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Real quick. Let me make something clear. Writing this article doesn’t mean I don’t find my girlfriend beautiful. Her beauty is rich and deep with a thousand layers that I could live in. And I’m discovering new ones each day. But this article is not about that.
This article is about the difference between finding someone attractive and choosing to love someone.
I know so many who believe if your partner finds someone else attractive, that means he or she isn’t attracted to you or loves you anymore.
That difference between finding someone attractive and choosing to love someone is day and night. Apples and grapefruit. It’s Grand Canyon huge. Like the difference between having suicidal thoughts and actually taking the steps to end your life. We have all had suicidal thoughts. But how many of us have actually tried?
Many get jealous and possessive if they discover their partner finds someone else attractive. I hate to break it to you but your partner has. Or does. And will. As long as she can breathe and see, it has happened. Scratch the vision. If she’s breathing, she has found someone attractive who is not you.
Your boyfriend has noticed other women. He may have not announced it but he has. But that doesn’t mean he wants to build something with her. It doesn’t mean he wants to do daily life with her. And it has nothing to do with how much he loves you and is attracted to you.
There are billions of people on this planet. Do you think you’re the only one your partner finds attractive? You may be the only one your partner chooses to love, but to see beauty in others is called being human.
We need to stop denying the fact that we find other people attractive. It’s this denying that creates guilt and shame. The judgment we put on ourselves or on our partner for noticing a quality in someone else, whether it be a mind or a pretty face, is wrong. And damaging. That judgment stems from insecurity and amplifies them until they become a virus that infects the relationship. It’s this denial that makes us drift and not stay present with the person we choose to love.
So I’m writing this to let you know that it’s okay to find others attractive. If no one has told you that, I’m telling you right now. That day you masturbated to a fantasy of that random stranger on the train, your UPS guy, or the younger Mark Wahlberg when he called himself Marky Mark, is okay! It’s not real. You played a quick movie in your head. Hopefully, you’re also playing fantasies about your partner as well. More than less.
My girlfriend noticing another man’s humor, gifts, or pecs doesn’t make her a cheater. Or wrong. Or a slut. Or not into me. It makes her a real person. And her being real is what makes me connected and attracted to her.
Yeah, but if you allow it, it will turn into something!
First, your partner is not your dog or child so there is no allowing involved here. Second, the dangerous drift you are so afraid of is not about the attraction. It’s about the intention. If she has none, there is nothing there but a human being.
Intention is the deciding factor. If your boyfriend allows himself to have feelings for someone, that is different. Advertising yourself as single is different, assuming you are in a monogamous relationship. Lying is different. Leading someone on is different. Creating connection whether emotional or physical is different. Then a conversation is in order.
But I’m not referring to people who are in stale or unfulfilling relationships and have been drifting for years. I’m not talking about people who are looking over the fence because there are problems, infidelity, and emotional disconnect. I’m not talking about people who are checked out of their relationship and are window shopping. Noticing means you’re human. Going into the store to try on outfits means you’re actively seeking. You are searching for someone new. Whether you want to admit it or not.
Assuming your relationship is solid. Assuming the sex and intimacy is strong, and you love your partner and everything about the relationship. But if the thought of your partner noticing someone or finding someone attractive creates a shit ton of anxiety and makes you question if you should even be with her,
Here’s what you need to know.
Attraction is two dimensional.
It’s a glance. A noticing. An observation. An image. A picture. A commercial. And these days, a filter. It’s real but it’s not. It’s fleeting. Because there will always be someone prettier, sexier, funnier, richer, with cooler hair or pants or whatever floats your boat. Attraction is sugar.
A relationship is multi-dimensional.
There is a falling. A deepening. There is a spiritual piece to deep human connection and it becomes greater than its parts. A relationship is not a commercial. It’s the actual show. Protein. Life. You care about the person. You care about her dreams. You want the best for this person. You want her to be happy. And as you choose to love, a relationship is built. Like a child is born. Then it takes work. Lots of hard hard work. And you build and grow and discover, layer after layer. Doing life together. Without owning each other. But only holding. Noticing together. There is a responsibility. An earning involved.
Love has many many layers.
Attraction is two dimensional.
Love has substance.
Attraction is just shine.
Love is earned and built.
Attraction is not.
- Angry
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This post was originally published on Medium and is republished with permission from the author.
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