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and if it hasn’t changed then on what
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basis are you thinking is going to
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change in the future
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what we’re about to talk about
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can relate to anybody that
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you’re with who has consistently treated
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you poorly
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who has ignored your needs
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who has disregarded your happiness
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who has
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been gaslighting you for a long time
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lying to you breaking promises
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someone who consistently lets you down
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disappoints you
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I want to talk about how
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we come to trap ourselves in these
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situations
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and what it really requires
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for us to break free of them
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because
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the nature of what Dr Romney and other
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psychologists
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called the trauma Bond
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is that we can become
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imprisoned
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by that Bond
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and it can be
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extraordinarily difficult to break free
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from it
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and to finally release ourselves from a
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relationship like that
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and we should say that a relationship
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like that is
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tremendously detrimental to our mental
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health our well-being our self-esteem
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our quality of life
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it is a situation that is maddening
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it slowly erodes your confidence in
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yourself especially if your needs are
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ignored
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if you are
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gaslit over things that you would like
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to happen and told that it’s crazy for
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you to want those things or your high
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maintenance for wanting those things or
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that when someone tries to convince you
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that your version of reality is
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completely false
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it can
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it it can have the effect of you not
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knowing which way is up anymore you stop
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trusting yourself
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and of course when you’re with someone
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who constantly breaks their promises to
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you
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uh constantly lies to you
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and then if you catch them in the LIE
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makes it your fault somehow
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it makes us
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unable to see what the truth is
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anymore
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it divorces us from ourselves we start
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becoming somebody else we live a life of
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trying to manage this person we live a
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life of trying to read between the lines
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of what things this person is saying are
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true and which things are false so we
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pay a price for staying with someone
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like this
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I want to start by just talking about
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how we find ourselves in these
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situations
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and how one of the qualities that we
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like most about ourselves in other
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contexts can become our biggest enemy in
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the context of a relationship like this
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and that is our empathy
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we show a level of understanding about
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this person
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that allows them to get away with the
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same thing over and over again
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let’s talk about that for a moment when
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does empathy go too far
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well I was going to say if you’re with
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someone who
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if you’re taking care of them and making
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sure they’re okay
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and they’re taking care of themselves
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and making sure they’re okay
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who’s taking care of you you know it’s
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quite a common thing that you hear but
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in order to be there for other people
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your own cup has to be full and your
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priority in life should always be to
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make sure that you’re okay now that
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doesn’t mean that you have to put
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yourself first in every single situation
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and in fact you shouldn’t it’s really
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important to put other people first
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sometimes and to put those you love
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before you when they need you more than
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you need them in that moment
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But ultimately your empathy towards
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other people cannot come at the
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detriment of actually making sure you’re
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okay
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that’s when you’re you have to suspect
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yourself I think as to whether or not
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is it really empathy or are you just
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caught in a toxic cycle where it’s
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serving some kind of need for you well I
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think that that’s exactly right and we
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what happens is because we’re so close
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to this person
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we’ve heard all of their stories
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and people who are really good at
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mobilizing your empathy
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get very good at telling stories that
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make them sympathetic
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and
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by the way we all have things
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that we’ve been through in our lives
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that could have made us worse people or
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better people right everyone has things
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but
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there are certain people who are really
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good
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at
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taking their past and constructing a
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narrative that creates excuses for
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really bad behavior in the present and
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if you’re somebody who is truly
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empathetic
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and you’re prone to to feeling sad for
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people or seeing people as sympathetic
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then it can be quite easy for someone
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who’s manipulative to use their past as
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a way to mobilize your empathy and it
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could also happen in Reverse by the way
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if if they know that you pride yourself
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on being generous being kind being
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empathetic and then you start calling
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them out on their behavior and having
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more boundaries yeah they can then
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attack you for that and say oh and
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you’re supposed to be you see yourself
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as this empathetic person well right now
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you’ve got absolutely no care for what
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I’ve been through
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and what I the ways that I’m struggling
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and you’re always playing this
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empathetic character and yet right now
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you’re just abandoning me you know that
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now they can weaponize it in the other
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direction
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and get you feeling guilty that you
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haven’t been empathetic enough
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and it’s so interesting right because
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you
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it has no it knows no limit
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in terms of if you want to extend a
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sympathetic or a compassionate or kind
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of understanding lens towards a person
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you can do that with a serial killer you
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can say it’s not their fault they’re
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born this way they went through these
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different things in their childhood
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that’s why they ended up being
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aggressive and killing people and or
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even just they’re a psychopath they
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don’t feel empathy they’re not it’s not
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their fault they’re not born with that
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you can actually have compassion towards
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anyone for anything
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and the kind of
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what’s really interesting is The Duality
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between this over compassion you might
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extend towards somebody who treats you
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badly but this total lack of compassion
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you extend towards yourself as you put
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yourself repeatedly
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In Harm’s Way of that person and for
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some reason your well-being and the way
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that you feel isn’t being prioritized by
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you in the same way that you’re
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prioritizing being understanding towards
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them yeah I think Jack cornfield
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said something along the lines of your
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your compassion for people is incomplete
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if it doesn’t extend to yourself yeah I
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think that’s right I do think there’s a
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big difference between giving love to
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someone
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and having love for them
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and sacrificing yourself sacrificing
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your needs and I think a lot of people
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just conflate them together like if I
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love this person I will sacrifice my
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happiness to
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just fulfill whatever their thing is or
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help them because they’re whatever a
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narcissist an addict a different
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whatever but I do I think there’s a real
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difference between loving them
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and completely sacrificing yourself your
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happiness your well-being and and I
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think some people get addicted to that
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that role a bit the thing that scares me
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about empathy in the context of a
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relationship like this is
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it can really if that empathy becomes a
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proactive kind of forgiveness for that
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person and a forgiveness that leads to
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you constantly letting them back into
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your life not a distant forgiveness
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where you say I forgive you but I can’t
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have you near me
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there really is no limit to how far you
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can fall
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in that relationship
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as you say Audrey if you excuse them on
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every level that well it’s their past
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well even if it’s not their past it’s
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their genes it’s they can’t help it it’s
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just the way they’re built you can
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always find a justification and by the
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way those things are true
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they’re actually true
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but
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the danger of saying that’s true
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therefore I should forgive this person
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and be involved with them romantically
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that’s the that’s the non-sequitur and
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the danger of that is that if you
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continue to use your empathy as a as an
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excuse for forgiving someone and letting
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them back in there is no limit to the
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level of Destruction that someone can
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can uh
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impose on your life
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it you’re you’re letting them into the
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house where they can wreak havoc and you
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have to at a certain point say
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I cannot
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trust you
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I cannot trust you with my heart
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I cannot trust you with my time I cannot
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trust you with my energy I cannot trust
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you with my future
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and therefore I can’t let you in the
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house
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because if I let you in my house so to
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speak you will predictably wreak havoc
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so I can have a distant compassion for
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you
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but I cannot have a a kind of proactive
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close degree empathy
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where I constantly let you back in
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because you will destroy my life
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and I think part of what people struggle
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with is this
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this hope that this person will change
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that yes they’ve been terrible yes they
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are still wreaking havoc in my life yes
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they are still making me unhappy but if
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this one thing could change
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then we could actually be so happy I
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also think it’s a duality between the
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good and the bad times
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because I think if you’ve ever been with
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someone
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who is either a narcissist or
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narcissistically inclined or you know
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selfish or toxic or whatever you want to
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call it
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they’re not like that all the time at
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all but even in that I think there is
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embedded in that idea as a kind of hope
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the Hope For the Good Times to be more
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the hope that the bad times will start
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to be less of course I suppose what I
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mean is that um people who are like that
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are very good at being really really
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Charming so the good times feel
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better both because
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of the bad times being so bad that in
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contrast they feel better but also
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because they are so good at making life
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even better than a healthy person can
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because they’re not playing a role so
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people get addicted to the highs
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for sure because of that and that’s
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that’s then in turn very difficult
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because you’re almost turning your back
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on when you think about it rationally
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you end up feeling that you’re turning
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your back on the happiest moments of
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your life it’s just that they happen to
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come in conjunction with the most
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terrible moments of your life I mean
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when someone makes your life so
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miserable the good times don’t even have
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to be that good to feel like they’re
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incredible
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if you’re in the middle of the desert
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starving
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and someone puts like a Wendy’s
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cheeseburger in front of you oh that’s
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that’s ruining our chances of
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sponsorship for Wendy’s oh I I thought
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Jameson was going to say you know now
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you’re talking because I feel like
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that’s the kind of Jameson meal this is
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hurtful you love Taco Bell but I think
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Matt’s point is it could be Del Taco in
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the desert it could be something it
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could be something uh atrocious out
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there and it still feels like it’s
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better than let’s at least criticize a
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lesser brand like White Castle or
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something something smaller oh there
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goes White Castle
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no wait I think there is something
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really important in what you’re saying
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man which is actually like you can have
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um just a normal day finally after just
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a week-long fight with this person has
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been making her life miserable and you
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have one nice day where it’s like oh
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yeah we went and we had uh we had dinner
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together and no one fought and
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um the waiter wasn’t rude and suddenly
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ah I’m in love again you’re grateful for
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civility grateful for civility what a
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nice way to put it yeah what keeps
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people there whether it’s a hope for the
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next good time
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or whether it’s a hope for things to
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just fundamentally change
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that hope
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is the most misguided thing
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we have
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what I want you to think
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in terms of is empiricism
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empiricism is basing
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what I do or what I believe on what my
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actual experience of this person is
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have they ever truly changed in this
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area
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you may have experienced spikes of
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change after you had an argument or
14:14
after you threatened to leave but if
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ultimately it just always returned to
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the same Baseline then you know that
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those changes weren’t real they were
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just a tactic more of a manipulation
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empirically you have to ask yourself
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has this person ever changed or has this
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been a repeatable pattern throughout my
14:35
relationship with this person and if I’m
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still talking about it now with my
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friends with a therapist if I’m still
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rooming about ruminating about it
14:43
constantly then it’s still happening and
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the answer is no it has not changed
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and if it hasn’t changed then on what
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basis are you thinking is going to
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change in the future
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and the truth is if you really relate to
15:03
this episode right now
15:05
you’ve probably been through every kind
15:07
of emotion with this person there is
15:08
you’ve cried
15:10
you’ve been angry
15:12
you’ve been depressed
15:15
you’ve been guilty
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you’ve been frantic
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you’ve despaired
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you’ve been through everything you can
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go through with this person you’ve
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begged for change
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what
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emotion
15:36
have you kept up your sleeve
15:38
that you’re going to bring out next year
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that’s suddenly going to change this
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person I have to know
15:45
if you’re telling yourself that they’re
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going to change what’s the reaction that
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that all this time you’ve been storing
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to suddenly get a different result
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because the chances are you’ve already
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cycled through all of them many times
16:04
you have to assume that this person is
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never going to change
16:10
because the stakes are way too high
16:15
what are the stakes
16:18
you don’t get your time back again
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so staking your life
16:25
and your happiness on the idea that this
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person who has never changed will one
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day change is just about the worst bet
16:33
that you can make
16:34
and I just it makes me really emotional
16:37
just hearing you talk about it because I
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just think of the amount of people who
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are currently stuck
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and I think the word really is just
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stuck in the quick sound
16:48
of that kind of relationship and how
16:52
how much it just destroys people
16:55
because it destroys their confidence it
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destroys their self-worth it destroys it
17:00
warps reality as you said in a way where
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they just feel
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like they don’t even know which way is
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up anymore
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and you end up having no
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kind of bearing on what a proper
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relationship should feel like and a
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proper connection and being treated with
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respect and having your needs met you
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forget you lose sight of what that even
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feels like just look how much empathy
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Audrey has see how dangerous it is well
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it’s interesting you say that Jay
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because do you remember there was that
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book I think it was Paul Bloom who wrote
17:31
that book against empathy or the case I
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was just about to reference that yeah
17:36
which is about the reference problem he
17:38
literally wrote a book called against
17:39
empathy
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because it is he’s trying to call out
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the fact that it is actually a baser
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emotion
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the same way like anger is just a baser
17:51
emotional reaction he argues for
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irrational compassion which is very
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similar to what you’re saying with this
17:58
distant compassion which is
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you realize you understand
18:02
intellectually what happened in that
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person’s past to explain it
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but you don’t take that extra step of
18:10
like well just because it explains it
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doesn’t excuse it and doesn’t mean that
18:13
I have to emotionally invest in this
18:17
situation or their of their past you can
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take a step back and understand without
18:24
needing to go that extra emotional
18:26
Journey just intellectually understand
18:28
it rationally have compassion for their
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situation you don’t have to make it your
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situation yeah as you were saying that I
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was thinking just because it explains it
18:37
it doesn’t mean you have to choose it oh
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yeah or justify it
18:41
let me know what you think about this in
18:43
the comments don’t forget to like
18:44
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so you don’t miss the next video I also
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want to tell you that from the 11th to
18:51
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18:53
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18:55
this video and you’re realizing this is
18:57
the deepest stuff that I need I hope you
18:59
come and join us the link is
19:02
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19:04
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—
This post was previously published on YouTube.
***
From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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