If love is a universal language, why do so many people have such a difficult time translating it?
Well, it’s complicated.
At least it was complicated for my husband and me before we learned how important it is to know and acknowledge the way each of us prefers to feel loved.
We learned the secret to speaking each other’s love language at an Army-sponsored weekend marriage retreat. The primary message the two-day course taught us was how to understand and interpret each other’s languages. That retreat was more than 16 years ago, and we’re still using what we learned there.
I’m not exaggerating when I say that what we learned changed everything for us.
Why Knowing Love Languages Matters
The world is inhabited by millions of people who are essentially unique snowflakes with different quirks and dispositions. This means that how we will inevitably experience the world will be different for each of us. How we prefer to experience “being loved” is part of our uniqueness.
Where giving and receiving love are concerned, there is no one size fits all. The challenge of being in a relationship — be it a romantic, platonic, or familial one — is ensuring you and your loved one give and receive love in such a way so that both of you feel loved, understood, and honored.
Here’s what I mean: You may be a person who communicates your love through physical affection. You shower your lover with physical touch and feel certain that she knows you do this because you love her. You go to great lengths to demonstrate how much you love the people closest to you in your life you care. You easily hand out hugs, handshakes, pats on the back, etc., and you feel confident that the people you love know you love them because you show them by giving love the way you most like to feel loved.
But what if your loved one experiences love differently than you do? What if she wants to feel loved in another way? What if, instead of hugs, what your loved one really wants to hear “sweet nothings” from you? What if she longs to receive words of endearment, praise, or affirmation? In this case, a simple “I love you” will go a long way in ensuring she feels cherished.
Love Languages Were Greek to Me
I had always assumed that everyone felt loved, honored, and cherished the same way I did. I took it for granted that whenever I went out of my way to do nice things for my beloved, he received my gestures as love. It never occurred to me that he might not receive my acts of service as acts of love. I could only see love through my own lens, and I had never considered that other people have lenses of their own.
At the marriage retreat, my husband admitted that he had presumed his acts of physical touch were enough for me to feel love because that’s what makes him feel most loved. After we took the quiz and compared our results, he said had never considered my acts of service were my way of showing love. “Yes,” I said. “I cook dinner every night because I love you, not because I feel it’s my duty.”
The coin flips both ways, of course. After I learned that physical touch is what makes him feel most loved and cared for, I started going out of my way to take the extra step of squeezing his arm when I walk by him, to hug him unexpectedly, to hold his hand when we walk together. It really is the simple things that make the biggest impression.
How Do YOU Prefer to Give and Receive Love?
How do you ensure that what you communicate as love is received as love to the person you are sending it to?
Learning about The Five Love Languages was a game changer for me and my husband. We both walked away from that weekend marriage retreat feeling as if we had inside information about how we each prefer to be loved.
To be honest, The Five Love Languages have made a difference in how I relate to everyone in my life, especially my kids.
Fortunately, the secrets of speaking love are easy to find. They are in a book called “The 5 Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman.
Chapman was a marriage counselor for years and when he reviewed his notes from several different couples he discovered common themes in marriages that were in trouble: Each person in the couple misunderstood the other person’s needs. He found that it’s quite common for each party in a relationship to have different primary love languages, which often leads to the missed cues and misunderstandings that can cause marriages to break down.
When you understand how love languages work, your efforts at showing love are rewarded. You feel appreciated and valued for your efforts, and on the flip side, the person you love feels heard, understood, and ultimately loved by you. There truly is no downside to learning your own and your partner’s love languages. That’s why I started sharing Chapman’s book more than any other book on my bookshelf.
Are You Fluent in Love languages?
The five love languages are really nothing more than an easy way to categorize the various ways people express and receive love. In truth, we all can relate to each of the love languages, but there is usually one expression of love that speaks to us most. When you discover your partner’s love language, you start to better understand them and you can begin to intentionally demonstrate your love in the way they respond to most.
But another crucial aspect of Love Languages is that you start to better understand yourself. And that’s invaluable.
According to Dr. Chapman, the five most prevalent ways people give and receive love are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts.
Below are the 5 love language types and tips to help you connect to each one:
Words of Affirmation
Do you long to receive words of affection, praise, and appreciation from your loved one? If so, then your primary love language is Words of Affirmation. You feel most loved and honored when you are showered with loving, kind words of encouragement and respect.
Surprise love notes or unexpected texts from your partner make your day.
You show your adoration for others by freely telling them how much you love and appreciate them. It comes easily to you.
The best way to delight a person whose primary love language is Words of Affirmation is to send them an unexpected compliment via text message.
Quality Time
Do you feel most loved and appreciated when your partner gives you their undivided attention and spends quality time with you? If so, your primary love language is Quality Time. You value sharing laughs, experiencing new things, and spending time together. You feel seen and understood when your partner pays attention to you, makes eye contact, and listens to you.
Conversely, you show your loved ones how much you care by offering them undistracted quality time. You are told you are a great listener because you truly stop what you are doing and pay attention.
If you want to make a person whose primary love language is Quality Time feel honored, put down your devices, turn off the TV, make eye contact, and have a real conversation.
Physical Touch
Do you want your partner to show you they love you through physical touch and affection? If so, your primary love language is Physical Touch. This is more than sexual touch (though that is certainly a significant part of romantic affection). You feel most cared for when your partner gives you non-verbal signals like squeezing your hand, kissing you, and touching you in a loving way “just because.”
When you want to show your appreciation to someone you love, your first inclination is to offer a friendly hug or a pat on the back.
If your partner’s primary love language is Physical Touch and you want to make him feel special, spend time cuddling on the couch as you watch a new movie.
Acts of Service
Do you feel most cherished when your loved one helps you out by doing things for you? If so, your love language is Acts of Service.
Examples of Acts of Service could be loading the dishwasher after dinner; folding a basket of laundry so you don’t have to; mowing the grass every weekend; running an errand for you; or planning your surprise birthday party. These little acts of kindness are a clear signal to you of how much your partner cherishes you.
When you give love to your partner, your go-to action is to offer to do small, helpful acts for them. You enjoy helping out because you feel it’s the best expression of the depth of your caring.
If you want to demonstrate your love to someone whose primary love language is Acts of Service, go out of your way to help them complete a task without being asked to do it.
Receiving Gifts
Do you feel most loved when you receive gifts from the one who loves you? If so, your primary love language is Receiving Gifts. What you value most is the time, attention, and effort your loved one puts into finding something special for you. The size and cost of the gift is irrelevant; it’s the sentiment behind their effort that makes you swoon. The act of taking time to find you something special embodies how much they love to you.
When you show your love through gift giving, you devote time and attention to making sure you pick out a perfect present. The gift is a symbol of how much you truly love your partner.
If you want to charm your loved one whose primary love language is receiving gifts, surprise them often with small, meaningful trinkets. Cost and size don’t matter; it’s the thought that counts. And be sure to express your gratitude when they give you gifts.
Find Your Own Love Language
I promise, if you truly put in the effort to learn your own and your partner’s love language, your relationship will blossom effortlessly.
Do you want to learn more? Take the quiz to learn about The Five Languages. Better yet, ask your loved one to join you. Compare your results and talk about how you feel about them. You won’t be disappointed with how this small investment your relationship can result huge dividends.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Alex Blăjan on Unsplash