As a long time commitment-phobe, my love life has been ‘inconsistent’, to say the least, but this year it seemed that I’d finally met someone I was ready and able to think about building a future with. But along with this feeling of hope were some challenges that I had never experienced before in a relationship. I knew I loved my partner, but we often argued about, it seemed to me, nothing in particular. But thanks to her patient reflecting to me, I began to see what I was doing to continue this pattern, and why I needed to alter my own attitudes and behavior, rather than blaming my partner and expecting her to change.
There are few things more frustrating than getting drawn into a shouting match, and not being able to remember what started it; only knowing at the end, that we could have used that time in so many more enjoyable or productive ways. I was sick of feeling stressed about it, and so, when the opportunity came up at the local community center, I decided to take a mindfulness class, to see if that could help me. My expectations weren’t that high, to be honest; but I was ready to try anything. One particularly challenging exercise was to take a ‘step back’ from ‘reacting’ when things got heated with my partner so that I could see more clearly what was actually going on between us; what I was doing to fan the flames, and some ways I could create a different outcome.
I realized that I often interpreted what my lover said to me in the most negative possible way. If she told me I seemed tired, I’d worry she was saying I wasn’t as good in bed; or if she said I was looking ‘healthy’, I’d think she meant I was putting on weight. I’d been too ashamed of them to actually check out these thoughts with her, to see if what I was hearing was what she actually meant. But finally, I plucked up the courage to share these feelings, only to discover that I was creating all that negativity in my own head. I began to understand that the negative way I interpreted what my partner said had to do with my own lack of self-confidence and trust; and that, in common with many men, I suspect, I needed a lot more reassurance from my partner than I had been willing to admit.
I began to see how, possibly because of the strained relationship I had with my parents as a child, I found it hard to accept love, even from the person I was closest to; which was hurtful and frustrating for her as well as making me miserable. In a strange kind of twist, I was nervous about being ‘happy’, even though I thought it was what I wanted because that meant the risk of being hurt and disappointed—a repeat of childhood experiences.
The only antidote to these fears was to learn to love and accept myself, and not be dependant on getting ‘approval’ from anyone else. This sense of greater emotional independence also made it possible for me to risk being and feeling closer and more loving with her.
On reflecting more on the roots of conflict in our relationship, I identified four main types of communication between us, and saw that confusing them created a mismatch between the intention of what we were saying to each other, and how it was interpreted, often leading to an ‘argument’—basically two people with different perspectives each pointlessly trying to convince the other that they are ‘right’.
These were our main modes of communication, with some ideas on how to improve them:
1. Sharing Emotions/feelings and perceptions. These are statements of ‘fact’ about the reality of the person who is sharing them, so there’s no point in disagreeing with them. When she said: ‘I feel nervous when you drive that fast’, my big mistake was to respond to this kind of statement from my partner as if it was just her ‘opinion’ and then ‘disagree’ with it. Not at all helpful in building trust between us, and very annoying for her, as I can see now.
Or I’d respond to statements like “I feel you don’t listen to me”, or “You don’t prioritize sending time with me” with a rebuttal such as: “What do you mean? of course I do! “ or defensiveness like: “you’re always criticising me!” Denying her reality like this was a sure way of upsetting her. Now, I’m able to be more tuned in to how she’s feeling, so I can respond in ways that validate her, and show her that’s important to me, like: ‘I’m sorry you feel that way. Can you explain more?” or “Is there anything I could do differently?” This ‘hearing’ on my part builds a bridge of trust between us, rather than the wall I used to put up, and makes it much easier for us to work out compromises and solutions to any differences.
2. Opinions, in contrast, are subjective observations, which may or may not be backed up by some kind of experience or evidence. I used to express opinions as if they were ‘facts’—the underlying assumption being that I was “right”, and therefore anyone with a different point of view was “wrong”. Now I appreciate and accept that my partner and I can have different and equally justifiable views on things. We don’t have to agree about everything; and that doesn’t make either of us ‘wrong’.
My partner would sometimes express opinions about me, like: “You’re being selfish”, or even “You work too much!” as if they were ‘facts’ This would put me the back foot, and it was hard not to feel judged and criticised, leading to my angry denials rather than what I try to do now, which is accept that she must have reasons for saying these things that I can learn from; and if I can’t understand what they are, I ask for an explanation
3. Projections are trickier, and usually come from unconscious negative feelings which are part of our ‘Shadow’ side—the side of us that’s not always ‘nice’, but is just as much a part of us as our ‘good’ side. Having an awareness and acceptance of our Shadow is a key part of being comfortable with ourselves, and this is actually something we can best work on in a relationship, when it’s reflected back by someone who loves us. If we’re ready, willing and able to ‘face the facts’ about ourselves we can enjoy the freedom from fear that comes from knowing that you don’t have anything to hide or be secretly ashamed of.
My pattern of projection was to blame my partner for some of my own feelings, saying things like: ‘You’ve made me angry’, or ‘You’re so insensitive”. Thanks to her patient refusal to take these kinds of accusations on board, I came to see that they revealed more about me than about her. With a better awareness of how these dynamics operate between us, I’m now able to take responsibility for my feelings, which gives me a much better ability to do something about them, and nurture more trust and intimacy with my partner.
4. Manipulation (including flattery and charm) I realized, came from an unconscious desire, as a man, to control my partner, rather than being open and honest with her about my needs. Sometimes I tried to tap into her own ‘Shadow’ insecurities, such as feeling she wasn’t attractive, or loveable enough. I would tell her she was ‘beautiful’ when what she really needed was to feel heard and supported by me. Because she was wise enough to see these ‘games for what they were and refused to play along, I learned to be brave enough to be my true self with her and build the foundation for loving and accepting each other as we are.
Once I had let go of my fantasy of the ‘perfect relationship’ and my habit of ignoring, or trying to change’ anything about my partner that seemed to contradict that, I could begin to accept and enjoy her for the wonderful and complex human being she was, rather than an answer to my unmet needs. I saw how my unintentional sabotaging of our relationship had been mainly because I was afraid of the risk of being hurt or rejected which came with the vulnerability of intimacy and sharing.
Reflecting honestly on this process was painful and challenging. If you’re at all like me, you may be avoiding this ‘work’ for that reason. It’s completely natural; all of us instinctively avoid pain. All I can say is in my experience it’s more than worth it. By facing the ‘facts’ about myself, and sharing them with my partner, I’ve learned that wisdom and happiness come from accepting the-way-things-are, not from trying to be, or expecting someone else to be ‘perfect; This brings the liberating and wonderful truth that we are all essentially ‘enough’ just as we are; worthy and capable of loving and being loved in the best way possible. And there’s no better foundation for a great relationship, or a great life, than that!
Originally published on tinybuddha.com
Photo: Getty Images