Nature evolved her to believe your PRESENT STATE.
She’s constantly feeling you … RIGHT NOW.
No matter what you’re saying or what you did even 5 minutes ago, if you don’t FEEL SAFE to her right now, she won’t trust you, nor should she.
You don’t have to feel “good” (happy, joyful, excited, etc.) … but you do have to FEEL SAFE to her.
She needs you to FEEL SAFE so she can trust you.
If she doesn’t trust you, she can’t relax.
If she can’t relax, she can’t open to you.
Not authentically, anyway.
She might pretend to open to you, but she’ll only be abusing herself by doing so, which clearly serves no one.
If she can’t open to you authentically, she can’t genuinely give herself to you, emotionally, mentally, or physically.
Which means frustration … yours AND hers.
Because she’s aching to open to you.
But she won’t if she doesn’t feel you safe.
Nor should she.
To be clear, feeling SAFE doesn’t mean that you should feel castrated, afraid to show up fully in your passion, your desire.
You disconnected from your desire just makes her feel lonely with you, and ironically, still unsafe.
You disconnected from your desire, your power, signals to her that she still has to protect herself.
From this dangerous world that often refuses to acknowledge her feelings matter. And your disconnected self can’t show up to help her powerfully navigate that unendingly painful experience.
She’ll also instinctively know she has to protect herself from your disconnected self:
That dark shadow she knows will hurt BOTH of you, one way or another, actively or passively, so long as you refuse to courageously (re)claim it.
For as you reject your own desires, you will reject hers, too.
And as you reject your own feelings, you will reject hers, too.
This is perhaps the most profoundly empowering work you can do as a man:
Learn to stay connected to your deepest desires, own your immense inner power – which includes overcoming and integrating the primal forces currently holding you down in shame – then discover how to offer all that to her (and to the world) through your enlivened presence, your gifts of insight and courage, in ways that she understands fully you will never force her (or the world) to do anything against her genuine will.
A USEFUL PRACTICE:
Stop leaning on your words, or your actions, as primary evidence of your trustworthiness and sincerity. Yes, they matter, but (surprisingly) less so than the depth of your presence.
Instead, shift your focus to what you’re feeling in your body.
I know that’s a tough one for most men (many women, too). So keep it simple:
If you’re feeling constriction, tension, fear, worry, anger, disgust, etc. in your body, she’s almost certainly feeling it, too … from you AND in her.
Instead of trying to get her (or your bank account, boss, kid, traffic, republicans, democrats, etc.) to change because you think that’s required first to make things better, instead focus on changing your own physical state first.
Go for a walk. Watch a sunset. Eat something yummy (and actually nourishing). Take a shower.
Or just breathe.
Shift your breathing, from short and shallow to patient and deep.
You can allow your breath to be just a little deeper … without forcing it.
Even that can help settle your nervous system, which makes you feel safer, which can make her feel safer, too.
I say “can” make her feel safer because you can only do your part; she has her (inner) work to do, too.
Just don’t fool yourself into thinking you’ve done all you can:
In my experience (personal and professional), I’d say about 100% of the time, we men have yet more to learn, and therefore more to offer, that would make a meaningful difference in helping our intimate partner feel consistently more safe in our presence.
This post was previously published on BryanReeves.com and is republished here with permission from the author.
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