False belief #9— men are more sexual than women.
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I often encouraged my partner to be more sexual and told her how much I enjoyed her being turned on and experiencing her orgasm. But, there was something that held me back from fully supporting her becoming more sexually responsive.
Eventually, I realized how with the conventional thinking that men are more sexual than women, if her sexual capacity dwarfed mine, my masculinity would be threatened. This led to unconsciously fearing her sexual potential and muted my ability to fully celebrate her sexuality.
To fully support and encourage her sexuality, I had to come to terms with the fact that contrary to conventional thinking a woman’s natural sexuality is much greater than a man’s. For example:
- Since women do not need an erection to engage in sexual activity, they can participate in sexual activity more easily and for longer periods of time than men.
- It is much easier for women to attain multiple orgasms than men.
- After orgasm, men must usually wait for a period of time before being able to have another; women can continue and experience multiple orgasms.
- Women are capable of more intense and longer lasting orgasms than men.
Resolving false belief and many other false notions about sexuality allowed me to more fully participate in her sexuality. I became more comfortable in:
- Giving up control and allowing my partner to direct the experience. (This is similar to becoming the follower rather than the leader while ballroom dancing, which can be a wonderful learning experience.)
- Lying back and, without doing anything to my partner, allowing her to give me pleasure.
- Appreciating the intensity of my partner’s response.
- Allowing my partner to direct me into giving her what she wants and needs rather than what I think she wants and needs.
- Slowing down.
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What fears do you have of fully celebrated your partner’s sexuality and what problems does your holding back that support create in your relationship?
or
If your partner has some fears about your sexuality how is that affecting your relationship and what can you do to maintain your loving connection and not give up the fullness of your sexuality in that process?
(Note: If you are new to this series, the Introduction to the series is below)
Nothing limits our ability to love and be loved, and to find joy and fulfillment more than the beliefs that disconnect us from our hearts. And, nowhere do these beliefs cause more limitations than in our sex lives.
Learning about my sexuality meant challenging a great deal of what conventional thinking had taught me. Although my experiences are from a heterosexual perspective, I know from nearly fifty years of teaching about relationships and practicing psychotherapy with people across the sexual identity spectrum that we all share both many limiting beliefs and the desire for meaningful intimate relationships.
For example, in 1993 I did an illuminating 25 minute interview with my dear friend Robert Eichberg, founder of National Coming Out Day, about his new book Coming Out An Act of Love. As we discussed his book, sometimes with humor and sometimes tearing up, we marveled over our common experiences. The information we shared is just as poingnant today as it was then. You can enjoy it by clicking here.
Some of the deeply engrained false sexual beliefs and fears that plagued my life will be addressed. The last blog in this series “Sex Beyond Belief” describes a different kind of sex, one that emerges when we are out of our heads and the sexual experience transcends false beliefs.
Photot: Flickr/misselejane
Why does a man needs an erection ALL the time to engage in sexual activity? Just focus on your partner’s pleasure and the erection becomes less important. It will come and go and always at the right time. Slow down and don’t focus on your orgasm is the best advice I ever got. Start there and the rest will follow.
Jordan Paul
Thank you!
This sentence says it all
“If her sexuality dwarfed mine, my masculinity would be threatened ”
Exactly!
“I had to come to terms with the fact that contrary to conventional thinking a woman’s natural sexuality is much greater than a man’s. ”
I can say from experience this is 100% true. God, how I love it so..