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My girlfriend and I have been together for over 3 years now, with 2.5 years of long distance under our belt. Ironically, while technology has been the saving grace in our intercontinental relationship, it has also been the surprising source of any arguments we have had.
“Can you not announce that on Facebook?”
“But…how will other people know what we are up to?”
“You can tell them directly. Do we need to publicize our lives to people you haven’t spoken to in years?”
“…yes? I like seeing what’s going on in the lives of our acquaintances. Perhaps they do too!”
Some variation of this exchange happens every few months. When we met last summer in Southeast Asia after not seeing each other for a whole year, we actually sat down and negotiated how many pictures would go up on Facebook from that lovely 3-week trip:
“1 picture.”
“1 a day? Okay, that might be difficult. But I will try.”
“1 picture total!”
“WHAT??!”
As we navigate this tension between our polar opposite levels of introversion and extroversion, I have realized that digital identities and social media presence involve a kind of consent as well.
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Unfortunately, I unilaterally violated this carefully deliberated negotiation at the time by not only making a big, gushy, cheesy, and public “REUNITED AT LAST” status, but also posting an album afterward. I wrote off her aversion to Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or any portal that puts more attention on her than absolutely necessary as a funny and silly quirk. It’s as if we had nothing else to argue about. What I failed to realize was how seriously she took her own privacy and exactly how much she disliked bringing attention to herself.
She has serious reservations about having a proper wedding, only because she does not want to be the center of attention even on a day that belongs entirely to her. And she happens to be dating somebody who stops one step shy of Instagramming his daily bathroom ritual in search of elusive likes.
Our arguments over technology and privacy always seemed hilarious to myself (and others who knew us), but it wasn’t until recently that I realized I haven’t appropriately respected her right to privacy. These worries are not misplaced in today’s era where presumably harmless digital footprints can live forever and come back to haunt you at any time.
She does not feel the need to maintain a social media presence to keep in touch with loved ones. In fact, she’s better at staying in touch than any other person I know. If you happen to know her, you’ve likely been blessed with one of her 17-page letters or her annual birthday cards and care packages. She is somebody you can count on to be 100% present when in conversation. She is very conscious of setting her phone aside or even leaving it behind when going out with a friend or loved one. She listens and remembers things better than any human being I know.
And yet, her decision to remove herself from social media is pointless when I continue to publicize her to the whole world through my own accounts. Over three years, I can’t identify one other example where she has asked me to change a particular behavior, or alter the way I go about my life. As we navigate this tension between our polar opposite levels of introversion and extroversion, I have realized that digital identities and social media presence involve a kind of consent as well.
Yes, we continue to push each other out of our comfort zones, which is a huge blessing in disguise, but boundaries need to be established and respected. And yes, the irony of writing a post about her desire to avoid attention while dedicating an entire column to her is not lost on me – but my life’s editor-in-chief has thankfully seen and approved this message.
I am already thinking ahead to our next reunion when we finally get a six-month respite from our long distance. I had ambitious plans to Instagram our daily rituals for the whole world to see, but she has given me an excuse to actually work on my need to seek external validation and broadcast our lives in the process.
Through these amusing yet important conversations in our relationship, I may have finally discovered a way to live in the moment.
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Photo Credit: Getty Images
“She has serious reservations about having a proper wedding, only because she does not want to be the center of attention even on a day that belongs entirely to her” is she marrying herself? this article is so full of ego