Number 16 in a series.
What do you think of people who commit adultery?
Infidelity makes for great soap opera dramas. The aggrieved partner is the victim who cries, threatens, whines, throws things, leaves in a self-righteous huff, complains to friends, or seeks comfort from family and friends. While the “guilty” party gets his or her richly deserved punishment.
In real life, even those who have never experienced infidelity tend to worry about it and attempt to protect against it happening. The beliefs and fears that get touched off typically lead to an open and shut case that leaves no room for the compassion and desire to learn that comes from an open heart. With all the strong feelings that surround infidelity, it’s almost guaranteed that looking at it from a heart-connection perspective will bring up lots of difficult feelings. But, here goes.
I believe that every relationship operates within a system that all participants have a part in creating. That means that each of us is responsible for our part of the system and we each have responsibility in every situation. There are no innocent victims and there are no bad guys or gals. When heart-connected, in addition to wanting to understand more about my partner I, most importantly, want to learn about my part in the problem.
With the openness and compassion of a heart connection, infidelity is a wake-up call. Getting down to seriously understanding why this breach of trust occurred, becomes an opportunity to learn important things about one’s partner and the relationship.
Infidelity touches deeply into some of our worst fears. Should you ever be faced with it, respecting that fact will help you gingerly put your toe in the water and hopefully, extract from it what there is to learn.
The following questions reflect just a few of the important lessons that can be learned by the unfaithful partner:
- What were the fears that kept me from being openly honest about my feelings and behavior?
- What is my part in creating the blocks in communication that led to not discussing this?
- What do I need to do to improve the communication between us?
- What did I learn about my sexuality from having the affair?
- What have I learned about the sexual relationship between me and my partner?
- What is there for me to learn regarding connecting and disconnecting from my heart?
- What beliefs are getting in the way of forgiving myself?
The following questions reflect just a few of the important lessons that can be learned by the other partner:
- What signs that something important was not being discussed did I ignore?
- How have my beliefs about fidelity and exclusivity contributed to the situation?
- What have I learned about my need to try and control my partner?
- What is there to learn about our sexual relationship?
- What is my part in the block in communication that led to not discussing this?
- What do I need to do to improve the communication in our relationship?
- What beliefs are getting in the way of forgiving myself?
- What beliefs are getting in the way of forgiving my partner?
Whether or not you’ve ever been involved in the experience of infidelity, this blog may have been as hard for you to read as it was for me to write. If you think this was hard then forgiveness, the most challenging aspect of the learning journey and the subject of the next post, might be even harder. But, it’s worth it.
For Your Journey
- What are your thoughts and feelings after considering the idea presented here and the questions that are listed?
- How do the systems in your most important relationships operate and affect those relationships?
- Share-it-Forward. Discuss the system you have created with the person you have created it with and how it is affecting your relationship.
First in the Series: From Head to Heart
Next Week: # 17 – Compassionate Forgiveness Lies Beyond Absolution.
BECOMING YOUR OWN HERO illuminates a path available to us all to attain the kind of personal power demonstrated by our most revered and inspirational heroes. Marianne Williamson, #1 New York Times best-selling author said, “I highly recommend this illuminating and touching look into the possibilities of staying connected to our hearts, even when facing difficult situations.”
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Photo:/Flickr-Matthew Hoelscher
Tons of relevant information here. However, I don’t think there are enough couples, or even singles, who are taking infidelity under consideration before they invest in their committed relationships. There needs to be more in the way of serious conversation, which in turn leads to prevention.
Infidelity is becoming normalized: time to switch up the status quo. I’m doing my part (wrote a book re: infidelity prevention), hopefully others are too. Yes, let’s definitely continue the dialogue!
Finding out your partner is a cheater and trying to over coming the issues is never easy..facing up and discussing for many is often be a big problem!