Sometimes not finding your soul mate is best.
Why is it that we click instantly with some people and not at all with others? Why is it that some people turn us on and keep us feeling good for years to a lifetime, while others make us want to run for the hills just to avoid seeing them again? And then, there is the all-time favorite, resigned and accepted “wisdom” of settling for “most” but not “all” we need and want, since conventional wisdom dictates “no one is perfect” and “no one person can satisfy all our needs.”
How then do we go about finding the one we were meant to be with and is that even real?
There is a lovely and brilliant fable aiming to explain this illusive (to find and sustain if you do find it) instant and deep connection with another we all crave, and it goes like this:
All souls live in a beehive like structure, two soul mates to an assigned cozy crib, in close proximity to many others, sharing a fulfilling social and intimate life, while waiting to choose a human body to inhabit on earth. The process can take many years but, since time has no meaning there, no one cares.
Eventually, each soul gets a human and separates from mate for the first time in aeon, certain a reunion is close at hand. Considering how inefficient and screw-up prone we all are, finding each other turns out to be a herculean quest not for the faint of heart and stamina. But we soldier on. No compromise, no surrender. We keep our eyes on the prize, which will make life so very sweet and worth living.
Of course this could all be wishful thinking or simply a fear of the unknown-based fantasy. So let’s look at both sides of the soul mate or not soul mate divide and explore 10 reasons for each, in no particular order:
A. Reasons for soul mate as the only option
- You are instantly “home.” It’s the love at first sight cynics dismiss. (They probably also don’t believe in abandon, throwing caution to the wind and rolling around on the grass in a rain storm.)
- Chemistry is instant and palatable. He/she smells/tastes/looks and feels delicious, amazing and right. Passion comes easy and fast–as does the cuddling after–before comfy, touchy sleep, or not.
- You both view/live in the same world. Same funny, frustrating, depressing, bizarre, amazing, rewarding, elating and satisfying reality.
- She/he has your back no matter what and without conditions. Always a soft place to fall and the affirming validation we all crave.
- You are number one, top of the heap, the big cheese. First place is yours by right and fate and no one, not family, parental units, lover, child, nor the second dude or chick from the left, can change that.
- You are happy because you are with her/him. You are healthier, stronger, higher functioning and performing and better able to deal with anything life throws your way. It’s you and her/him against the world, and that is a beautiful thing.
- Your love nourishes you and is your natural state of being. An oasis from stress and frustrations.
- She makes you feel like a man/woman. Being a couple is easy and requires little, if any, work.
- The concept of growing old together is comforting and stimulating. Never lonely, even when alone, and just being together is as good as it gets, right up there with the nights and days of passion and abandon (occasional gas–funny–does not prevent heading down south, after the air clears).
- This is what was meant to be. She/he gets you and wants you just the way you are.
B. Reasons for not soul mate as valid alternative
- You’re on your own, self sufficient and self-satisfying. You don’t have to put up with anybody else’s crap or share the island with.
- Soul mates are for sissies. Grown up real men (and women) hook up, get needs met and make it work for as long as they want to.
- “Can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with,” (Stephen Stills, 1970). You can choose serial monogamy or polyamory, whatever floats your boat.
- Forever inhabiting the easy shallow warm waters, never venturing to the deep cool ones requiring hard work. Keep it simple and casual.
- Coming home to find it exactly as you left it in the morning = Heaven.
- When those “cute” idiosyncrasies become annoying, fare well and move on.
- Always the first time, always freshly showered and sweet tasting. (The little blue pill really is for blood flow issues, not to make up for lack of desire and want.)
- No need to assert control or manipulate. You eat what you kill or go hungry, your choice.
- Everything is negotiable and you can always start again with a new partner (endless learning curve cycle is a bummer though).
- You learn to build a good life on your own. Great skill to have, making change and loss easier to bear.
Finding and living your truth, your authentic comfort zone, is the key to happiness. Most of us will end up somewhere along the continuum between soul mate or not soul mate and will attain satisfying meaningful relationships, avoiding the “life of quiet desperation” we fear will be our fate if we don’t find our “soul mate.” Listen to your inner voice and it will guide you to your promised land, with or without your soul mate.
I hadn’t thought soulmates were real until I found mine. And I’ll have to say that I think “with” is better than “without.” But I’ll also have to say that my soulmate doesn’t fit all of category A. It wasn’t and still isn’t always easy. There has been a lot of struggle. But my philosophy of life is that struggle is there to help you grow, so soulmate and struggle are not mutually exclusive.
Actually the concept of “soul mate” is universal and not a US thing (the silly part is thinking that the US is the center of everything). It is not just a romantic notion but a deep philosophical one exploring the meaning of being alive and going through life as a couple or alone (some animals mate for life as well, so it is not just a human thing).
I’m not really sure that soul mates are real. There are people that make a better romantic partner for you than other people just like there are people who make business partners for you than other people. Soul mate implies a perfect match and I’m a firm believer that perfect is the enemy of the good. I’m looking for Good Enough not Perfect.
@Esq,
“I’m not really sure that soul mates are real.”
They are not! A “soul mate” sounds like co-dependency to me. Which means both parties probably have issues.
Only in America do we come up with such silly things such as ‘soul mates’.
Sorry – a weak piece of writing. It seems as if the author grew bored with the subject and slapped down a quick, final wishy-washy paragraph. What is his opinion on the subject? No one knows.
Dear Dawn,
Did you read the article? The conclusion is clear and leaves each person to find their own happiness and relationship, soul mate or not. There is not right answer here. You actually have to do some work.
May the force be with you
I must say I feel you are quite wrong about the Not Soulmate issue. Take arranged marriages for example. Many people in arranged marriages “Learn” to love each other. It certainly isn’t love at first sight but when the love does come, it is no less beautiful.
I entirely reject this overly romanticized concept of a ‘soul mate’. Such only exist in the minds of hopelessly romantic folks.
Totally agree. And if you say it fast enough “soulmate” sounds an awful lot like “cellmate!” 🙂
… and in those who believe everything they see on television.
Well said and what we all hope for. The beauty is having a great life with one who may not be your “soul mate” but turns out to be a great mate just the same.
I think the path of Non Soulmate is clearly the obvious path and is only derailed by meeting your soulmate….. in whose presence, all of Plan A is lost in the beat of a heart as your breath is taken away.