Our hands touched, lying on the floor hands snaking to connect. Bright joyful energy flowing, overpowering, the furnace of longing connecting, irrepressible surging, inexplicable alchemy of nature’s wish to rebirth itself.
Young and deeply unhappy, in a failed relationship, ripe for the longing to express itself, the current leaping hand to hand.
Years later, the marriage that ensued from the longing, gone. Now alone, the furnace rekindled. A masseur, touching many female forms. Massaging a women, whose relationship had finished, the chemistry quickened, magnetic powerful, overwhelming. I let it flow and painfully let it go doing nothing, not giving in. Why a combination of integrity and fear.
Looking back as an older man, reflecting. How natures and my, our DNA, our evolutionary software drives us. Like millions of lines of code, the artificial intelligence of the auto pilot on modern super planes. Its mostly unconscious, we think we should be in control, we want to be in control, yet its forces hammer us. Sometimes concocting a dark night of the soul.
Purpose, meaning, vocation, morality, guilt, shame, joy, utopian fantasies, children, wife and lover fantasy, pain, suffering, responsibility. Will I wont I. Should I should not I. Its too much, will some one help me, hey God what about you, this bewitching, the serpent and the forbidden fruit. Am I afraid to leap, should I leap.
—