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Whether it’s with your closest friends, spouse or partner, or a family member, if you wish to have happy, healthy relationships, listening is one of the most important skills you must master. It shows that you’re paying attention, that you care about what the other person has to say, and that you want to build a connection.
Unfortunately, many men struggle with listening effectively. They might be too focused on what they’re going to say next or they might be so wrapped up in their own thoughts that they don’t actually hear what the other person is saying.
If this sounds like you, don’t worry – there are things you can do to become a better listener and cultivate better relationships. Keep reading for some tips!
What’s the key to a successful relationship?
If you don’t have a healthy relationship now, or if you want to improve one that’s not as great as you’d like it to be, chances are communication is the key.
In romantic relationships, if your partner feels like they can’t talk to you, they won’t feel close to you. The more communicative partners are with each other—the more often they listen and respond thoughtfully—the better their relationships are.
Similarly, in platonic friendships, research has found that the friends who are best at listening to each other and providing support are the ones whose friendships last the longest.
Long-term relationship success, therefore, depends on strong communication. To make a relationship work, both parties must feel like they can express themselves openly and without judgment, and that their feelings and needs will be heard and valued.
For lasting relationships, it’s the little things that matter, and listening is one of the simplest yet most effective things you can do to ensure your relationships thrive.
Why is listening so important?
In order to build trust, both parties in a relationship need to feel like they’re being heard. If you’re not really listening to what the other person is saying—if you’re not paying attention, or if you’re interrupting them frequently—it’s difficult for them to feel like their thoughts and feelings matter to you.
On the other hand, being a good listener shows that you care about them and you’re interested in what they have to say. It’s also a sign of respect.
When you listen, you’re giving the other person your undivided attention and letting them know that they’re worth your time. This can be very rewarding for the person you’re talking to, and it can make them feel closer to you.
In addition, listening carefully can help you avoid misunderstandings and conflict. If you’re not really listening to what someone is saying, you’re more likely to misinterpret what they mean, which can lead to arguments.
Listening, therefore, is a key life skill that can not only improve your relationships but also make you a better friend, family member, and partner.
How to become a better listener
Now that you know why it’s important to listen, it’s time to learn how to do it effectively. Fortunately, listening is a skill that you can learn and improve with practice.
Here are our tips on how to become a better listener and improve your relationships:
1. Listen more than you talk.
You’ve probably heard this before, but it’s something that we all need to be reminded of because it’s so easy to get caught up in our own thoughts and feelings that we forget how important it is to listen to others.
The next time you’re in a conversation, make an effort to listen more than you talk. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t contribute to the conversation—just try to hold back and listen as much as you can.
Be a good listener first.
This will show the other person that you’re interested in hearing what they have to say, and it will give you a better understanding of their thoughts and feelings.
Listen to understand, not to reply.
A good listener doesn’t need to respond right away. In fact, it’s better if you don’t because it allows you time to process what was said before responding.
There is much more to listening than just hearing words.
When you listen to understand, you’ll notice all the details in what the other person is saying about their thoughts, feelings, experiences, and so on. This will help you to see things from their perspective and respond in a way that’s supportive and helpful.
Be an active listener.
Good listeners are also active listeners. Active listening means paying attention to body language, tone of voice, and other non-verbal cues. This helps you better understand how the other person feels about what they’re saying and makes it easier for you to respond appropriately.
2. Be in the moment.
Being in the moment means being fully engaged with what someone else is saying.
Stop your mind from wandering.
We’re all guilty of it. Our minds wander off or we get distracted by outside factors and the next thing we know, we’ve missed an entire conversation. To prevent this from happening, set a clear intention to focus on the interaction at hand before starting a conversation.
Be curious.
When you’re curious, you want to learn more. You want the other person to tell you their story. Your focus is on the conversation you’re having.
Ask questions like: “How did that happen?” or “What was it like?” This will encourage your loved one to share more of their thoughts and feelings with you.
Be open-minded.
It’s important to be aware of your own thoughts, emotions, and biases. If you can, try to set them aside when listening to someone else. This will help you avoid shutting down or getting defensive. It also allows you to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and understand where they are coming from.
3. Don’t interrupt.
You’ve probably noticed that when you’re talking to someone, they will often interject with their own thoughts or comments. That’s called interrupting, and it can cause problems in your relationships if you do it too much.
Avoid interrupting so others feel like they are being heard when they talk to you.
Don’t assume you know what the other person is going to say.
It’s easy to make assumptions about what other people think or want – we’re all guilty of it from time to time. But you need to be careful that your assumptions don’t get in the way of having a good conversation.
If you let your assumptions lead the conversation, you may miss out on some great opportunities to learn about the other person. Avoid making assumptions, and give the other person a chance to share their thoughts without interruption.
Don’t dominate the conversation.
One of the most important rules in conversation is not to dominate it. If you do, then the other person will feel like they have no say in what’s going on. If you want to keep a conversation going, let others have their say; don’t cut them off or finish their sentences for them.
Listen for meaning.
When you listen for meaning, you’re paying close attention to the other person’s words to understand what they mean. Ask clarifying questions when necessary. Listening for meaning requires some effort on your part but it will help ensure that you don’t miss anything important.
4. Try not to multitask.
When you are listening, try not to multitask. This means giving the person your full attention. That way, you can really focus on what they are saying.
Focus on the conversation.
If you’re too distracted at the moment, ask if you can talk at a later time. Let them know that it isn’t currently a good time but that you do want to talk when you can have some alone time with them and give them your full attention.
When you are speaking with someone, focus on them. Ask questions and listen carefully to their answers. Even if what they say seems obvious or unimportant, just listen. They are more likely to trust and feel closer to you if you show that you’re interested in what they have to say.
Get rid of distractions.
You may have heard about the “8-second rule,” which is the amount of time a person can hold attention before they start to lose focus. Given this limited attention span, if you want to stay focused on what someone is saying then get rid of distractions.
This means eliminating anything that might take your attention away from the conversation. If you are in a noisy environment, try to move to a quieter location. If you are trying to listen to someone on the phone, turn off the TV or any other noise in the background. You may also want to take off your watch so you’re not tempted to check the time.
Put your phone away.
When you are talking to someone in person, it is important to turn your phone off or put it away. This sends the message that you are interested in the conversation and that the person you are talking to is more important than whatever is happening on your phone.
5. Watch your body language.
Something that is easily overlooked is our body language. It is said that body language makes up over 70% of how we communicate, which means it plays a huge role in how effective (or ineffective) our communication is.
Pay attention to your posture.
If you are slumped in your chair with your arms crossed or with your eyes on your phone, it’s unlikely that the person speaking with you will feel heard or valued.
Avoid crossing your arms or legs, as this can make you appear closed off. Instead, sit up straight, look directly at them, and lean in slightly. This shows that you are engaged and interested in what they have to say.
Hold eye contact.
Eye contact is one of the best ways to show people that you’re listening. When you’re in conversation with someone, look at them directly in their eyes when they speak and hold your gaze for a few seconds after they stop talking. You can also use your eyes to show empathy and understanding.
Use facial expressions.
If you want to show that you understand how someone is feeling, try mirroring their facial expressions.
If they are smiling, you can smile back. If they are furrowing their brows, you can do the same. This will help create a connection with the person and make them feel like you understand them.
6. Watch what you say after they’ve finished sharing.
Once the person has finished speaking, it’s your turn to respond. Be careful not to blurt out the first thing that comes to your mind. Instead, take a moment to collect your thoughts so you can give a thoughtful response.
Avoid being defensive.
It can be easy to get defensive or frustrated if the person you’re talking with is saying something that rubs you the wrong way. It’s important to remember that they may not be trying to say anything at all and are simply sharing their thoughts and feelings with you. This means that even if what they’re saying doesn’t align with your beliefs, try not to judge them for it.
Voice your support instead of giving advice.
When you’re listening to someone, it’s tempting to offer advice. But if your friend or loved one has just opened up about something personal and vulnerable, anything that feels like judgment or criticism can be taken as an attack.
Instead of offering advice, try to let the person know that you support them. For example, you could say something like, “I’m so sorry that happened to you” or “Thank you for telling me.”
You can also let them know that you’re there for them if they need to talk more. For instance, you might say, “If you ever want to talk more about this, I’m here for you.”
Ask open-ended questions.
If you find yourself getting lost in conversation, try asking an open-ended question to get clarification. Open-ended questions encourage people to share more information than yes/no questions. They give people space to go on at length about what they’re talking about, which allows you to learn more.
For example, try asking one of these open-ended questions:
- “How do you feel about what happened?”
- “What did you learn from that experience?”
- “What would you like to see happen next?”
By asking questions, you signal that you’re interested in understanding the other person’s perspective. This will encourage them to keep talking to you.
7. Pay attention to how they feel and how you feel too.
When you listen, you need to pay particular attention to how the other person responds to what you say and how they are feeling as a result of your words. At the same time, you should also be aware of how you are feeling.
Take mental notes.
Take mental notes on what the other person is saying and how they are saying it. Try to tune into what they are feeling by observing their body language and facial expressions. If you can remember what they said and how they said it, you will be better equipped to respond less defensively and more empathetically.
Default to empathy.
If you can’t seem to get out of your own head, try defaulting to empathy. This means that instead of responding with your first instinct, take a step back and try to see things from the other person’s perspective.
Empathy is the ability to understand and share another person’s feelings. It’s what makes us human—and it’s also a critical component of effective listening.
When you default to empathy, you’re essentially saying, “I see that you’re in pain and I want to help.” This sends a much different message than, “I don’t know what you’re talking about” or “You’re overreacting.”
Be mindful of your own feelings.
Don’t forget to pay attention to your own feelings as well. If you start to feel defensive or angry, take a step back and try to understand why.
You may need to take a break or end the conversation if you find that you are getting too upset. The most important thing is to be honest with yourself about how you are feeling.
Effective communication relies on respecting each other’s feelings. If you or they can’t do that, it may be best to step away and come back when you’re both in a better place.
Conclusion
Good communication is the key to any lasting friendship or relationship. It is the ability to share your feelings and thoughts in a healthy way and to really listen to what the other person has to say.
Listening is more than just hearing the words that are being said. It is about understanding the message that is being conveyed and empathizing with the feelings of the person who is speaking.
When we are able to listen without jumping in with our own ideas or opinions, it shows others that we care about what they have to say. When both parties can openly communicate in this way, it creates a strong bond of trust and respect. This is what allows relationships to work through the challenges that inevitably arise.
So next time you are in a conversation, spend time listening — really listening — to what is being said. It could make all the difference in your relationship.
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