Public Service Announcement: Honesty isn’t the best policy.
Especially if you’re a bully.
There are way too many factors to consider before you spew out what you claim is just the truth and then sheepishly apologize with “I’m sorry, but you want me to be honest, don’t you?”
Sly move, bully.
If you are a bully, and you know who you are, sit back and relax.
There are some things you may want to know on behalf of the victims of your “truthful” parlance that may help you identify when being honest doesn’t feel like the soothing salve you think it is.
A sly insult
Have you ever heard, or God forbid been the recipient of, a shrouded compliment?
They look something like this:
I love how you will just wear anything!
Good for you for not worrying about style trends!
I wish I could be like you and not worry so much about making it to the gym.
We see what you’re doing, bully. You’re giving yourself a nice pat on the back while underhandedly pointing out what you see as a flaw or weakness in us.
Handling this bully: If you get a slyly crafted insult, the best response is what I call the appalled smile, with a “Wow.”
I know, it seems simple, but it’s worked for me. It sends the bully into a tailspin because they’ve been busted.
But don’t give in. Keep your appalled smile and slowly turn away.
They’ll get the message, and because you’re handling it with such grace, you’ll be in a mindset to let it roll right off your back in a shorter time. No lingering shock.
Just pity for a clueless bully.
The public square
It’s fine if you feel like a certain piece of information will “help” someone, but at the very least, could you choose to take someone aside before you let it rip?
No feedback that could be hurtful, no matter how valuable it seems, should be given in front of anyone else.
If you do, then your motives should be seriously questioned. It’s no longer a helpful hint, it’s a power play at best and flat-out bullying at its worst.
Anything to make yourself look strong…right bully?
Handling this bully: If you get called out in front of others and feel bullied, you should take that bull(y) by the horns, take them aside, and let them know how unnecessary the comment was.
The only hope for a bully who has this habit is to point out the error of their ways in the moment. Maybe it will work, maybe not, but you can’t just let their behavior slide.
No offense, but….
Close kin to “I’m just kidding….chill out”, “no offense, but…” is a license to hurt others without having to own up to the consequences of what you’re saying.
You may think that following up with one of these phrases puts the onus back on your victim for any conflict because they’re the ones being too sensitive.
Many times, the victim will just remain silent because they buy into that idea and they don’t want to come off as a whiner.
These statements have one thing in common. They are typical responses from bullies when confronted. They are dismissing what they said or did as a joke or responding with “whatever,” “my bad,” or “chill out.” They also are showing a lack of remorse for the hurt they caused to a victim of bullying.
Handling this bully: Avoid being reactionary at all costs. Bullies create an advantage and exploit your weaknesses by pushing your buttons.
Keep your cool. The less reactive you are, the more you can use your better judgment to handle the situation
At the end of the day, bullies will keep doing what they do until you set boundaries and dole out some consequences.
When effectively articulated, strong and reasonable consequences give pause to the adult bully, and compels him or her to shift from violation to respect.
Some bullying scenarios may require a strong and assertive response, while others may be handled simply with you being mildly humored and unimpressed.
Either way, keep your cool when you approach the situation.
Don’t let them get under your skin. They like it there.
Hopefully, if you’re a bully reading this, you’ve recognized that your words and actions that seem harmless could actually be hurting someone and even exploiting an area of someone’s life where they may be painful insecurities.
But you probably already knew that.
If you’ve been the victim of this type of person, your ability to assert consequences is one of the most important skills you can use to put bullies in their place.
Set boundaries for how you will be treated and remain steadfast in your pursuit of respect.
Remember that some bullies may never be swayed or correct the error of their ways.
“Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others.”
— Paramahansa Yogananda
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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