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Do you believe the basics of everything around us has changed since the digital era hit us? Be it the way we order things online or even something as complex as relationships, they have had a hit. It’s again a matter of perspective that would vary from person to person. Most would still agree that the major changes have mostly done well to the human kind than worsen things for it. If you look closely, the intricate details in human emotions haven’t changed much. In times when relationships are already expiring, some have managed to still stay the same. The sanctity of a mother and her child’s relationship, the warmth of a good friendship, are a few that haven’t changed with the intrusion of technology. You will still feel bothered when a family member or a friend is in distress, no amount of technology can take that away.
For some reasons that are beyond human comprehension, there is a big rise in failures of relationships lately. There could possibly be two logical explanations to it. The first being, there were unhappy relationships in the past too but weren’t reported. The second reason could be because of how fast our lives have gotten putting relationships in the backseat. In either case, a separation is never a convenient process for either side. It can lead to a lot of emotional and financial trauma. So what is to be done to help someone through a separation? How do you tell a friend that his/her relationship is expiring already? Even though we assume we are equipped to be of help in such times, we mostly aren’t. Its only after the accident, that we realize the importance of preparing ourselves diligently earlier.
Here are 7 tips that have helped me comfort my friends going through a separation-
1. Help them with their household chores-
This might not seem like a lot but would mean a lot to someone who is fighting anxiety. The friend’s mind is already too occupied with the separation, but the chores wouldn’t stop. Take the initiative together drop by or for arranging a help who could take care of the daily chores for a couple of days initially. Having a messy house or a stinky bathroom, are small triggers that will make the person irritated and break down easily. Remember, a good environment gives rise to better thoughts. This will also allow them to sort out their thoughts faster and conveniently.
2. Be available for them without them asking for it-
As mentioned earlier, the friend in question is already running a thousand thoughts parallelly. Try to put yourself in their shoes and understand that they are adjusting to a major shift in their lives. The complete structure has been shaken, only to be reconstructed again. Allow them the liberty to think and jump in without them asking for help. The friend needs a lot of help presently to get back on her feet. Any help that comes to your mind would be appreciated. It could be as simple as fixing a playdate for his/her kids or just folding their laundry. Understand that they are already too broken to ask for more.
3. Drop by during meal times and help them meal prep-
Food is one of the most neglected aspects when someone’s mind is in turmoil. Even though it plays a big role in how you process things, it’s taken for granted. An empty stomach can only make a person more depressed or agitated. Instead of asking over a call, which is good too, drop by at their homes during mealtimes. Fixing a meal will help them take their mind off. Cook along with them and keep the jokes flowing. Allow them the time to think but remember to keep them healthy.
4. Listen to them talk-
Times like these are confusing and frustrating. Chances are high, your friend has a lot of questions s/he wants to be answered. It doesn’t have to be wrong or right, what matters is someone else is listening to them. The feeling of letting go of their thoughts can be extremely calming for them. Allow them to speak, don’t interrupt and help them in any way possible.
5. Understand the separation process and help in appointments-
Separations are not only about emotional breakdowns but much more. There is a lot of financial, physical stress attached to it too. Read online about how separations happen. See if you can help her/him find a lawyer who could help. Divorces or separations are not always about justice but about splitting the marital assets equally. When the case takes longer to fight, chances are, the lawyer’s bills will add up to a lot, leaving much less for your friend. Understand how you could fit in the scenario as a help and offer advice that is wise.
6. Be a matchmaker and remember not to be judgmental-
Even as a friend you should understand that the void in their life can’t be filled by just a good friend. Gradually your friend would need companionship. Play a matchmaker for your friend. Fix up dates for them and encourage them to go out and socialize. Chances are high, that your friend is already quite skeptical about relationships by now. It’s obvious for them to be fussy. Don’t judge them or force them to anything. Let them take their own time to get back. Make dating an easier process for them, make them believe in its beauty again. Encourage them to keep their options open. Who knows when s/he would need a civil celebrant to customize their wedding? This will all happen only when they are in a positive mindset.
7. Help them get back on their feet financially-
Talk to their colleagues at their present job to check the scenario. See if things are under control. Separations can be extremely costly and can shake things off balance for the initial periods. Help your friend look out for jobs that suit her profile. Encourage them to take side jobs that will help her stay busy and also help her financially.
8. Remember to treat them normally and don’t be pitiful-
Yes, they are going through a tough time themselves, but they don’t need a lot of pity. Your job as a friend is to make them feel comfortable. Talk about your own life and what’s happening at your work etc. This can be a big mood shifter for them. This will allow them to change their thoughts for a brief while. They wouldn’t appreciate treated any different or treated pitifully.
Apart from all these points, what’s important is to be available. Be it over a phone call or a coffee date, the feeling of being valued is what they are missing right now.
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