#10 in Dr. Paul’s series on the 14 false beliefs about sex.
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Well, that had always been true for me, until that very disturbing night when it wasn’t. I had been with this sexy and most willing partner for about three months when for the first time I couldn’t get an erection.
“No problem” she assured me, “that happens with most men occasionally.” But, it had never happened to me before. I went to sleep a little chagrined and just a little upset.
The next night and every night after that the same thing happened. I would look over at this amazingly beautiful naked woman and think, “What’s wrong with you? For years, you’ve dreamed of a gorgeous woman coming on to you and wanting you sexually. Now you have it and you can’t get it up. You’ve got a problem my man.”
I ashamedly told my closest friend. He was very caring but couldn’t suggest anything except maybe getting a prescription for a chemical helper. I wasn’t ready for that.
Luckily, I was referred to a therapist who listened attentively as I related some of my past experiences with women and sex. What interested her most was when I told her that my ex-wife was sometimes not turned on sexually and said things to me like “I have to feel emotionally connected to feel turned-on and desirous of sex.”
I thought she was nuts,” I told the therapist. “In fact, one time she said that when she didn’t feel an emotional connection her sexuality went out the window. I made some lame joke about looking outside the window for her sexuality. But that remark has stayed with me even though I never have to feel emotionally connected, whatever the hell that is, in order to be sexual. I could get an erection at any time in any place.”
With a compassionate look of acceptance, the therapist said, “Well, it’s not uncommon for many people, especially women, to have their sexuality tied to their feelings.”
“Uh, oh” I thought, “now I know why I’ve always felt more comfortable talking to men about things like this.” But as we kept talking I realized that in my current relationship our sex had been physically based right from the beginning. In fact, when I wanted to talk about problems that had come up between us she wasn’t interested, and they were piling up.
I recalled the time a friend sent me the poem, “The Invitation” by Oriah
Mountain Dreamer. “I didn’t know why,” I said, “but when I read it I began to cry. I went upstairs and gave it to my partner. She read it and said, “That’s nice but it doesn’t do much for me.”
“Hmm” I mused, “Do you think that being emotionally connected is important for me?”
My therapist remarked, “Well, when you were younger your hormones were raging enough so that you didn’t need any kind of a connection at all to be turnedo-on. Growing up in a culture where a man’s sexuality was separate from his feelings, you probably could have screwed a hole in the wall. But you, like many men, are very sensitive and it’s quite possible that love and sex have become connected.” Whoa! That really sent me for a loop.
When I got home, I told my partner what I had discovered and she thought I was nuts. Well, I guess what goes around comes around. The next few months in our relationship were emotionally distant and sexless and it finally, mercifully ended.
I learned to embrace the fact that my sexuality had become connected to my heart. That’s when the phrases, “Keeping your heart on” and “Viagra is never needed to keep my heart on,” came into my head.
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How would does the idea of being heart connected as an integral part of your sexuality feel to you?
(Note: If you are new to this series, the Introduction to the series is above.)
Nothing limits our ability to love and be loved, and to find joy and fulfillment more than the beliefs that disconnect us from our hearts. And, nowhere do these beliefs cause more limitations than in our sex lives.
Learning about my sexuality meant challenging a great deal of what conventional thinking had taught me. Although my experiences are from a heterosexual perspective, I know from nearly fifty years of teaching about relationships and practicing psychotherapy with people across the sexual identity spectrum that we all share both many limiting beliefs and the desire for meaningful intimate relationships.
For example, in 1993 I did an illuminating 25 minute interview with my dear friend Robert Eichberg, founder of National Coming Out Day, about his new book Coming Out An Act of Love. As we discussed his book, sometimes with humor and sometimes tearing up, we marveled over our common experiences. The information we shared is just as poingnant today as it was then. You can enjoy it by clicking here.
Some of the deeply engrained false sexual beliefs and fears that plagued my life will be addressed. The last blog in this series “Sex Beyond Belief” describes a different kind of sex, one that emerges when we are out of our heads and the sexual experience transcends false beliefs.
Photo: Flickr/Bp6316