Another look at infidelity.
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Being unfaithful is a wake-up call. Getting down to seriously understanding why this breech of trust occurred, becomes an opportunity to learn important things about oneself, one’s partner and the relationship.
Conventional wisdom teaches that the partner of an unfaithful person is an wronged victim. Infidelity makes for great soap opera drama as the aggrieved partner cries, threatens, whines, throws things, leaves in a self-righteous huff, complains to friends, or seeks comfort from family and friends.
From learning about how in every relationship people operate within a system that they have created I know that each of us is responsible for our part of the system. That means that we each share responsibility for creating a situation. There are no innocent victims. There are no bad guys (or gals). When heart-connected, I want to learn about my part in the problem as well as understanding more about my partner.
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No easy exercise with this one. Infidelity touches deeply into some of our worst fears and should you ever be faced with it, respecting that fact will help you gingerly put your toe in the water and hopefully, extract from it what there is to learn.
The following questions reflect just a few of the important lessons that can be learned by the unfaithful partner:
What were my fears that kept me from being honest about my feelings and behavior?
What did I learn about my sexuality from having the affair?
What have I learned about the sexual relationship between my partner and I?
What is my part in creating the blocks in communication that led to not discussing this?
What do I need to do to improve the communication between us?
What is there for me to learn regarding connecting and disconnecting from my heart?
What beliefs are getting in the way of forgiving myself?
The following questions reflect just a few of the important lessons that can be learned by the other partner:
What signs that something important was not being discussed did I ignore?
How have my beliefs about fidelity and exclusivity contributed to the situation?
What have I learned about my need to try and control my partner?
What is there to learn about our sexual relationship?
What is my part in the block in communication that led to not discussing this?
What do I need to do to improve the communication in our relationship?
What beliefs are getting in the way of forgiving myself?
What beliefs are getting in the way of forgiving my partner?
(Note: If you are new to this series, the Introduction to the series is above)
Nothing limits our ability to love and be loved, and to find joy and fulfillment more than the beliefs that disconnect us from our hearts. And, nowhere do these beliefs cause more limitations than in our sex lives.
Learning about my sexuality meant challenging a great deal of what conventional thinking had taught me. Although my experiences are from a heterosexual perspective, I know from nearly fifty years of teaching about relationships and practicing psychotherapy with people across the sexual identity spectrum that we all share both many limiting beliefs and the desire for meaningful intimate relationships.
Some of the deeply engrained false sexual beliefs and fears that plagued my life will be addressed. The last blog in this series “Sex Beyond Belief” describes a different kind of sex, one that emerges when we are out of our heads and the sexual experience transcends false beliefs.
Photo: Flickr/Andreas Weigend