“He’s never stopped,” Kat said, avoiding my eyes, trying to hide the embarrassment that filled the space between us. I was tempted to ask, “Why are you still with him after all these years?” But the wisdom of being a woman told me otherwise. So I chose silence and put my hand on hers.
The school of life has taught me that it’s easier to give advice when you’re not on the receiving end. I’ve also learned that once you’ve said what you need to, it should be enough. Hammering it doesn’t mean someone will buy into it. At the end, people will do what they need to when they feel ready.
On my way home, a cloud of sadness hovered over my head. This beautiful, smart, and incredibly talented woman had settled for less than she deserved. The truth? Kat is not the only one.
“Just because you love someone, doesn’t mean you have to be involved with them. Love is not a bandage to cover wounds.” ― Hugh Elliot
Ladies entangled with the wrong dudes, living a life less than they deserve, are everywhere. Deep down, they know it, and they’ve become masters at nursing the pain lodged within them, having lost the battle for their happiness and fulfillment. It makes me so sad when I see a woman whose smile won’t reach the eyes because she’s unfulfilled.
I’ve been her. I was once that person who tried to fake happiness and normalcy when all that was brewing inside me was regret for the past and uncertainty for the future. But what makes my heart bleed more is the little girl in every woman (because every woman has a little girl inside her.)
You see, the little girl grows believing she deserves to be loved right. To be treated well. To be treasured highly. But age, circumstances, and society force ladies to make choices that silence and overshadow the little girl.
How does one silence her, you ask?
You silence her each time you see him walk through the door, and something feels off, yet you ignore the nudge that tells you that he’s been elsewhere. You silence her every time he slaps you, and you don’t utter a word. (If he slaps you once, he’ll do it again). You silence her when he humiliates you in public, and you look the other way.
Then there’s religion. You know you should pack up and leave but don’t because religion abhors divorce — and you wouldn’t know what to tell the church. This was a big one for me. Being born again and raised in very strong religious circles, it was incredibly tough to end my marriage.
I had to choose between how my church would perceive me as a divorcee and how I would face myself at 80 if I ever allowed myself to be shackled by the fear. Thankfully, deep down, I knew God is love, and He didn’t put me here to suffer. I’m eternally grateful I made the right choice.
Focus on Who You Can Be, Not Who You Are.
So, why do we settle for a life of pain and regret when we’re too smart and too valuable to do so? Why do we stay with men who break us little by little even though we crave someone who adds happiness to our lives? One reason for this is that ladies see themselves as they are, rather than as they could be.
The best advice a friend gave me many years ago when my marriage was crumbling was this; “Next year, a time like this, you’ll be a different person.” This has to be the most liberating, most reassuring, most confidence-inspiring advice anyone has ever given me. It shifted my perspective, taking my eyes off who I was at the time to what I could be. Visualizing what could be, numbed my pain.
When you see yourself not as the abused, broken, victimized, and an unloved woman you are today, but as the emotionally strong, resilient, lovable, confident woman you could be a year from now, something has to snap on the inside. You’ll start to rise from the rubble of self-pity. You’ll start to find innovative ways to change your life.
Know Thyself.
“He who knows others is wise; he who knows himself is enlightened.” ― Lao Tzu
To see yourself for what you can be, you must acknowledge what you have. Because standing in the middle of a storm blinds our eyes, every woman needs to know herself to a T. The greatest discovery in life is to discover the treasure within you. Every good quality, every beautiful aspect, every useful skill, every unique strength, every little potential.
Knowing yourself is the most significant gift you can give yourself; it’s the most powerful weapon you can arm yourself with. Yet, we often forget this and focus on our imperfections instead. And, of course, it doesn’t help that most men capitalize on a woman’s flaw. Some even use them as a scapegoat for their misdemeanors.
Many ladies sabotage themselves by focusing on their faults. Like the parts of their bodies they think aren’t ideal (Which is a big lie, by the way), Or the skills they’re not good at, or the mistakes they made in the past. Sure, we all have elements that aren’t what we’d want them to be, but nothing stops us from improving them.
Other women are in dead relationships because they’re still haunted by the ghosts from their pasts, like my pal Kat. Raised by a single mom, Kat’s idea of a perfect family meant having a daddy around. She was never going to raise her kids any other way except with a man by her side. This mattered above all else.
And, of course, growing up without a male figure meant she didn’t have the right model. So when her husband became a serial cheater, she looked the other way.
Loving Him Doesn’t Make Him Good for You.
Just because your emotions, a ticking biological clock, and society are pressuring you into being with him doesn’t make him right for you. You have to train yourself to use logic to override your emotions, and yes, Siz, I know it ain’t easy, but it’s the best form of self-love you can give yourself.
Emotions and feelings are deceiving, and hinging on the wrong ones can give you the future you don’t want. There’s more to love than a handsome face and a sexy body. Real love requires depth. It needs to be built on a strong foundation of dependability, maturity, and support.
There are many other factors, but these three can guarantee that your relationship defies whatever life throws at you. Just because you love him doesn’t make him suitable for you. You’ve got to dig a little deeper than that.
“What’s Missing?”
I believe that asking yourself “What’s missing?” is one of the most important questions you can ask as you navigate or enter into a relationship. Too often, your mind skips the idea that something is missing and jumps straight to the conclusion that something is plain wrong.
Most of us aren’t as damaged as we think we are. We’ve just not identified what’s missing within us. A lot can be solved when we recognize that crucial part of us that’s missing. For example, after a while, you can start to feel anxious in your relationship, you might think you’ve made a mistake by settling for your lover.
Yet, it could be that you feel this way because you do not satisfy your deep, personal desires.
Whenever I feel myself teetering on the edge of discontentment, I know it’s time to immerse myself in some alone time. I derive energy from solitude. And although I enjoy being with the mister, I’ve learned that fuelling my inner reserves makes me a better partner. And I don’t have to depend on him to make me happy or fulfilled.
Until you know what’s missing, you’ll never feel whole or content with yourself or your relationship.
So What’s the Point of This Piece?
It’s a heart-to-heart conversation from one lady to another, reminding you of the importance of knowing yourself well before you enter into a relationship. It’s to remind you that you don’t have to settle for someone who breaks you because you deserve better.
It’s to remind you that you’re indebted to give the little girl within you the love she knows she deserves. It’s to nudge you to learn who you are and celebrate your strengths and competencies — every day. Highlight them more than you do your flaws. Most importantly, every so often, ask yourself, “What’s missing?”
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Previously published on medium
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