Healthy intimate relationships provide couples with a safe place where they can be comfortable speaking out and voicing both positive and negative emotions without fear of negative consequences. Often experiencing breakups, divorce, and/or high conflict in relationships can cause people to fear being vulnerable. This apprehension may make it difficult to be transparent with an intimate partner due to fear of abandonment or rejection.
However, trying to change someone can be deadly for an intimate relationship. Instead, in a healthy partnership, your focus needs to shift away from how to “fix” the other person and toward a broader perspective of how to repair your relationship. The first person you need to examine is yourself if you’re going to ignite positive change in the dynamics between you and your partner and establish a strong bond.
If It’s Intense, It’s Your Own
When you feel intensely hurt or angry with your partner, it is common to want to blame them. It may seem obvious to you at that moment that your mate is the person who needs to change. In reality, it’s often your own baggage that’s impacting your emotions. According to marriage counselor Mona Barbera, PH.D., author of Bring Yourself to Love, the truth about that kind of pain doesn’t come from your partner’s words or actions. Barbera explains, “As I like to tell my clients, if it’s intense, it’s your own.” She suggests that when you deal with your own internal pain, your partner won’t easily trigger an intense reaction when they do something that hurts or disappoints you. She writes, “It is hard to think clearly when you get tangled up with your partner.”
However, when you’re blaming or distancing from your partner, it doesn’t make the pain go away. You still have to deal with your partner, who is probably angry with you for being blamed, attacked, or abandoned. In some cases, you will get the opposite reaction from what you really need to feel loved. This is really a core issue for many people who sabotage relationships.
Tom and Melissa personify this pattern. They’re both in their mid-fifties, raising three children, and they’ve been married for ten years. “I just don’t feel Tom understands me,” complains Melissa. “I’ve asked him to be more considerate of my needs, but things don’t appear to be changing. It feels like I’m never a priority.” To this, Tom responds: “Melissa is never happy and blames me for our problems.” The common thread in these statements is this couple’s focus on “fixing” the other person rather than on taking specific actions to change their part in an undesirable relationship dynamic.
Unfortunately, Tom and Melissa feel trapped in a vicious cycle of blame and defensiveness due to their emotional baggage and unwillingness to accept what they each contribute to their negative pattern of interactions. Melissa is quick to blame Tom when she feels left out or hurt by his actions. On the other hand, Tom is easily frustrated with Melissa because he often feels she’s overly critical of him.
Repair is Necessary Before Things Escalate
In a recent article for The Gottman Institute’s website, psychotherapist Nicole Schiener, looks at the roots and repercussions of communication issues among couples. Referring to Dr. John Gottman’s body of work, Schiener traces the development of unhealthy and ineffective communication in a relationship back to individual partners’ upbringing. She explains that patterns of conflict and abuse are often unconsciously modeled after one’s own parents, and offers tools to help couples get their “relationship back on track.”
Taking a two-pronged approach to solving communication issues, Schiener writes that “repair is necessary before things escalate. For people who experienced trauma, insecure attachment, and a lack of co-regulation, this can be difficult. Trauma, thinking traps, and mistaken beliefs can distort your perception of reality.” In other words, many of our hang ups, unproductive habits and unhelpful methods of communicating are borne of our childhood experiences with our own parents.
According to Schiener, committing to a practice of being in tune with yourself and then turning that attention toward your partner will create a bedrock of “gratitude and genuine interest.” She further cites Dr. Gottman’s research, noting that this dynamic represents what Gottman calls “the culture of appreciation.” Simply put, showing awareness and real interest in your partner’s inner world will foster healthy communication and growth in your relationships, and allow you to repair conflict as it arises, rather than letting resentment fester and give rise to even an even bigger emotional divide.
Second, Schiener extols the virtues of what she calls “self-compassion.” Indeed, it’s healthy to understand that we all make mistakes, and “instead of self-criticism that leads to shame and defensiveness, self-compassion makes it easier to acknowledge your part and be open to learning and growing as an individual and a couple.”
4 Ways to Promote Healthy Communication
Be prepared for your discussions with your partner to be intense sometimes – especially when controversial issues surface and when emotional baggage comes into play. Both people will have their own unique way of reacting to comments and concerns. Since there will be disagreements, showing respect and kindness is mandatory during discussions.
- Offer unconditional loving-kindness to your partner. This includes support and compassion to them if they are upset (rather than justifying your position). When you or your spouse are having an argument, find a quiet time and place to talk. Set ground rules for respectful conduct such as “No name-calling or yelling is allowed.”
- Seek to genuinely understand your partner’s point of view, without debate, criticism or judgment. If you can’t compromise, attempt to let each other have what they want sometimes, if the issue isn’t a deal breaker for you.
- Don’t take things personally when you disagree. Imagine that your partner’s concerns have nothing to do with your character or worth. Picture that there aren’t any threats, assaults, or insults in your partner’s statements when your “raw spots” are triggered. Remember, they’re just speaking about what upsets them, but it doesn’t change your value or worth.
- Try to brainstorm ways to creatively deal with your partner’s concerns. Generate a list of solutions and listen to each other’s perspective. Taking a short break when one or both of you is feeling defensive or flooded is a good strategy. This will help you to be clear and calm in your efforts to communicate and repair hurt feelings.
Focusing on being especially compassionate toward yourself and your partner when there’s a rough spot can go a long way toward creating a safe emotional space for both of you. This safety net can help promote intimacy and understanding without winners or losers (no one wins). The relationship wins when you both generate a solution within the context of a loving relationship.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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