Rick thinks his relationship is on the rocks. He loves his wife, Simone, but the fire between them seems to be gone. It’s all routine – kids, work, chores, and sleep. And although Rick’s not looking for a reason to leave and truly loves Simone, the state of things can’t be good. Or can it?
Couples tend to be highly aware of flaws in their relationship. Flaws are easy to focus on, especially when the flaws are newly exposed by changes in life circumstances. Suddenly, fun and romance aren’t center stage, and drudgery and life’s logistics are. What gets lost from sight are all the signs your relationship is actually stronger than you realize and going through natural changes and evolution.
Why We Lose Sight Of The Good Things
Losing sight of the positive and taking good things for granted is extremely common – we all do it at some point. Add to that the fact that negative experiences, or things perceived as negative, have a greater and longer lasting influence on us than the good. It doesn’t seem right, but it’s true. In fact, our tendency to dwell on the negative and put negative experiences at the forefront of our focus has a name, negativity bias.
Negativity bias is an evolutionary predisposition to a heightened awareness of the “bad” or danger around us. It’s a internal alert system that can, under the right circumstances, help to keep us safe. Unfortunately, it can also work against us too if we’re not careful.
For example, think about your daily routine. In all likelihood your day contains lots of small positive events, maybe even some big ones. But if someone during the course of that day insults you, hurts your feelings, or criticizes your work, your day can seem ruined. All those positives fade into the background and pale in importance to the one thing that was negative.
The same thing can happen in a relationship. All the good stuff that is keeping your relationship going becomes less important than the fact that you haven’t had sex in a week (or month), you haven’t exchanged “I-love-yous” in a few days, or you haven’t made time for a date night in a while.
Sometimes in a relationship you have to stop, take stock of things, and force yourself to recognize what’s good. By doing this you may find your relationship is indeed stronger than you realize.
What Those Signs Look Like
So, if you’re taking the time to reflect and look for the good in your relationship, what signs will you see telling you your relationship is better than you think? The characteristics and practices below are pretty good indicators.
• You fight – and make up. All couples fight. Yes – all couples. Having fights isn’t bad and in many cases it’s actually a sign of a healthy relationship to have disagreements. The key is in how you fight and make up. If you make a point of not letting arguments go on too long, saying your sorry when needed, and making up overall, it’s a sign of a strong relationship.
• You can laugh together. One biggest signs of a compatible and happy relationships is the ability to laugh together. Laughing almost immediately breaks down barriers and brings you closer together.
• When you think about the future your partner is in it. Consider it a good sign if your plan for growing old includes your partner and you couldn’t imagine it any other way.
• There’s no one else you’d rather be with. You may feel like things are bumpy and not as perfect as you’d like them to be, but if you genuinely feel there’s no one else you’d rather be with than count that as a positive too. If you can appreciate Huey Lewis’s words and can say, “I’m happy to be stuck with you,” it’s a good thing.
• You know you love each other. Frustrated? Feeling taken for granted? Missing intimacy? None of those are good. But, if you each know that you love each other and both feel secure in the other’s love, you have a solid footing. That doesn’t mean you don’t need to fix the other things, but if love is genuine then you’re likely to be able to find the motivation to make the needed changes.
• You share good news and happy moments. Who do you want to call when your project is a success or when you’ve had the best long run of your life? If it’s your partner that is a sign of a strong connection to each other and strength in the relationship.
These aren’t all the signs of a strong relationship, but they are some of the biggest indicators that you’ve got a good foundation and bright positive ahead.
A Word Of Caution
Before you breathe a sigh of relief and go on with your day, I will offer a word of caution. Just because you’ve put a check mark next to all the indicators above doesn’t mean your relationship is bulletproof.
The concerns that made Rick worry about his relationship may be a product of negative bias, but that internal alert system that says, careful – danger ahead has a purpose. Being aware of little things that are off and fixing them keeps them from becoming big things that threaten your relationship.
Taking each other for granted, not saying “I love you” frequently, and a lull in your physical intimacy are common in a relationship and can be part of a normal ebb and flow. But if you only ebb and never flow and those things become part of the normal state, you’re in trouble.
So, if you’re able to say your relationship is stronger than you realized, make sure you do what’s needed to keep it that way.
Photo: Pixabay