Picture me as a young teenager. I’m approaching the cusp of my twenties and my hormones are raging like a red rag in front of a bull. Every piece of bare flesh on a woman I can see is akin to one of those sex sprays men take to boost their hidden pheromones. There’s a sexual air to the world, it’s pretty much a blur because all I want to do is get laid. Relationships are a thought that might come afterwards.
That’s what I remember life as a teenager like. Testosterone raging through my veins and the primal urge to pounce on anything and everything was deeply embedded in my instincts. But for me, that was a luxury I had to miss at that age. I think I can count the entire number of people I’ve slept with on my one hand.
I grew up without a Dad, and during those important years where the floodgates for the questions about women and sex were about to be burst open I had no strong man in my life. I had my Grandad, but he was very Victorian. I could never talk with him about that sort of stuff. I think the only man-to-man talk I ever had was a half-arsed conversation with some bloke that wanted to get in my Mums knickers. My Dad was no model to be mirrored when it came to women—I had to go it alone.
So I trusted my instincts.
But boy were my instincts wrong in this one. Well, they were right for what I wanted, but they didn’t serve me best with other people, and in particular, women. I’ll tell you why.
I wasn’t much of a talker as a young lad. But I didn’t really associate myself with anyone that would challenge my vocabulary. Perhaps that was my problem. Not that I wasn’t eager to learn, because I was, it’s just that every time that I asked I was slapped down. Part of why I didn’t talk much.
That aside, there were a few women I was comfortable around and it was easy for me to talk to them. But none of those lovely ladies were interested in anything further with me than friendship and I could never understand why. I tried every variation under the sun but nothing seemed to work. They were telling me that I wasn’t like most guys, but why didn’t they want to date me?
I didn’t know it at the time, but around about the time I really started getting interested in the opposite sex I started to become really disinterested in anything other than women and sex. I picked up smoking, drugs and gambling, and even although there were female types that liked the bad boys who could hook them up with anything they wanted, they STILL weren’t interested.
And it was because it felt nice to be in the company of those that I liked. No other reason, just that I wanted to be around them all the time. Some call that being too clingy or needy, but for me it was just being in the presence of people that I liked. There wasn’t much in the world that I liked at the time. I can totally see how I could have been suffocating them by just being their friends.
And it’s probably one of the biggest girl-seeking boo boos that you can do, to make her aware of your constant availability. I don’t know the psychology of it, so don’t ask me the breakdown of why she thinks like that, I just know that being constantly available is a fast track to the zone that her brother and sister are in. Or even worse—to a point where she avoids you.
Think of it this way, how would it feel to you if a woman was constantly around you? Even for me that’s slightly on the suffocating side. I need my space. Space is good!
And that’s why I say you need an interest. You need something in your life that feels good to do. I have a friend that’s car mad. He’ll often blow us off to work on his cars for the night. I have another friend that’s motor racing mad and anytime the Grand Prix is on we just won’t see him. For me, it’s writing, and yes, sometimes I’ve told my friends that I’m busy when I’ve wanted to write out an exciting piece of work.
You need to find yours. It can be anything. From golf to skydiving or even stamp collecting. The trick is to take your focus and mind away from women and dating, because let’s face it, there are so many other important things in life.
So, when she tells you that she isn’t interested, or that she’s not sure that a relationship is what she wants right now after you’ve braved the question; there’s no need to get upset, or act like it’s the end of the world. You have many other things you can be doing to keep you occupied. You don’t need her, you barely know her right now, so stop acting like it.
You don’t need to treat her badly either. You can be nice and still get what you want. There is no rule that states that men must be mean to women to get what they want, no.
Photo: Getty Images