Nate Bagley, host of “The Loveumentary”, explores whether or not pornography is addictive and how to maintain healthy sexual relationships.
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Yup, Porn… that thing that so many of us quietly indulge in behind closed and locked doors. That thing that causes the hyper-conservatives to recoil in fear. That thing that causes religious leaders and mothers alike to shudder at its very mention.
For many people, porn has become as much a part of every day life as a regular bowel movement. We sit in a darkened room staring at a screen, clicking a mouse, opening dozens of tabs. Buffering… buffering… buffering…
Always on the lookout for that perfect scene.
Watching for something new and exciting.
Envisioning the ultimate erotic fantasy.
People say looking at porn is completely normal. It isn’t hurting anyone.
I’ve been one of those people.
I’ve been the lonely, depressed, or just plain horny guy who just needed a safe and private sexual outlet. I’ve been the guy who said, “I can stop looking at porn when I find a girlfriend or get married. No problem.” I’ve been the guy who felt insecure, helpless, lonely and ashamed. I’ve felt unwanted because, as I’ve heard over and over and over in one way or another in my life, “Who would ever want to be with someone who looks at that disgusting stuff?”
There are countless people who feel stuck. They’re hooked and they don’t even know it. Their only escape from porn is more porn. Thousands of wrecked relationships that are living proof that porn can be devastating to love.
Nobody sits down to dinner with friends and says with a twinkle in their eye, “You know what? Me and porn, we have such a great thing going. I’m just really happy with our relationship. I think we’re really going places.”
We have a problem. It’s time to fix it. And to fix it, we need to be willing to talk about it and learn about it.
Is Porn Addictive?
Click to view full infographic.
The difficult thing with porn is that – relative to most other addictive substances – it has only recently become highly accessible to the public. People have been studying the side effects of tobacco, alcohol, drugs, and prescription medications for decades. Although not a new invention, porn’s sudden ease of access makes it a brand new, and unique threat for the digital generation.
It’s a threat because most people who consume porn are not educated about the potential side effects. We’ve been educated to know that smoking causes cancer, drinking causes liver and heart disease, and your brains can turn to scrambled eggs when on drugs.
But there’s no warning attached to pornography. And people consume it and are ignorant to the addiction they’re feeding until it’s too late.
Nobody tells you it can negatively impact your sex drive and even cause early onset erectile disfunction.
Nobody tells you it can alter your brain chemistry.
Nobody explains how it gives you incredibly unrealistic expectations regarding what healthy sex looks like.
I’m not saying that nobody should look at porn.
What I am saying is that there needs to be more education, research, and information available to those who choose to consume it so that people can make informed decisions. (Which is one of the reasons you should listen to the podcast above. We chat about the negative effects of porn, treatment, and how to support someone you love who may have an addiction.)
If we remain ignorant, and continue to refuse to talk about difficult or uncomfortable things, we leave a generation of people ill-equipped to deal with the ever-changing challenges their reality has in store for them.
Do yourself a favor. Learn about porn. Understand what it’s capable of. Teach your friends and family members. Help our society make responsible and educated decisions about sex and any form of addictive substance.
Let’s not wallow in unnecessary pain because of our own ignorance.
Listen to The Loveumentary podcast here.
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SHOW NOTES:
How Kids Learn About Sex: Heres the video by Betony Vernon explaining how we’re raising a generation of children with skewed perceptions regarding healthy sexuality because of our unwillingness to address a taboo topic in a healthy way.Protect Yourself: Need some good recommendations for filtration software, education, or support for an addiction? Check out the Fight The New Drug website.
How porn affected Maria’s relationship:
Originally appeared at The Loveumentary
The Science Behind the Theory of Pornography Addiction –
[…]Drug rehabilitation is the process of medical and psychological treatment, for patients of substance abuse.[…]
I don’t believe porn truly helps people “explore their sexuality”. I think porn defines people’s sexuality though through the vision that pornographers want to see and the limits they push to keep people coming back to porn. It certainly influences sexuality. I hate the way porn has influenced men’s sexuality. It’s made men largely selfish and predatory in my opinion. If porn hasn’t influenced sexuality, this conversation would be exactly the same as it was just a few short 5-10 years ago when men were not as obessed with porn as they appear to be today in society. (Unfortunetly, even… Read more »
Hi Erin Unfortunately this link brings you to an article written in Norwegian,but I post it,because it is some sexologist opinion and not just my personal ideas. http://www.klikk.no/helse/dinkropp/samliv/article756338.ece They are worried about the pressure young girls and women now are under to have sex in ways dictated by men. One example is that men wants and expects them to swallow semen. This can be sexual abuse when you press and press the other to do something they don’t want to do. Most women do not want to and do not at like to swallow semen. The sexologist give the advice… Read more »
Could you two get over the whole gross out thing? I’m sure I’m not the only one who sometimes gets semen on myself when I masturbate. It’s not a big deal. In fact, I remember anticipating and worrying about receiving my first blow job and the whole spit or swallow conundrum. I wasn’t aware of the sexologist’s advice, but I figured fair was fair and how else could I know what I was asking her to do? That didn’t seem like a big deal either. Besides, far from putting up with it, some women seem to enjoy it quite a… Read more »
What gross out thing? All I know is when I suggested that the men ejaculate on themselves to try something new, instead of ejaculating on teh woman, I was met with a lot of confrontation and anger from the men that I even suggested such a thing. Ejaculating on yourself by accident or getting a little semen on you is one thing. Doing it on purpose seemed to offended a lot of guys on that website I was talking to. And these guys are otherwise very sexually open minded when it comes to stuff that is popular to do to… Read more »
What would you consider really adventurous?
I think you missed the point of my post Anonymous. It doesn’t matter what *I* consider really adventurous. I hear a lot of men talk about how they want partners that are “open-minded” and ‘adventurous”. Which is true but only in the context of what they see in porn and what they want to copy. If you suggest a man does something that is not regularly shown in porn, such as a straight, hetero-sexual man ejaculating on himself instead of his partner, it caused such an angered reaction from teh men I was talking about you might think I had… Read more »
Psychiatrist Paul Joannides, says MOST women dislike to swallow semen. Having semen in your mouth can also give STD. They should actually be thankful the woman give them oral sex. I wonder why these men don’t use condoms. Sex without a condom ( unless you are married and want to make a baby ) show a lack of respect, lack of education and knowledge. Here is a story. A man tells her male friends on his wedding day:” I marry her because she not only swallows semen,she gurgles it.” In the next room sits his wife and tells her women… Read more »
Hi Iben, Would you care to elaborate on my previous post in this thread, the one you said had “many question and deserve honest answers”? You seem to be back writing here? (No pressure, just asking.) On the “open-minded” issue, I would like to say that despite my history of using p0rn, I don’t want to “impose” anything on my partner that a) she’s not comfortable with doing, and b) I wouldn’t be prepared to do myself for her. I wouldn’t like to swallow my own semen. But then again, most women don’t “ejaculate” so much as they produce a… Read more »
Hi FlyingKal
I have to come back to your questions. Vaction , ill in bed with fever, a cold and running nose. It is too early in the season for the flu.
Not inspired to think about anything sexual at all….
It is strange that some women ejaculate but others don’t(. Do all women have the same body?).
I am aware that also women have body fluids,but you hardly have to swallow them do you? And if oral sex makes you uncomfortable,then don’t do it.
There is also something called oral dam, and I have never seen it,
https://www.optionsforsexualhealth.org/sexual-health/sexually-transmitted-infections/barriers/oral-dams
I am aware that also women have body fluids,but you hardly have to swallow them do you? And if oral sex makes you uncomfortable,then don’t do it.
*sigh!* I didn’t say I had to and I didn’t say I did…
“Here is a story. A man tells her male friends on his wedding day:” I marry her because she not only swallows semen,she gurgles it.” In the next room sits his wife and tells her women friends:” I am so glad I am married. Now I no longer have to swallow semen”.” Reading your story, it’s hard for me to agree that she ever had to gurgle or swallow semen. Perhaps she chose to. I can certainly understand that two people could see the act differently. But since she misrepresented her way into marriage, I doubt this story ends happily… Read more »
Hi Ugh
But the point I try to make here is that many women do things sexually even if they don’t like it because it is expected of them and men ask for it. And unless some of us tell about it how will this ever be known?
Do men a lot of things sexually for women that they don’t like? I have no idea.
That’s a good question Iben. i would like to know the answer to that myself. Do men do things sexually they don’t like for women? I would hope not. But I don’t think men have the external pressure to perform in that way, that women do. Now, men certainly have other worries and concerns about performance. But in most cases, it would seem to me, that sex is more often something that women are made more vulnerable to and are more expected to be on the receiving end of more hardcore and vunlerable sexual acts.
Hanging out with friends, or touching, hugging and stroking people that we love, and a slew of other things, also creates these chemicals that have influence on our brain and make us addicted… Say, I’m an adult. I have a full-time job. I have my health, economy and eating habits in check. I have a list of healthy interests that I pursue in my spare time, interacting in various degrees with other people. And sometimes, like 1-3 times a week, I like to give myself a “kick” of dopamine, oxytocin or whatever, and spend an hour or two with a… Read more »
Hi FlyingKal Nate wrote this article and it starts by saying: Nate Bagley, host of “The Loveumentary”, explores whether or not pornography is addictive and how to maintain healthy sexual relationships. — This article is not about being a bad boy or not. The question is does the use of porn affect your health and your relationships. And I may add, does your use of porn affect your life ? Can you desire a woman that is not waxed or shaved? Can you be content in a relationship with a WILLING partner that like vanilla sex or do you need… Read more »
“And I may add, does your use of porn affect your life ?” Yes. It helps me explore my sexuality. “Can you desire a woman that is not waxed or shaved?” Well yah. Thats pretty basic. “Can you be content in a relationship with a WILLING partner that like vanilla sex or do you need to try out nex things and push your partners boundaries step by step” The way you word this is a wrong/bad. Let me fix it for you. Can you be content in a relationship with a WILLING partner that like vanilla sex or do you… Read more »
Hi anonguy We can agree in the importance of sexual compatibility . I agree 100%. But imagine two persons that are compatible when they meet. They like the same things and are in love. Lets say they are turned on by each other and the good relationship they have and not by certain acts or certain technics sexually. Then over time one uses porn frequtly like so many does….and acquire new tastes , long to try out the weirdest thing seen in porn. I can not give you examples because I don’t watch porn. Then they are no longer sexually… Read more »
As the guy/girl in your example slowly finds out more about there sexuality and what they like and don’t like then yes they very well might find out they are no longer or were never really sexually compatible. Now let me ask you a question? Could it not also be true that two loving people who are not all that sexually compatible could use porn to help overcome that? Bonus question. Just how much pegging porn must you watch before your mind is rewired so you want and enjoy it? Ballpark number is fine btw. My guess is you could… Read more »
Hello Iben, We can agree in the importance of sexual compatibility . I agree 100%. But imagine two persons that are compatible when they meet. They like the same things and are in love. Lets say they are turned on by each other and the good relationship they have and not by certain acts or certain technics sexually. Then over time one uses porn frequtly like so many does….and acquire new tastes , long to try out the weirdest thing seen in porn. I can not give you examples because I don’t watch porn. Then they are no longer sexually… Read more »
Exactly! It’s not that my libido is that much higher or my tastes that much more deviant. There are things we used to do that we just don’t; and not by my request.
A major reason I was ok with marriage was that my wife seemed very open sexually and I thought I’d be find having one partner because her willingness to explore would compensate for what would otherwise become a lack of variety.
Hi FlyingKal
Yes, I understand what you mean
“But imagine two persons that are compatible when they meet. They like the same things and are in love. Lets say they are turned on by each other and the good relationship they have and not by certain acts or certain technics sexually. Then over time one uses porn frequtly like so many does….and acquire new tastes , long to try out the weirdest thing seen in porn. I can not give you examples because I don’t watch porn.” I’m not familiar with this behavior in men. I was turned on by my wife, by the sex we had, the… Read more »
Hi A married man
When I said” turned on by a good relationship” ,I meant that many women loose interest in sex with their man when the relationship is no longer good.
“And I may add, does your use of porn affect your life ?” Yes, if I’m not getting laid, having easy access to a quick orgasm improves my mood. “Can you desire a woman that is not waxed or shaved?” If she’s got her pants on, how can I even tell whether a woman is waxed or shaved? If she’s taking her pants off, and expects oral sex, I’d much prefer that she shave. I do the same. And for me, oral sex, with shaved balls, feels much better. So, enough with the hair nazis and this whole idea that… Read more »
Hi another anon guy
You are one of the many married men on GMP unhappy about your sex life in marriage .
Soon I begin to wonder if this happens to every married man.
But that is another debate.
No way! I need her to be completely bare down there. But at the same time I don’t want her to shave her legs or armpits or back; I like to snuggle up to the fuzziness at night. I’m ambivalent about whether she shaves her eyebrows though – I suppose as long as she draws them back on that’s okay.
Hello Iben, For starters, entering a relationship that is supposed to be sexual, and then immediately starting to “turn off the faucet” so to say, is not a way to “maintain a healthy sexual relationship” either. Why is that so rarely discussed without a onesided blame on “poor performance”? “This article is not about being a bad boy or not. The question is does the use of porn affect your health and your relationships.” And in doing so, constantly painting the p0rn and its consumer as the villain of the relationship, with no consideration to previous interaction. “And I may… Read more »
Hi FlyingKal
I do understand your situation.
This time you ask many question and deserve honest answers.
I leave for a vaction for some time, but will think about the many things you say . .the last of your questions is important:)
GMP should give us more articles about that for both men and women.
Because women are as often at fault as men.
Hi Iben,
I think it’s funny you say I ask many questions, when all I did was to try and answer all the questions you had asked…
But anyway, have a good vacation.
Hi Flyingkal A few words before I leave. I understand what you say in this post. “Will your porn use now as a single man train you to be better lover in your next love relationship ?” I don’t know. How do you train yourself to be a better lover/mistress in your next love relationship? My answer is that I do not use porn. To explain what else I do for personal development, and improvement can not be summed up in a few sentences. And it is private. I am sure you are intelligent enough to find all the resources… Read more »
Hi Iben,
I was mostly curious what on earth made you conclude or assume that that was my objective for using p0rn? I’ve never used it for training or education, why expect me to start now?
“And in doing so, constantly painting the p0rn and its consumer as the villain of the relationship, with no consideration to previous interaction.” I don’t think it’s good to simply paint the porn user or consumer as the “villiain” in the relationship. but it’s not easy for a lot of women to see their male partners enjoy something that, lets be honest here, stereotypes and objectfies women a good chunk of the time. Exploits women for their bodies, encourages name calling and harsh language and sexual acts that are usually, in most cases, making the women more vunerable where her… Read more »
Hi Erin, Short (somewhat) answer to many questions: I don’t think p0rn is “good” per se, either. I’ve said it before, for me if there’s a real live somewhat willing or enthusiastic women in the same room/apartment/house, p0rn’s not even in the competition. And I’m pretty sure the same goes for at least 19 out of 20 men. As for the bad language and other stuff, I do my best to avoid all kinds of “dominance” scenes, cause that’s not what I’m interested in. But it’s not like I’m unaware that it’s out there. Yes, I can imagine what it’s… Read more »
Would you mind providing some peer reviewed academic studies to support your claim? As a Psychology student who was taught the most important question to ever ask by one very special teacher, I really can’t be comfortable with any of your claims unless you can present studies supporting them.
David,
This article is a good place to start. The sources are listed at the bottom.
This topic has been broached before and is rife with misunderstanding on the science involved. Speaking of dopamine, the effects are not identical to systems like cocaine use, for reward circuits vary within the brain: http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs11064-009-0096-4 Abstract: Different set of mechanisms are involved in the reward of different drugs of abuse, yet different mechanisms in the reward of natural stimuli such as food or sexual activity; thus there are different systems that distinguish different stimuli. And more on dopamine and how some drastically oversimplify its workings and impact: http://www.cell.com/neuron/retrieve/pii/S0896627310009384 Abstract: Based on this data, we propose that dopamine neurons come… Read more »
To elissa – Let’s address your citations. The first citation states that there are differences between various drugs and different natural rewards. This goes without saying as we experience eating an apple as different from taking cocaine. Straw man. It’s not the differences, but what all addictive drugs and natural rewards have in common – elevation of dopamine in the nucleus accumbens. If it doesn’t raise nucleus accumbens dopamine, then it cannot be addictive. Actually sex is just like cocaine and meth in the most importnat way – actiavtion of the reward center (nucleus accumbens). Both activate the exact same… Read more »
You never hear about “social functionality addiction” either, but it will produce exactly the same chemicals that messes with your brain chemistry, and by their very nature I guess would be just as addictive.
Hi Nate
On the website your brain on porn, they write that women seems to be more easily addicted to the use of vibrators and complain of loss of sensitivity.
Here is hoping this one makes it past moderation. I will offer a more constructive criticism and back up my dismissal of your article with real science. The first red light really should be that your links take you to anti porn sites. In other words there is a strong biases here. So first up. Porn leads to ED. This is a myth. A review of Pubmed, the largest online database of medical literature, reveals that there is not a single published study linking pornography and erectile dysfunction. Let me repeat that for you… there is MORE proof that porn… Read more »
Hi anonguy
It is great that you come up with fact about reseach about ED and other problems porn is said to cause.
We need it, instead of myths.
Does it harm relationships or not?
But It is not my impression that the website” psychology today” is a highly respected website for psychology and sexology.
Let’s find recent scientific reseach published in well respected scientific journals.
” psychology today ” is NOT such a journal.
I used it much like someone might use this article. shorthand to simply explain something and they do tend to post links to the published papers.
Most people are going to have a hard time making heads or tails of most papers… and that’s before we get into the pay walls.
Still at the end of the day you are right. ”psychology today” is NOT such a journal and should be viewed with skepticism and suspicion.
If it’s a scientific paper you want (open access)…
http://www.socioaffectiveneuroscipsychol.net/index.php/snp/article/view/20770/28995
Here’s the money quote:
One of the frequent critiques of sexual addictions is that it pathologizes normative, socially unaccepted, sexual behaviors (Levine & Troiden, 1988). These data appear consistent with that perspective.
The paper they cite in that quote is here (paywall):
http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00224498809551467
In brief, they find that sexual addiction and sexual compulsion are not clinically significant problems but instead have a strong cultural bias which serves as a reference for what sexual behavior is acceptable and what is unacceptable (and therefore pathological).
I have a fascination with sexuality and how we try to control it.
I really am thankful for your links.
I do need to add something here however. Porn can be a very real compulsion. Much like someone with OCD who might have to walk around there car three times before driving. No one is going to say walking around your car is addictive but there is very much still a issue that might need medical help. Keep in mind there is a big difference between “My GF caught me looking at porn and is mad at me, but I don’t really intend to stop so I must be a porn addict” and someone having real issues with porn affecting… Read more »
to – anonguy says: Your links go to David Ley. He is hardly unbiased. He wrote the Myth of Sex Addiction and staunchly proclaims that no amount of internet porn, at any age, can cause problems. His article in no way addresses the facts – that health young men removed a single variable and healed from chronic ED. See the many comments below his post that easily refute his nonsense. See this comment under Ley’s article from an MD who is an expert in erectile dysfunction, and has train other MDs: __________________________ PORNOGRAPHY & ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION Submitted by LAWRENCE A.… Read more »
Personally I treat p0rn just like any other media I like to consume. Sometimes I’m in the mood for Mad Men, sometimes in the mood for Downton Abbey, sometimes in the mood for Redtube. It’s not really in a special category of its own. Because it’s not like those other media choices don’t also sometimes lead to self-pleasuring… And, ironically enough, I think I’ve become pretty desensitized to the “shame” aspect of p0rn use. I may not be as likely to discuss it with friends as something like Downton Abbey, but I don’t really feel nasty for viewing it. Unless… Read more »
So if your high libido, low libido, Bored with sex or even overly adventurous sexually it’s ” THE PORNS” fault? Sounds like some kind of negative snake oil salesmen’s pitch……for societies most effective sexual/ social scapegoat.
Sigh… why not just say “there is no safe level of use, every man who even glances at porn is feeding somel level of addiction and should stop”?
It’s the message everyone wants men to hear, after all–why pussyfoot around with it just because it happens not to be true?
… and sex.
The “addiction mechanism” described in the infographic applies to everything enjoyable we do. Exercise, sex, food, spending time with our loved ones… It’s only an addiction if it’s a problem and interferes with the rest of your life – just like everything else.
I was going to point this out as well. Personally I’m addicted to food – my brain releases dopamine when I eat and I feel the reward of doing so. After not eating for a lengthy period of time I begin to obsess about eating, wondering where my next meal is going to come from. In fact, I’ve become so dependent on eating I feel like I might die if I stopped.
Oddly that’s one of the posibilitys of addiction. Withdrawals can get deadly.
There is no consensus among psychologists that use of pornography is addiction or just a behavioral compulsion. Addiction refers to the “state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.” IMHO, there are not many people who will be severally traumatized if they have no access to pain. All this talk about porn addiction is just shaming men for using pornography. Not long ago, it was widely believed that masturbation was bad for health which has been conclusively refuted.… Read more »
What if the real problem with porn is the shaming done to the viewers? So it’s not porn that is the issue but articles like this one that cast a pall on other peoples behavior? What if Shame it’s self is the addictive maladaptive behavior…..A rush followed by a steep emotional drop that needs another rush to balance it……why not just let go of the largely self inflicted emotional battering that many anti-porn activists try and instill by “othering” porn viewers. Seems very interlinked with the anti masterbation screeds that were thrust upon both boys and girls in my youth……..Heck… Read more »
Hi Trey1963
I read this article and did not see any shaming of porn users.
“Thousands of wrecked relationships that are living proof that porn can be devastating to love.”
Shaming.
But what if it’s the shame of not being able to meet a lovers sexual needs that is devastating to love? What if it’s more about projection than anything else. The anti-porn crusaders sound eerily similar to the anti- crusaders of issues past, homosexuality, masturbation, polygamy, abortion etc…
Even beyond that, Nate makes very clear that that is not his intention and admits to being a porn user!
If one finds their own choices as shameful, it tends to color others that also make that choice in ones own eyes.
Hi Nate I have some questions : 1:Have you heard of any women addicted to porn? I have not. I have seen newspapers report that lesbians have the same high use of porn as men. Here is an articles about the affect on women . http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/is-porn-a-bigger-problem-for-men-than-women“Porn images are likely to raise testosterone, but domination themes certainly do—perhaps because male brains reward men for striving for the alpha male position in a tribe, troop, or other group. Whatever the reason, the result is that domination themes in porn are as calculated as lacing cigarettes with extra nicotine; they make porn more… Read more »
Iben, Thanks for your questions. I’m not an expert on porn, so I don’t feel qualified to answer all of your questions. But I can answer a few. 1.) Have I heard of women addicted to porn? The statistics referenced by Clay of “Fight the New Drug” in the podcast at the top of this post state that roughly 30% of porn users are female. I know that number varies depending on which source you consult… but I believe that to be a fair estimation. They mentioned it correlates with the number of letters they get from people who suffer… Read more »
What if it isn’t the porn ,but the libido/sex drive that is the problem?
How do I get rid of that addiction?
Why don’t I lose interest when entering a relationship, even if I do not demand or expect the circus variety or “pounding” I’m supposed to be addicted to?
What if it’s Testosterone that is the drug, the addiction, how do I rid myself of that?
Hi FlyingKal
You can ask Rational Thinker and Janis on the thread https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/an-open-letter-to-my-son-about-sex-gmp/comment-page-2/#comment-605397
They have knowledge about food that reduce the testosterone level.
Hi Iben,
“Why don’t I lose interest when entering a relationship, even if I do not demand or expect the circus variety or “pounding” I’m supposed to be addicted to?”
Hi FlyingKal
Obviously I misunderstood you 🙂
Sorry about that.
I through you wanted to eat more oregano,basil and lettuce…
As a woman I do not see a normal libido as an addiction or a problem.
The problem is that not all of us have a partner , to make love to.
hi Iben,
Do women in general eat more oregano, basil and lettuce when they enter a relationship than they did when they were single?
Hi FlyingKal
Never feed a woman pizza or lecture of you want some romance.
I do not know what food increases the libido and testosterone level.
Arabs say cinnamon are good….
My question is, after I know all bad effects from porn and acknowledge it, what can I do? I have watched porn since I was 14. Being shy and awkward guy, I don’t have any girlfriend until college. Before that, porn is the only source of my sexual pleasure. Yeah porn also affect my self esteem, sometimes I think I’m disgusting because I watch porn. Now I’m single, I watch porn regularly. I have jobs and other hobbies, but every time in a while I came back to porn. Mind you, I already know almost all the things about porn,… Read more »
I’ve had women ask for every one of those things, and more. Others have been indifferent or really put off by the idea of those acts. Btw, probably easier to stop watching porn with a gf than with a wife. Depending, I suppose on your future wife’s libido and tastes. I think it’s easy to shit all over the idea of porn and hard to face up to the fact that some men need more physical and mental stimulation than their real life sex lives are providing. What’s their choice? Cold showers? All that silly advice about a romantic night… Read more »
Except, In no way was I trying to dismiss the reality that some men have very high libidos that often aren’t matched or satiated by their partners. That issue is real, and deserves a discussion all on its own. Maybe I’ll do a podcast episode on that down the road. The reason it can be easy to “shit all over the idea of porn” is that many people engage in porn as an escape. They use it to cope with negative situations. Many often begin to prefer porn and masturbation to having sex with their partner. In my opinion, if… Read more »
Maybe for some people there is a “guy finds porn, guy loses girl” story line. I’d be surprised, based on my experiences and what I hear from my friends, if a much more common storyline isn’t: “girl loses interest in guy, guy reciprocates, and when he masturbates, he looks at something.”
Is it the porn that causes the preference? I wonder if we might not have misidentified the cause here. How much easier is it to say, “t’was the porn” than to admit our partners no longer do it for us, or that we resent them, or want out of a relationship that isn’t “bad” per se but isn’t good either? Self-deception is a powerful thing, so it wouldn’t surprise me if someone truly thought it was the porn and not some other cause whose identification they are compulsively avoiding.
Thanks.
I think there are probably BOTH narratives at play in different relationships. Certainly, Cornelius, you can admit that that possibility is more likely than just one thing happening (the one you suggest).
I’ve known men personally (THREE) who admit to having become compulsive about pornography during a “dry spell” in their marriages (two during/right after childbirth)- and then having trouble ejaculating during sex with their partner.
I’m not saying this’ll happen to everybody, but it’s more common than we think.
Always remember that just because you (or I) haven’t experienced something ourselves doesn’t make it not real.
I don’t need to shoot heroin to believe heroin addiction is real. I simply have trouble with a concept (porn addiction) that has no consistent definition, no clinical diagnosis, and no actual science. Trouble ejaculating doesn’t make for an addiction. The “death grip” will cause a guy to have trouble ejaculating (for example; I’m not saying this was their experiences). If a woman had no problem orgasming using a vibrator after reading a romance novel, but couldn’t come with PIV intercourse, would we say she had a romance novel addiction? I do think people can become habituated sexually – there’s… Read more »
Hi Cornelius You write : ✺”. If a woman had no problem orgasming using a vibrator after reading a romance novel, but couldn’t come with PIV intercourse, would we say she had a romance novel addiction?”✺ If the woman had no problem orgasm with a man before she used vibrators but could not orgasm with a man ( without vibrators) it is understandable that she asks herself if her use of a vibrator in the vagina and on her clitorise made it less sensitive . Or maybe she has developed a tast for only rotating intense vibrating “penises”, No men… Read more »
But whether we call it an “addiction” or not is exactly the point.
Hi Cornelius
I agree with you.
John, First of all, looking at porn doesn’t make you a bad or unkind person. If you feel like you are addicted, or if you feel like you want to stop, but can’t, you’re not alone. Addictions (whether mild or severe) are a disease of the brain. And just like we don’t accuse people of being “bad” if they develop cancer or diabetes, we should also abstain from accusing those who develop addictions of being inherently “bad.” If you want help quitting, you might want to look into some online resources, or attend a 12 Step program. Having someone to… Read more »
My questions would be whether you can rid yourself of the shame without stopping.
If so, then porn might not be the problem.
That is, if you have an otherwise fulfilling life – if you find that your shame over porn, or your porn use, are causing you to have less of the life that you wanted, then I would consider trying to stop. The site Nate refers to and links to makes a job of helping folks.
I remember reading once of a guy whose porn use was without shame before he got married and joined the LDS church, but then realized how shameful it was after that. Makes me think the cause of the shame wasn’t exposure to porn but exposure to the church.
I think its hard for me to keep watching porn without shame. As a kid, my religious parents taught me that watching porn is bad and a sin. I have been punished because my parents found porn in my computer back then, and being told to swear to never watch it again. And then I keep watching porn behind my parents back. I feel shame because I lie to my parents that I don’t want porn anymore. In high school, the shame came from realization that I’m such a loser jerking off to screen without a girlfriend while others are… Read more »
John, I just want to say – as a woman, a feminist and a mother – that I do not think you need to feel shame about having watched pornography. It’s good you’re thinking critically about the issues – my biggest concerns always go back to whether sex is being portrayed in a healthy way that actually educates people about sex (not just porn), and whether the roles of women in the porn create a sense that women are just objects. But I don’t think an individual consuming the porn is a bad person or is necessarily doing a bad… Read more »
Surely we don’t have the same expectations from all of our movies. Why hold porn to a different standard? Yes, it’s good to avoid exploitative productions, but aside from that, why not watch a parody romp like Pirates? What we need to be educated about is the nature of porn. It’s not a portrayal of real life sex anymore than Die Hard is a documentary about a hostage negotiator. We should think of porn as purely entertainment, and view the scenes portrayed therein as stunts performed by actors. John McLane may be able to fall three stories and walk away,… Read more »
Cornelius, while I agree that there needs to be more education about the nature of porn, I do not think it will stop one fundemental difference that makes movies like Die Hard and movies like porn so different. Men and women (but in my opinion more largely men), will still ask their parrtners to engage in certain sexual acts, dress up or encourage their partners to at one point, act more like a woman from porn, or act something out from porn then any person will ever ask their partner to act out something from Die Hard. And that is… Read more »
Hi Joanna:
I’ve visited this article many times. I revert to it when I’m feeling stressed out and need some motivation. Love your comments! You seem to have a very rational and level-headed perspective on porn – like Nate Bagley. I love the fact that he interviewed Clay Olsen from FightTheNewDrug. It’s an awesome website. I’ve struggled with porn for many years. Working on trying to quit.
John, I can relate to your story in a very real way. If you didn’t get a chance to listen to the podcast at the top of this post, I invite you to do so. The only way to eradicate the shame surrounding porn (especially in highly religious communities) is to be willing to talk about it, and not condemn those who suffer with that compulsion. You can also listen to this podcast that talks more about addiction in general, how it works, and how to seek treatment. Too many people think that overcoming addiction is just a matter of… Read more »
Some points you bring up that caught my eye. “I’ve been the lonely, depressed, or just plain horny guy who just needed a safe and private sexual outlet. I’ve been the guy who said, “I can stop looking at porn when I find a girlfriend or get married. No problem.” I’ve been the guy who felt insecure, helpless, lonely and ashamed. I’ve felt unwanted because, as I’ve heard over and over and over in one way or another in my life, “Who would ever want to be with someone who looks at that disgusting stuff?”” There is nothing wrong with… Read more »
Anon, Everyone deals with their issues differently. Some people turn to addictive substances or behaviors. One thing I’ve learned over the past few months is that people can react very differently to the exact same substance or behavior. For me and many other men and women throughout the world, porn was not a safe or healthy sexual outlet. For others, it might be. My hope is that by sharing my story I can help someone out there feel less alone, and maybe provide them with the tools to help them get over something that has a very negative impact on… Read more »
Did you really edit out my criticism or your article? Well it was not very in depth so I will fix that with my next post.
I definitely don’t think Nate is suggesting as such. For some people, they may find it better not to. But that doesn’t mean that’s right for all.
I think what we want, here, is to educate folks on how porn can become a compulsion – if not an addiction – and to keep an eye on that.
If you try it in your relationship and you’re still able to have a 100% mutually fulfilling relationship, then it’s working great. In my opinion.
Are there people with low libidos that have porn addictions? How could we find out?
Some studies show that porn can actually diminish the sexual desire one has for their partner.
As for addiction is concerned, many people make the mistake of seeing it as a binary issue. You’re either addicted or you’re not. This is not a very accurate way of diagnosing addiction. Instead, it should be graded on a spectrum. You can be severely addicted to something, not at all addicted, or anywhere in between. If someone feels a strong compulsion to do something, it could be argued that they are addicted, even if the addiction is mild.
That doesn’t seem to answer my question, not even in a roundabout way. But, to consider the points you did write, is it not also true that time and familiarity can diminish the sexual desire one has for their partner? Porn offers a fantasy sex life, one free of requirement and judgement. Partners don’t. Diminished sexual desire for one’s partner doesn’t seem like a marker for addictive behavior. Also, addiction and compulsion aren’t synonymous, although it seems as if some are treating it as such. How would you distinguish between a compulsion and an addiction, assuming you believe such a… Read more »
Cornelius, Sorry if I didn’t answer your question the way you wanted. To be honest, I’m not an expert on porn. I can only speak from my experience, and based off of the limited research I’ve done while researching for this podcast episode. My intent with this post was not so much to be the morality police for people, it was merely to educate that pornography is something that could interfere with your ability to have a healthy, loving relationship. Granted, that is not always the case, but based off of the resources provided by the guest in my podcast,… Read more »
It wasn’t that you didn’t answer the question “the way that I wanted,” it was that you didn’t appear (in my view) to answer the question about porn addiction in people with low libido at all. Which is fine, I don’t feel I’m owed an answer, but I thought it funny to respond in a way that didn’t even touch on the question. Lars von Trier’s upcoming movie notwithstanding, I find it interesting that “porn addiction” and “sex addiction” don’t appear to plague men with low libidos or women at all, despite reports that 30-40% of porn consumers are women.… Read more »
…your sort of my hero right now.
Cornelius,
Thanks for the feedback. I understood from the start that this topic is very controversial. I appreciate you sharing your views, and helping me and others to get multiple perspectives of the issue.
I am definitely going to reach out to Marty to see if he’ll be a guest on the podcast. Thanks for the suggestion!
Hi Cornelius
This was I interesting .
Marty Klein has neither the background or the credentials to discuss addiction. He has no background in biology, or addiction neuroscience. He received his PhD from an unaccredited school in San Francisco.
We need addiction experts not sexologists to enlighten us about the evidence for porn addiction