False belief #3. I can enjoy doing something to my partner that he/she dislikes
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To get pleasure from doing something that my partner is not enjoying, I must be disconnected from my heart and in denial about his or her feelings.
For example, in one of my relationships I knew that although my partner didn’t receive pleasure from having her breasts caressed, she tolerated it because I enjoyed it. One time when we were making love and I felt totally connected with her, I was struck knowing that she was not enjoying having her breasts fondled. The good feelings immediately drained from my body and I asked her what she was feeling.
She told me that she got very little pleasure from having her breasts fondled. She liked that I received pleasure from them, up to a point, but after a while her sexual feelings became numb. That began many discussions related to giving and receiving pleasure from each other’s body.
Being heart-connected or disconnected is a moment-to-moment thing. At those times when I’m connected to my heart my sense of well-being is directly tied to my partner’s well-being and I cannot do anything that does not serve my partner.
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Ask your partner if there is anything you do during sex from which he or she doesn’t receive pleasure?
(Note: If you are new to this series, the Introduction to the series is below)
Nothing limits our ability to love and be loved, and to find joy and fulfillment more than the beliefs that disconnect us from our hearts. And, nowhere do these beliefs cause more limitations than in our sex lives.
Learning about my sexuality meant challenging a great deal of what conventional thinking had taught me. Although my experiences are from a heterosexual perspective, I know from nearly fifty years of teaching about relationships and practicing psychotherapy with people across the sexual identity spectrum that we all share both many limiting beliefs and the desire for meaningful intimate relationships.
For example, in 1993 I did a fascinating 25 minute interview with my dear friend Robert Eichberg, founder of National Coming Out Day, about his new book Coming Out An Act of Love. As we discussed his book, sometimes with humor and sometimes tearing up, we marveled over our common experiences. The information we shared is just as poingnant today as it was then. You can enjoy it by clicking here.
Some of the deeply engrained false sexual beliefs and fears that plagued my life will be addressed. The last blog in this series “Sex Beyond Belief” describes a different kind of sex, one that emerges when we are out of our heads and the sexual experience transcends false beliefs.
Photo: Flickr/Richard Foster