Dear Sexes: My girlfriend and I have great sex, but she’s just too quiet when we’re together. I am not saying I need a screamer, but she is completely silent! I really need some feedback, otherwise I feel like she’s not into it. How do I get her to loosen up? If she won’t be more vocal, I’m not sure I can be satisfied. Is that shallow of me?
She Said: It’s not shallow of you…She’s probably got some old issue at work inside of her that needs to be addressed. It could be someone told her to quiet down during sex when she was in a vulnerable place, and now it’s become a habit. If that’s the case, reassure her that you would be over the moon to hear her sounds, even if they feel ridiculous and embarrassing to her.
When you talk to her about it, don’t just say, “I wish you would be more noisy” because to some degree that just seems like another guy asking her to change. Ask her the history of her quietness, where it comes form, what sorts of thoughts go through her mind.
For some women, orgasms are reached through deep concentration, focusing energy, tuning out distractions. That may be causing quietness, but resulting in great pleasure that you can be proud of. If that’s the case, maybe you can convey that while she’s doing that, you’d love some directions on how to give her even more pleasure. There’s a cute scene in Friends With Benefits where they boss each other about how to make the other come… maybe good inspiration?
If, after all that, she is just a girl who is quiet in bed, look for the signs that she’s having pleasure, like the flexing of the abdominal muscles, clenching fists, curling toes, bucking hips, and feel for those awesome pulses of energy during orgasm. Try to focus on those and see if they can substitute for the noise you like so much.
He Said: You want your girlfriend to loosen up? She IS having sex with you. If you want your girlfriend to be more vocal in the bedroom, then YOU should be more vocal, and take the initiative to tell her how you like that, and how it turns you on. If her needs are being satisfied, I’m sure she’ll be happy to oblige you and your preferences.
And maybe your girlfriend is just quiet in between the sheets. It doesn’t hurt to check in and ask how you’re doing (and whether you’re pleasing her needs). Regardless, having a conversation about what you BOTH like is a good way to improve your love life. Sometimes the simplest and most straightforward approach is best.
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