A man wonders if he should de-friend his ex-girlfriend in order to spare her feelings.
Dear Sexes: My girlfriend and I just broke up because she had a problem with how many girls like me. I know, I know, I sound like a pretentious douchebag, but I am a musician and it’s sort of the nature of the job. I really value honesty and have ALWAYS been true to her. She couldn’t stand the pics with fans, or even with my female friends, that show up on my facebook, and HATED the way girls come on to me so openly after shows. Now that we’re broken up, I’m wondering if I should de-friend her on Facebook? It’s just going to get her mad to see me happy or with girls. I don’t want to hide anything, I don’t live my life like that. What should I do?
She Said: Sounds like it’s best you two split. If you can’t trust one another, you’re only going to get mired in guilt and resentment on both sides. She needs to find some security within herself before she’s able to truly trust anyone.
As for Facebook, I would either let her defriend you herself or limit the content that people can put on your wall. I know you don’t want to change anything because of her, and I wouldn’t suggest it if you were still together. In this case, you need to have compassion for the pain she’s in and just keep a low profile for a few weeks.
Here’s how you can keep her from seeing what others post on your wall (this is from the Facebook privacy settings FAQ):
1. Go the Account menu at the top right corner of Facebook and choose Privacy Settings.
2. Next to the How You Connect heading, click Edit Settings.
3. Use the audience selector to choose “Who can see posts by others on your profile (timeline)?”
Note: People you restrict from seeing posts from others will not be able to post to your Wall (timeline).”
If she asks, and hopefully she won’t, just explain that you wanted to keep the whole world from seeing your wall posts. Remember at this phase of the break-up she might be scrambling for reasons to be mad at you, to make you hurt, or even to try to get back together. If you approach this Facebook thing with compassion for how she’s feeling, then you’ve done your best, no matter how mad she may get. Don’t play into it, your job is just to heal and move on!
I also want to give you encouragement about women. There are women in the world who are secure enough to trust in your fidelity and stand by you through thick and thin. One of my best friends is married to a famous actor over whom women go bananas. I mean ba-na-nas! They’ve been together a very long time and have a strong marriage. My friend loves the fact that so many women love him, she’s proud of him! Because she trusts him, and he is trustworthy, they’ve had a great life together.
There is a woman is out there who will know that you’re true. Have faith!
He Said: Ahhhh! The lifelong question: To de-friend or not to de-friend? It is a question young minds have been asking for years, and one they will continue to ask for years to come! At least, until a better social networking website comes along.
Be careful with the Facebook de-friend my friend! It’s really quite a severe choice. Just as we save the death penalty (in the USA) for only the most severe and horrific offenders, you should really only de-friend people (on Facebook) who have no hope of rehabilitation.
Besides, haven’t you already de-friended your (ex)girlfriend in real-life? Isn’t real-life good enough? You broke up with her. She’s distraught, angry, and confused. Do you really need to add insult to injury and Facebook de-friend her?! It’s noble that you want to protect her from herself, and keep her from seeing things that could hurt her on Facebook, but you don’t really owe her that “courtesy”. It sounds like you two split, mostly because she is insecure – not because she is a terrible, horrible person, full of malice and hatred. If anything, it sounds like she needs a bucket of self-esteem for her birthday. If YOU now despise HER, then go ahead! Go “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” on her, and erase her from all of your memories. Otherwise, save your Facebook de-friend for the next serial-killer you make friends with.
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Originally published at SheSaidHeSaid.