One man wonders how he can broach a difficult moment from his past with his girlfriend.
Dear Sexes: So about 1 year before I met my incredible, very feminist GF of 1+ year, I had sex with a prostitute in Asia. Having 2 sisters, needless to say I was (am) pretty disgusted with myself for too many reasons to list here. Looking back, my actions reflected a deep insecurity about myself at the time (that i’m still dealing with). My GF and I have an amazing, equitable relationship, but i dunno how to tell her about this; i’m just so afraid of her reaction.
♦◊♦
She Said: First, I assume you’ve read our blog entry answering a similar question from the female’s perspective, called Difficult Past. To me, the biggest issue both there and here is that a secret was kept from her (because you both saw the inherent “wrongness” that prostitution in Asia presents). But that doesn’t mean you should keep your secret any longer. In fact, the sooner you tell her, the better.
Feminist or not, we all make mistakes, and feminist or not we should all try to find a way to be forgiving when real repentance and growth is shown.
As far as approaching the subject, I would start by having an open dialogue in which you explain that time in your life: your insecurities, the problems in your life, and the ways in which you worked through them. Then I would say, “my biggest regret is that before I met you, I _________, and I’ve done a lot of work to figure out why I did it and I feel terrible because of…” and just hope she’s receptive to that. You can be honest and still try to shine a light on what good came out of the situation. Be clear that you have a lot of empathy for the women who live that life, and that you understand now the imbalance of power in that situation. Express your regret without making excuses or blaming others.
Last, don’t do a lot of lead-in like, “I hope you don’t hate me for this” or “I’m so worried about what you’ll think of me”. Always, in life, present yourself the way you want to be seen, not the way you hope you’re not seen. Approach it with confidence and reassure her of your growth into the man you are now.
He Said: Unfortunately, there’s no easy way to say something difficult, especially if you’re still disappointed in yourself (and worried about how the news will effect your girlfriend). There’s also no way to predict the future (at least not here at She Said He Said), so… just take the plunge—spit out the truth.
You can beat around the bush, if you like, but the truth is the truth, and it can’t be changed. If you’re choosing to be honest, all you can do is hope your girlfriend will accept you for who you are (presently, as well as in the past). You can give her a better chance to understand where you’re coming from by discussing those insecurities that you’re still dealing with, and those that may have led you to your choice in Asia.
And before you have any conversation with your girlfriend about this, make sure you are first clear with yourself about what you want to get out of the interaction. Then prepare for anything! Anger, hurt, betrayal, acceptance, love, etc … Any, or all, of these feelings could come out of your conversation—there’s no way to know for sure. Most importantly, it is a conversation… a dialogue… a beginning. Keep talking!
If you have a question for Josie and Eli, ask it here.
Originally published at SheSaidHeSaid.
—Photo kyle simourd/Flickr
I just noticed this article and though its probably dead, but I just had to comment because there seems to be an issue here everyone is overlooking, for and against included: Love is an entitlement. It is a right. Not everyone finds it. I realize that, but the denial of love and affection is one of the most heinous and reprehensible things an individual can experience. Let’s say this man tells his wife/girlfriend what he did and she rejects him for it. He moves on and meets someone else. The next “love of his life” rejects him again. And the… Read more »
Gee, I was a soldier in Korea during 1964, and I had sex with prostitutes there about 15 times. Look, every man has a past. I never have problems sharing mine with my wife, but there’s no law that you have to.
Partners especially don’t have the right to judge or re-tune someone’s sexual history.
There’s an unnecessary amount of judgement on this guy for thinking about how to tell his girlfriend about having sex with a prostitute. His question doesn’t indicate that she’s suspicious or asking inappropriate questions. If he wants to tell her, it’s his choice. It seems like a few of the commenters could afford a bit more respect for courage and honesty when dealing with those important to them. If you can’t share some of your regrets and mistakes with a long-term partner, where is the substance in the relationship? Not everybody is looking for long-term, but this guy seems to… Read more »
There have been many articles and hundreds of comments made here about why men should not ask women about their “number”, and certainly not ask about details of their sexual history.
Therefore, why should he be obligated to disclose what he is not supposed to question her about? He’s supposed to give her details but not require that she also give details? Does that make any sense?
It seems like a few of the commenters could afford a bit more respect for courage and honesty when dealing with those important to them. If you can’t share some of your regrets and mistakes with a long-term partner, where is the substance in the relationship? Not everybody is looking for long-term, but this guy seems to be ready for it. He deserves respect for his honesty. I think it comes down to how different people define “regrets and mistakes”. Personally if I were in his shoes I don’t think this would bother me so much nor would I have… Read more »
I think that the point that you’re missing is that it’s clear that it’s important to the guy’s girlfriend. While you may not feel that sleeping with a prostitute is much different than sleeping with anyone else, clearly his girlfriend feels differently. And he seems to, as well. It seems it’s hard for some poster here to understand, but some people feel that prostitution is a moral issue, not just a sexual one. In relationships where the view points and boundaries might be different, it’s all the more important to respect your partner. He should tell her things that he… Read more »
Why should you (he) tell her at all? Unless you have agreed to disclose details of your sexual history to each other, including each and every person you each were with. As long as you are disease free, If you have to tell her that, she has to disclose details about each of her sexual experiences.
Agree with Eric above. Also are you trying to clear your own mind at her expense? Honesty doesn’t really do anyone else any good if it will be hurtful.
I read this twice to make sure I understood it correctly before writing. Dude, nut up and take this secret to the grave. I see nothing to be gained from such a disclosure except the love of your life immediately reevaluating the man she loves and wondering how well she really knows you and what other disclosures might be waiting in the pipeline. You didn’t cheat on her or anyone else; count your blessings, live your life and enjoy your relationship. Good luck.
I read your post and something felt wrong. It took me a moment to put my finger on it, but what if the guy here wants to tell his girl about fucking a prostitute for his own benefit? He obviously seems broken up about it, and is disturbed enough by the event to feel like he should tell her. Perhaps it’s not for her sake, but for his own mental health.
Do you have a secret that you really wish you could tell someone?
i had an ex who had sex with a Japanese prostitute. It was not a big deal to me at all.
Three things. Your girlfriend is no saint. Very few people are. Stop putting her on a pedestal. Guaranteed she’s taken of advantage of plenty of people prior to meeting you. She’s a1st world feminist for chrissakes. She has lots of privilege that she has abused. Secondly. Who said you exploited anyone? Despite what the Swedish want you to believe, most of the times prostitution is simply an exchange of power… as long as no minors are involved. You have money. She has beauty. You wanted more sex. She wanted more cash. Thirdly, to the Asian sex worker you’re probably just… Read more »
Why tell her at all?
Cosign. No need to tell your girlfriend, nor anyone else, every single flippin’ detail of your life. Men need some mystery in their lives, some stories that are reserved for telling in your nineties. If you can’t tell it in a way that you’re stoked about, if you can’t regale this story to someone with gusto, then you haven’t processed it enough to own it. Yes, you are ashamed now, but realize that you’d never ever do it again, but obviously the experience is what was needed. Take from it the good, leave the regret, own the story, but don’t… Read more »
That was my first question: How is this any of her business in the first place? If you feel like sharing such an experience would bring you closer, then go right ahead; it’s your relationship, your call.
But you have no _inherent_ obligation to tell your girlfriend all your history and all your secrets, any more than she has an obligation to tell you all of hers.
Because of her beliefs, he knows that this is something important to her. He knows that she would want to know. And, in a healthy relationship, that counts for something. If the only way that you know that your girlfriend will stay with you is to lie by omission, that’s not very good. It seems like the letter writer knows that he made a mistake. Unfortunately, mistakes have consequences and one of those could be that some women will not want to be with you. Telling her is indication that he respects her enough to make the choice that is… Read more »