of ‘under-promise and over-deliver’. I want no one to feel the pain I’ve felt. I don’t want to be the person who lets people down. I don’t want to be the person who inflicts pain.
Getting it right shouldn’t be that hard either. It shouldn’t be so hard to keep our word that we need to under-promise to the extent of lying. Why do we find it impossible to deliver on what we say?
Do words really matter?
Through the debates and assertions of my friends and loved ones, I come to one question. Do words really matter?
What does it matter if we say all the right things, make all the bold promises, sing all the sweet songs, if we don’t do anything to match it? Are words even relevant if the people around us can’t offer any action to show their intention?
In an age where we can freely vocalise our intentions, our actions mean more than ever. We’re exposed to more ‘words’ than ever before. And we’re offered more promises from every person and business we interact with than ever before too.
This is a time where we what we do means more because we do less of it. We need to make better, smarter and more genuine actions. We need to stop paying lip service and act.
And we need to make sure the people we love feel our intentions through our actions.
Actions mean more than words. We’re more than what we say. We are what we do.
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I’m Ellen McRae, writer by trade and passionate storyteller by nature. I write about figuring about love and relationships through fictional-reality. The anecdotes might not always be true, but the lessons learned sure are!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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