I could see my cousin Lauren’s phone blowing up as we shared a bottle of wine. There were too many notifications to fit the lock screen. She dismissed countless Instagram DMs, text messages, missed calls, Bumble notifications, and Facebook requests as we searched the Internet for the best bars in San Diego. When we used her phone for GPS, I swiped thirteen more notifications.
“How do you do it?” I finally asked her.
“Do what?”
“Get all these people to chase after you like this?”
“I don’t know,” she hesitated, “I’ve never really thought about it before.”
And that, my friends, is the secret.
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Stop overthinking it
People try way too hard to play hard to get. It’s a mindset, not a motive. Even after spending the entire weekend together, Lo never mentioned anyone she was interested in. And yet she had the entire population of California pursuing her. “Actually that one’s from Boston.”
That’s an imbalance of energy, wanting what you can’t have. But here’s the irony. We usually get what we want as soon as we stop pining over it. If you have to ask your friend what to say in a message, you’re doing it wrong. If you’re purposely waiting an extra hour to send a text, you’re trying too hard.
Dating isn’t a game. If you treat it like one, you’re bound to lose.
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Be less available or in other words, get a life
Not to be rude, but we all need one. It’s true what they say, idle hands make the devil’s work. There’s nothing more dangerous or unattractive than someone with too much time on their hands. Take exhibit A, for example, the insistent texter.
I had fun last night, we should do it again sometime. Sent 9:43 pm
I’d love to see you again. What are you doing Saturday? Sent 9:56 pm
There’s a band playing in town I think you’d like 🙂 Sent 10:01 pm
Band starts at 8, let me know. Will invite someone else if not. Sent 10:42 pm
Are you getting my texts? My phone has been weird LOL Sent 11:05 pm
You must be asleep, you lazy bum. Txt me tomorrow 🙂 Sent 11:52 pm
Gnight 😉 Sent 1:06 am
You might as well have the word DESPERATE plastered across your face. I get it. You’re trying to be nice but yikes, this is a huge red flag. Chances are, you won’t be getting a response. Why? Because you don’t need one. You just had a full-blown conversation with yourself.
With that said, don’t be unavailable just for the sake of seeming unavailable. Do it for you. People with their own hobbies and passions are not only more attractive, they’re more interesting.
Now, on the flip side, you can’t get offended if someone you’re trying to pursue has a life of their own. There’s a good chance you like them so much because they haven’t called you back.
It’s the mystery, the chase. A busy person wants a busy partner and vice versa. If you have your own separate lives, you become an equal part of one another’s. And balance is beautiful.
Having a life is also key to protecting your heart and knowing how to leverage a painful breakup into something life-changing.
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Project an aura of confidence and infect people with your positivity
It’s not blonde hair that makes a person more fun, it’s confidence.
Lauren is infectious, and a brunette. She feeds off spontaneity. She’s the kind of person everyone wants to be around. She doesn’t waste time thinking about people that aren’t around. She lives in the moment.
Her carefree nature is what makes people fall in love with her so easily. She’s what we all want to be. Fun, sociable, confident. Even I hang out with Lo hoping that her optimism might brush off on me.
Self-confidence helps people nail their dream jobs every day. The same goes for relationships. Confidence is on the top of the checklist when it comes to characteristics people seek in a partner. It helps you raise your standards and attract genuine people into your life.
When you evoke positive energy, the law of attraction takes over.
When you attract the right person, you’re less likely to get heartbroken. Even if you do, you’ll have the confidence to navigate it gracefully.
This attitude is the same reason why Lauren has never had a broken heart. She doesn’t realize it but she holds the power in all of her relationships. She’s also the first person to tell you just how many fish in the sea there are. Most of them are still waiting for her to throw out a line.
…
Stop playing, period
Playing hard to get is a mindset, not a game. It requires less time and energy than you think. If you’re truly skilled, it won’t require any time or energy at all. As soon as you stop playing, as soon as you stop trying so hard, dating will get easier. I guarantee it.
People like my cousin can be intimidating. But there’s nothing that separates Lauren from the rest of us. Her beauty beams out of her smile. The allure is in her energy. Her greatest quality is how good she makes you feel.
She’s not a goddess, though I’ve seen people treat her like one. Once they get to know her though, they realize she’s only human. Lauren has flaws and she’s not afraid to joke about them to make you laugh.
She’s not unobtainable. She’s just a little hard to get.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Andre Hunter on Unsplash