—
My recent article, “The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex” has garnered more than 400,000 readers on the Good Men Project and my own site, MenAlive.com. Given the responses I received, it is a topic that resonates deeply with men and women. Sex always had a double edge of allure and danger. I suspect this duel aspect of desire and danger goes back to our ancient heritage where getting caught with your pants down could lead to getting eaten by the tiger that was stalking you. For women, getting pregnant could mean death for themselves, since many women died in childbirth.
◊♦◊
In my previous article, I said that men need to feel they have a “safe harbor” when they connect with their partner. In a world of competition and conflict, where we feel we must always compete to be chosen, we long for the comfort and acceptance of a partner who can take us in and nurture us. We want to feel we can let down our guard, open our hearts, and be engulfed with love. But I often felt anxious and depressed. I’ve wondered why I’ve resisted the safe harbor I’ve longed to rest within.
Being married to Carlin for more than 37 years now, I’m finally learning to relax in her embrace, knowing that I need not fear my own desire to stay.
|
There’s a secret about sex that I’ve kept hidden for most of my adult life. It started with a fantasy I had where I wanted to literally return to the womb.
The thought terrified me. I felt if I ever were allowed entrance to that safe harbor it would feel so good I never would never want to leave. I would cease being a man. I might even cease to exist. Even as I pursued women, and having found the woman of my dreams enjoyed sex with her, I also felt afraid. Being taken in was my greatest desire and my greatest fear.
I began to get an understanding of my desire and my terror when I first read Sam Keen’s book, Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man. “It was slow in dawning on me that WOMAN had an overwhelming influence on my life and on the lives of all the men I knew,” said Keen. “I am not talking about women, the actual flesh-and-blood creatures, but about WOMEN, those larger-than-life shadowy female figures who inhabit our imaginations, inform our emotions, and indirectly give shape to many of our actions.”
I began to understand that having sex meant entering the realm of WOMAN (at least for heterosexual men) and my longing for a safe harbor competed with my desire to be free and independent—“to become my own man.” This recognition helped me understand why I would pull away after having intercourse. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to cuddle or enjoy the afterglow of sex, but because an inner terror, outside my conscious mind, was telling me, “Don’t let yourself get too close, or stay too long. You’ll become trapped and never want to leave.”
◊♦◊
Looking back, I realize I would often project this subconscious fear on the woman. After being close and feeling safe, I would get irritated with her. The next morning or the next day, we would have a fight. It never occurred to me that the irritability and anger I often felt towards the woman in my life had roots in my own fear of letting myself go and truly returning to the safe harbor that I longed to enter.
It is said that “the truth shall set you free.” It’s been a long journey to accept the truth that my desire for a safe harbor is a primal element in my desire for sex. It’s taken me even longer to recognize my fear of losing myself in the safe harbor of WOMAN. Being married to Carlin for more than 37 years now, I’m finally learning to relax in her embrace, knowing that I need not fear my own desire to stay. Like the tides that come in and go out, I’ll always want to leave to do my work in the world. And I’ll always want to return to the safe harbor of her love.
A version of this was originally published on Men Alive.
—
You might also like these From The Good Men Project:
Compliments Men Would Love to Hear More Often | Thirty-One Reasons Men Don’t Cheat | What Makes a Man Attractive? | Here’s What Happens When You Find The One |
—
Stock photo ID:637945530
Spot on!
Very interesting. Thanks for sharing : )
Domination? They admit to it all of the time, man.
Look at basically all societies in the world, it’s all based on men dominating and owning women in all aspects. It’s their ultimate turn on.
Interesting. Adam and Eve comes to mind here. It is written that woman first entered into this realm, drawn from bone of his rib cage. He becomes one with himself inside of her. “The two become one”. And, create they do. New life. Is. Being. Been.Us. Doing. For generations to come!
Sweet.
Right. Here is an alternative take.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjmpVi_5844
You’re shedding light on a big male ‘secret’ here, Jed. Thanks you. One thing that helps me have the courage to show my ‘vulnerable side’, which I have often hidden in shame in the past and still feel uneasy about sharing, in case I’m relegated me to the ‘weak zone’, is when a woman reassures me that she also sees and appreciates my strengths and competencies – my values (and having the courage to live by them) and my ability to be good at what I do. Once I have that from her, I can more easily open up and… Read more »
Steve, Thanks for sharing that. I agree that praising our competencies allows us to be more vulnerable and share our weaknesses as well as our strengths.
Always interesting to find something that discusses the depths of us among the noise, intent, agendas that fill the internet. Sort of, kind of agree with this (from a personal perspective). There has never been fear when intertwining with a woman because I never thought along those lines. Never feard the apparition of women either, no mre then I’d envision men as a dark, hairy creature living under a bridge. Might be more personal attitude then gender. I’ll be honest, I saw eye-to-eye with Keen on many, but not all of his assertions and commentary. That may be because I… Read more »
DJ, Sounds like you had a family life growing up that was much healthier than most and it translates into a good family life now. Thanks for sharing your experiences.
“DJ, Sounds like you had a family life growing up that was much healthier than most ”
Yeah probably means he’s lying as well.
I LOVE your last note – “I’m her rock, she’s my pillow.” Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for sharing. Your posts are always very enlightening and whenever I read them, I always find myself wondering, referring back to my previous relationship where I gave all the things that you say men want – love, nurturing, etc., and none of that seemed to matter …either way thank you.
Irma, Thanks for your comments. Sometimes we fall in love with someone who is more damaged than we thought and their past hurts block them from being able to give the love and support we so want and need. Some of these relationships can be healed. For others, we need to leave and get on with our lives, do our own healing, and when we’re ready reach out again to someone who has done their own healing.
Love is kind of brutal in that way.