Arguing is a natural element of relationships, but we are never fully prepared for it.
No one teaches you how to argue correctly. You learn it the hard way — by failing. A lot. What makes arguing so complex is our emotions. Understanding how we feel and put it into words is not simple.
As a result, most arguments are impulsive and don’t address the true root of the problem.
Last week, my boyfriend and I had a massive argument. Jonathan made plans to game with his friends all day on Saturday. So far, no problem. Except I wanted to clean the house — we usually do it on the weekends, so it’s out of the way.
I felt like Jonathan left all the hard work for me while he gamed.
Instead of telling him, I cleaned the house quietly. As he laughed and strategized with his friends, I did the dishes, the laundry and cleaned the floor. With every hour, I grew more frustrated.
Until it reached a point that was beyond me.
At night, Jonathan and I had a heated discussion. On the one hand, I argued that I’d done everything alone. On the other hand, he argued that I should’ve said something sooner.
It got emotional and, before I knew it, I was screaming at him.
Jonathan got offended — with reason. I had let my emotions take the best of me. That night, I couldn’t sleep properly. Now, it wasn’t my anger keeping me awake; it was my guilt.
When I woke up, I knew I had to apologize.
I hated it. Apologizing makes us vulnerable. It’s a way to admit you’re wrong — and nobody likes to be wrong. And yet, if you’re in a serious relationship, chances are you’ll have to apologize to your partner eventually.
If you go through this situation, here’s the mindset to overcome it:
You are your worst judge.
We tend to be more demanding with ourselves than with others.
Many times, the hardest part of apologizing is not to receive forgiveness from the person we hurt.
Instead, the challenge is to understand and process our mistakes. We know we are not perfect.
But having concrete evidence of our imperfection hurts our ego.
Think of the last time someone did you wrong. Although it’s not a pleasant situation, I’m guessing you were more than willing to forgive them. If other people don’t judge you harshly, neither should you.
Take a different approach. Next time you have to apologize, think of the opposite scenario. How would you react if your partner apologized to you? Was the mistake truly unforgivable?
Putting someone we love in our situations gives us a different perspective, making us kinder to ourselves.
Embrace your mistakes.
Similar to apologizing, making mistakes is a natural part of life. The sooner you’re comfortable with them, the better.
Chances are you’ll be wrong on many occasions — in work, your hobbies, your friendships, and your relationship. So instead of avoiding mistakes, use them in your favor.
Mistakes are valuable information on what works and what doesn’t.
Although my mistake with Jonathan wasn’t too terrible, it says a lot about me. First, I should control my emotions during stressful situations. Secondly, I should speak up when I’m dissatisfied — and not let the problem grow.
Reflecting on my mistakes is uncomfortable, but it makes me a better lover overall.
Do you expect your partner to be perfect? I’m guessing not. Well, chances are they don’t expect this from you either.
Think of the bigger picture.
Let me get this out of the way: apologizing sucks. However, there’s a lot to gain from it.
If you distance yourself from the situation and think a few years ahead, apologizing is almost meaningless.
In relationships, thinking of the long-term is crucial. Love is about dreaming and making plans together. Finding a healthy relationship is almost like finding gold these days — it requires hard work and luck.
And even healthy relationships will face troubles. So love is about moving forward, despite the challenges.
Sometimes, apologizing means you’ll get to keep your relationship. When put into perspective, the disagreements are not that significant. They are nothing compared to sharing your life with someone you love.
Don’t let your pride ruin that.
…
Hurting someone we love feels like a punch in the stomach. And yet, apologizing is never simple. It means you put your ego on the side. But it is also a sign of maturity. In the end, nobody expects you to be perfect, so don’t be so harsh on yourself.
Luckily, Jonathan and I worked things out after I apologized. We had a long conversation and analyzed the true causes of the issue — so that we could work on them. And that’s what relationships are about. It’s not about being perfect. Instead, it’s about being willing to grow together.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often | Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | ..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything |
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.