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Women friends have often told me how frustrating it is for them when a man they like and respect, and who apparently also enjoys their company and is attracted to them, suddenly disappears behind a wall of apparent indifference just at the moment when it looks like their relationship is growing deeper and, from her point of view, getting interesting!
What is going on for him when this happens? And what are some effective ways to bring him closer again, even to the point of him being ready to make a commitment to her?
To ‘get’ how we men operate emotionally, a woman needs to understand that our sense of ourselves, and our relationship with our own core ‘essence,’ can be quite fragile. We have no ‘rites of passage’ in our culture to reassure us that we’ve become ‘a man’, and although we invent various milestones (first drink; first sex; first fight; first job etc.), many of us are never quite sure if we’ve made the grade of masculinity, or what the penalties are for falling short. We’re anxious about being found lacking – especially by a woman – and our ‘fragile masculinity’ can all too easily become aggressive or dismissive in defense.
On top of that, in our culture, men, and masculinity often seem to be regarded with a mix of dislike and disdain these days. This can lead men into ambivalent patterns of relating to a partner – wanting closeness but then backing away from it because of a fear of being judged negatively simply for being his (male) self. In response a man can become emotionally remote, and sex becomes the only ‘safe’ channel for him to experience the connection that we crave with the feminine essence of a woman, and this can make love-making seem more like another arena in which he has to prove himself rather than a delightful sharing of affection and trust
Women have a sensuality and fluidity that most men love and need, but are simultaneously in awe of. We’re afraid of being ‘engulfed’ by it and losing our ‘safe’ sense of separateness; or of being abandoned, and reliving painful memories of when our mother inevitably pulled us away from her breast (which may go some way to explain why we regard that particular part of a woman’s body with such interest later in life!)
Unless a partner neutralizes these anxious feelings with a clear affirmation that she welcomes his ‘masculinity’ – and not just his ‘feminine’ emotional side, if he’s brave enough to risk showing it – a man may be tempted to try to control the relationship, or to run away from it, in an attempt to feel more secure.
To avoid such complications, here are nine steps which I think can enable a woman to help her man feel secure enough to offer the kind of passionate and committed intimacy that she needs from him to be able to fully embrace him physically and emotionally – which is exactly what he wants too, at heart! I’m directing these at any woman who may be reading
1. Make an effort to look feminine when he sees you. It will make him feel accepted; and show that his appreciation is important to you That builds his capacity to be vulnerable and ‘fully present’ with you, all of which opens him up to loving you in a deeper way.
2. Show that you’ve listened to, and at least respect his point of view, even if you don’t agree with it. It helps him feel ‘heard’ and valued as an individual; and knowing his ideas are important to you, alleviates any worry he might have that you only want him in your life to meet your needs, rather than out of appreciation and love for who he is.
3. Let him use his skills and knowledge to support you — and show him that you admire/respect him for that. Men have been trained from an early age to believe that our value is defined by what we can ‘do’. Showing appreciation of him in this practical realm helps him feel closer to you
4. Reassure him that his vulnerable and emotional side is also attractive to you. A willingness to feel and express feelings and vulnerability are as essential to the emotional health of a man as they are to a woman, but our macho culture moulds us into believing the opposite. This can make men feel we should hide or be ashamed of our tenderness, and blocks us from acting as emotionally open hu-man beings who are ready and able to love.
5. Show that you respect his basic values – not just paying lip service, but also, if possible, supporting him in practical ways; possibly getting involved with activities that are important to him.
6. Reassure him that you love being naked with him and there is no pressure on him to ‘perform’ in any particular way. This helps him feel welcomed in this vulnerable place, so his masculine side will be free to ravish and tenderly caress you in a deeply connected way. Then sexual expression can be more fluid and spontaneous, more exciting and erotic, without the limiting tension of him worrying that he needs to ‘prove’ himself or you feeling restricted by any limiting roles or expectations.
7. Show him you trust that, if he ever does upset you, it’s from thoughtlessness, or an error of judgment; or from not fully knowing and understanding you, rather than from indifference or because he is ‘bad’. This helps him feel trusted by you, so he can let go of the defensiveness and distancing that a man instinctively adopts when he feels judged.
8. Show him that you trust his capacity to learn from his mistakes and/or your reflections to him about how you feel, and that you appreciate his strong intention to do that. Use ‘I statements’ when sharing your feelings, rather than criticism or blame, and he’ll be more likely to ride to your defense like a shining knight, than head away in shame and anger.
9. Remind him of what you find attractive about him. It might something about his appearance, but most men mistrust that and are not that interested in how they look. He’ll prefer to hear about the qualities he has that turn you on – for example, his courage, his ability to be a leader, or his strength of character – although saying how much you like his voice, his smell or his body (especially the special parts) will always get a warm reception!
If a woman follows the above suggestions and her man still remains distant in relation to her, it means he probably needs to do serious work on himself before he can be in a truly intimate relationship, and this is may not be a process that a partner can share in.
In that case, however charming or attractive he might seem – and, ironically, many emotionally dysfunctional men are particularly good at figuring out what a woman is looking for and then pretending to be the answer to her dreams – the only sensible thing for you to do is get him out of your life.
At least you can be sure, if you’ve worked through the above list first, that you gave him, and the relationship, your best shot before heading for the emotional hills!
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