I used to think that finding love, being with the right person, having someone to love me, would make me happy.
I used to think that if someone could just see me for who I was, as long as they only saw the good parts of course, then I would be ok.
I used to think that as long as I was valuable to a woman, then I would be worthy as a man.
How wrong I was. So far off the mark.
What I’ve come to learn is, whilst the experience of someone else loving me can be powerful and amazing, and whilst we are relational beings who crave connection with others, that if I’m not first happy and content in myself, no amount of someone else loving me, no matter how earth-shattering, will fill the void.
Three years ago I married a strong and beautiful woman. It was a wonderful and magical beginning to our adventure. But more importantly, the task of finding my own powerful adventure from within has been for me, the greater challenge.
Cool, calm, confidence in who you are, to me is the holy grail. It’s the triple C of manhood. It takes some time to cultivate. It takes alone time. It takes asking hard questions and facing home truths.
It’s the difference between the energy of warrior, sage or boy in a rage. How you ‘show up’, is often out of the energy of one of these emotional states.
The warrior loves a conquest. He faces challenges head-on, he does not shirk his responsibility or run away when things get tough. The sage is your inner wisdom, your ‘wise man’. For most of us, it takes a little life experience to move into the energy of the sage. The little boy lives in each of us. Whether he rages and continually leans on others to feel safe, is totally up to how he has been taught and nurtured (or not), along the way.
Until a man finds a way to be truly content from the inside out, to free the boy within, he will always grab for external validation. Until he does this, then he is missing a big part of his own wholeness and healing.
Until a man finds his own way, he will risk failing in every relationship he enters. A strong woman who is awake and grounded in herself, will eventually either walk away, or not be attracted, to begin with.
Until he comes to a place of self-acceptance and self-love, without the need for validation or approval from someone else, then no amount of loving someone else, or someone loving you, no matter how incredible that feeling is, will quite hit the spot.
“The most important kind of freedom is to be who you truly are. You trade on your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up on your ability to feel, and in exchange put on a mask. There can’t be any large scale revolution until there is a personal revolution. It’s got to happen inside first” – Jim Morrison.
Self-love, self-sufficiency, finding connection with your own being, is truly the greatest gift you can give, to yourself, your intimate relationships and the world you live in. It is from there that you can truly give of your deepest most vulnerable self to another – and isn’t that what truly loving another is all about?
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