Number 6 in a series of sexual fallacies : Stopping and discussing feelings ruins the experience
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Imagine my surprise the first time we stopped in the middle of love-making to talk about an issue that had just been touched off and after a heart-connected discussion we got back to “the good stuff.” The next few times it happened, I clung to the notion that I just got lucky and that returning to love-making was the exception to the rule. Well, another false belief was about to bite the dust.
I learned that without a doubt, sexual feelings get turned off while talking about problems, especially when we are disconnected from our hearts and the discussion deteriorates. However, when with patience and caring we return to our hearts and our willingness to learn, we reconnect and are able to listen to each other and feel heard.
A heart-connected discussion leaves us feeling complete and not only increases our level of intimacy but the caring leads to even greater passion. In such an atmosphere, returning sensuality and passion is the rule rather than the exception.
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During a sexual experience, whenever an issue comes up for you or your partner how does the idea sound of stopping, talking and listening?
(Note: If you are new to this series, the Introduction to the series is below)
Nothing limits our ability to love and be loved, and to find joy and fulfillment more than the beliefs that disconnect us from our hearts. And, nowhere do these beliefs cause more limitations than in our sex lives.
Learning about my sexuality meant challenging a great deal of what conventional thinking had taught me. Although my experiences are from a heterosexual perspective, I know from nearly fifty years of teaching about relationships and practicing psychotherapy with people across the sexual identity spectrum that we all share both many limiting beliefs and the desire for meaningful intimate relationships.
For example, in 1993 I did an illuminating 25 minute interview with my dear friend Robert Eichberg, founder of National Coming Out Day, about his new book Coming Out An Act of Love. As we discussed his book, sometimes with humor and sometimes tearing up, we marveled over our common experiences. The information we shared is just as poignant today as it was then. You can enjoy it by clicking here.
Some of the deeply engrained false sexual beliefs and fears that plagued my life will be addressed. The last blog in this series “Sex Beyond Belief” describes a different kind of sex, one that emerges when we are out of our heads and the sexual experience transcends false beliefs.
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Photo: Flickr/gax8627
Talking about feelings and emotions before sex prevents sex from happening, in my experience. The ore you talk about it, the less women want to do it. So I refrain from talking about it.